A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First of all, this is going to be pretty long, so I just want to thank anyone who actually takes the time to read this and give advice. Let's do each other a favor and try to keep negative comments to a minimum. Basically, I'm in love with two different guys. We will call the first guy Brian and the second guy Alex. About a year and a half ago, I met Brian online and we instantly had a connection. We wanted to be together and I would imagine spending my life with him. I was in love with him. Then, he started pulling away. He stopped calling me baby, stopped saying he loved me, and told me that it would be best for us to end things, since it wasn't likely that we'd be together, since he lives in another state. I was heartbroken. However, I stayed friends with him, which eased the pain some. I didn't want to have him out of my life forever. Right around the time of this ending, I met Alex. Alex and I had an instant connection, as well. We worked together and my heart grew stronger and stronger for him. We started dating a few months later and I've been with him for a little over a year now. He was perfect. I knew that I wanted to marry this guy and be with him forever. I knew that I wanted to have kids with him. He was everything I wanted. Our relationship was always good, except for our rocky times when we argued, which seemed like often. I thought everything was fine, until one day he told me he had cheated on me. But, the thing is that he waited over a month to tell me, which there is no excuse for. He tried saying his drink was spiked and his details never added up. That wasn't the worst either. She was pregnant. Eventually, she got an abortion, but it didn't change how hurt I was. I was trying to get over forgiving him, but then I received a message from her. She told me that he had been doing it for months and that they were in love with each other. My heart was completely broken. I'm still working on trying to forgive him and trust him, but I don't know if I ever can. Brian and I were still in contact through Alex and I's relationship, but it was completely innocent. However, Alex was still very uncomfortable with it and I thought it was really going to harm our relationship, so I put a halt to it. But, it's been really difficult not talking to Brian. The other day, I messaged him, because I really wanted him to know how much I missed him and then I realized I was still completely in love with him. He opened up about his feelings and how he never stopped loving me. He pulled away last time, because he thought it was the right thing to do. He thought he was being selfish and holding me back by not letting me live. He wanted me to be happy and to find someone, because he knew that he couldn't actually be here for me.So, basically, he regrets letting me go and realized that it's his own fault. He doesn't want to intervene in my relationship, but it's already happened. He's constantly on my mind and in my heart, but so is Alex. Brian wants to be with me. He told me I'm his dream girl. He told me he would never hurt me like Alex did. And, when we talk, it's like nothing ever ended between us. I think it also makes it worse because he entered my life again when I was vulnerable after Alex hurt me. He doesn't want that to be the reason why I be with him and he wants to make sure he's not just a rebound. I assured him he wasn't. So, I'm not sure what to do. I love both of them, dearly. I don't want to lose either one of them, but this isn't fair to Brian, Alex, or myself. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like a terrible person and that I'm not any better than Alex for what he did. I feel like what I'm doing it worse. I feel like a complete whore. It's hard to imagine my life without Alex. We're so silly together and we have so many memories. The idea of just dropping that is terrifying. But, it's also terrifying to imagine not having Brian in my life, even if it's not romantic. So, basically, my question is what should I do? Or what sort of advice do you have for me? I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. Sorry for it being so long. Thank you for any advice you may have.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 July 2013):
 I think you are not "IN LOVE" with either guy. You are in LOVE with the IDEA of being in love.
The Brian guy you met on the net and that you are having a "relationship" long distance without having met in person? That can make for a great fantasy - LDR usually do not work if there is not a possible outcome with the two of you living together or at least near each other. It was the right thing for him to end it. He however, didn't end it for YOUR sake, I think he ended it for his own. He wanted more then a GF on the computer and that is not a bad thing.
Alex is a whole other kettle of fish. I don't blame him for being leery of your "friendship" with Brian, but it;s not like he really has a lot of room to say anything against it as he cheated on you. Not only that.. he had UNPROTECTED sex with another chick and knocked her up. It's pretty obvious WHY he was/is leery of Brian - he knows how HIS own moral compass works and I'm guessing he was projecting that onto you.
Unless you can get to SEE Brian on a regular basis and I DO mean in person.. I would drop them both.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Alright, here it is straight:
Neither of them.
They're both flaky, and to recommend one would be like choosing between the lesser of the two evils, and truthfully, the fact that you could instantly love them both and go straight from online relationship to "death do us part" emotionally shows that you're not even remotely ready for a serious relationship.
You're 18-21. You have things to do first before marriage, like college, a career, dreams you want to establish. The fact that you could easily say you love them both, and choose someone else who could cheat and get a girl pregnant means that you neither have the fortitude to recognize love from romantic whimsy, NOR the ability to distinguish and recognize red flags in both your attraction type AND the choice of men.
Lose them both. Brian is the lesser of the evils, but he's a flake AND you don't want to believe this, but 99% of the time, when a guy starts acting like this, it's because he's into another girl but doesn't want to tell you. He's talking with you again because the other girl fell through. Flaky and self-serving.
The other guy Alex has baggage that will ruin your life. Imagine YOU on the abortion table because he doesn't have the maturity to use a condom OR honor a commitment. And you love him? All the more reason to ditch them both, clear your head, mature a little yourself, and let reason rule over emotion and not the other way around.
Ditch them both, concentrate on school and bettering yourself, and maybe meet people live instead of online where game playing can reign supreme.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): Go with Brian and then go from there. Alex seems far too toxic.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 July 2013):
If you frequently argue with someone who's also carrying on another relationship behind your back, you should definitely question whether or not you should be with them. Cheating on someone and not even bothering to use protection should be a deal breaker since it puts your health at risk.
Regarding your LDR, it's easy to feel super compatible with someone who, let's face it, you don't really know. Or at least you don't FULLY know. This guy is at least smart enough to realize that you guys can't really have a satisfying relationship when you don't see each other in person. But is there any way to change that? Maybe you could figure out a way to start seeing each other.
Be cautious, read up on LDR's here on dear cupid to see some of the issues people have and to see some tips for making things work.
Or, just keep him as a friend for the time being, but dump the cheater either way.
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