A
female
age
30-35,
*ikki1392
writes:A little background for you all: I've always been an obsessive person, when I fall for someone, I fall HARD. I'm 18 years old, and I've never had a boyfriend; I had very strong feelings for my best guy friend throughout my teens. In college when I was 16/17, I liked another guy [and then reconnected with the friend from High School]. Insecurity played a big part in everything, but neither of these guys wanted me - but I coped. When I started my first job [in a restaurant], I had a crush on my manager, but all the girls did - he was a charismatic, good-looking, funny guy. Nearly 9 months ago, I started in a new job in a big hotel, 450 miles away from home, a couple weeks after I turned 18. And in May, I met one of the managers in this new restaurant. We'll call him "Jack".I should point out, he is a good looking guy, in a way - a few of the girls I know agree, he is sexy in a quiet and mysterious way. So I laugh along with my friends, one particular girl I'm close to is pretty open about sex, we have had the odd conversation about it regarding him - but as far as everyone knows, I've got a high-school crush on my manager, it's funny when I make some remark about him in passing, and that's where it ends.I'm in love with him. I can't stop thinking about him; I talk about him a lot, exaggerating stories of how friendly we are with one another on the phone to my parents, fantasising about a million different scenarios, with us always ending up together. I realise I'm young, but I was brought up in such a way that I am looking, if I find the right guy, to settle down, marry and have children in my early 20s; in my head, it really could be him.In reality, he doesn't even seem to like me; he's naturally quiet, but opens up a bit to people he's known more than a couple of months. We've worked together for nearly 9 months, and it's hard, most mornings, for me to even get a hello. New Years Eve I did hug him [all the staff were hugging and kissing each other, we were all working for New Years, it was lovely, actually], and was rewarded by a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It had me smiling the whole night. I think we could really click if he would just give me a chance - there's no real rules about managers and staff dating, and soon we'll even be in different departments, so totally separate - but he won't even give me the time of day. I do talk a lot, I am kinda loud and often trying to be "the funny one", but that's my role in life - the fat funny one. I'm tremendously insecure about my appearance, which makes me loud in a nervous, rambling, chatty way - and as far as I can tell that makes him want to pretend he doesn't have to go anywhere near me.What hurts the most is when I see him with other staff, who are just as chatty and offbeat as me, laughing and talking at the side of the restaurant while I stand there on my own, wishing he would even just say hi to me, or include me just once. It's not an age thing - there are girls a few months older than me he's friendly with - he just seems to hate me.I don't think - I hope - he doesn't know how I feel about him. The way I get butterflies when I see him at work, and how my stomach actually flips when I see him unexpectedly. I saw his car parked in Asda once [pretty unusual, since it was the one right near my flat, 16 miles away from where he lives and usually shops], and was so excited but so scared to run into him. So when I saw him from behind in the aisle, I dashed off to the other side of the shop. I was flicking through a friend's photo album, and my heart stopped when I saw a candid photo of him in a group, laughing at someone's joke, another one of him back from the group, looking just chilled and...perfect. I love him, and he hardly even acknowledges my existence. I had a date with a guy yesterday, and even though he was perfectly nice I realised that it could have been Brad Pitt dipped in chocolate, I'd still be yearning for Jack. In my head we're inseparable, and all I can think when I see him smile is that if I could be the one to make him laugh, to make him happy, I would be truly happy myself. If he would just give me a chance I'd give him the world, do anything for him, be anyone for him.It's a work thing in a way, as well. We used to work together in a much smaller department than the one we're in now, and he was by far the best manager there, even if he wasn't at the top. And I'm good at my job, I'm a good waitress, charming with the guests, very efficient, and I'll work 65-hour weeks [and I don't get paid by the hour] without a single gripe, and I don't remember him ever giving me a "well done" even once. I do have a real need to please people, especially those I have so much respect for, and it hurts me that he will never say anything good about my work. Never really anything bad - he just watches me on occasion, but essentially ignores me. The one night I stayed 4 hours past my finish time for him, he was nice about it [he had to be - the length of shift I worked wasn't even legal], said "thanks very much for staying", and that's as far as he ever went.I know in my heart he doesn't care; pretty soon he'll be in a different department to me and I will hardly see him at all, maybe just in passing if I have to go to his department to get something or vice versa; likely as not I'll be asked to work a shift on occasion in his department, so I may or may not run in to him. I hope this distance will mean I can forget about him and move on; something tells me, though, that I won't be able to do that until he or I leaves and I know there's no way I'll even see him again. I can't see that happening for at least a year, and I don't know if I can take seeing him, and knowing he's there, and not even being able to call him a passing acquaintance. I'd settle for friendship, even, just a "hi, how are you" when we see each other for the first time in the morning - pleasantries most members of staff exchange with one another every day. If I get more than a mumbled "morning" out of him, I'm on cloud nine.I would give anything to be with him, but I know it will never happen. And it's killing me.How do I get over him? How can I move on, form real relationships and stop obsessing over a man I can never be with?
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at work, crush, insecure, kissing, move on, my ex, never had a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Hey !
I guess everyone at one point or another goes through these crazy-never-getable- crushes. Its like you know nothing is going to happen, but you can't help liking that person.
Maybe you should start concentrating on other people. If you really think he's not too fond of you then Just let go. Somehow.
But you know, when you are infatuated to this extent with people, You tend to build up a lot of things in your head which don't even exist ? Like- I'm sure he doesn't dislike you. You seem like a likable person :) It happens all the time to me...you feel like he's ignoring you or he doesn't like you. Trust me, its all in the head.
I'd say, be normal and don't try too much-Not with him specially. It is disappointing if we put in so many efforts and don't get the desired results or reaction from the other person.
Just let it be. I know you really like this guy, but its been 9 months, he doesn't seem to even greet you too often. He's not worth the efforts. He might be good and you might like him a lot, But that's also because since he's not reacting the way you want him to, so you're building him up in the head and therefore longing him more and more.
And TRUST me, its not always the 'fat-funny one'. I know so many people who are a bit overweight and have the Greatest love lives !
Just be who you are, don't change for other people to notice you :) :)
P.S: I'm sure a hell lot of other guys would Love to date you !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): He is a fantasy. Repeat, he is a fantasy. Repeat, he is a fantasy. He is the epitome of a no-risk attachment. Here you are mournfully worshiping him from afar. It doesn't mean the feelings aren't intense. Doesn't mean that he can't rock your world, mentally. That is as far as it goes, however, and that is REALLY as far as it SHOULD go. You don't want to spoil the perfect image, the unblemished facade of perfection, with trying to convert him into a flesh and blood boyfriend. Ew! Seriously. Now, the cool thing is that you can obsess in peace, undisturbed by the need to master the challenge of making this into a real romance. Date those other nice guys, and fall in REAL love with one of them. And don't feel the need to compare apples and oranges. No flesh and blood guy is EVER going to be able to live up to a hormonally enhanced fantasy, and that's okay too. Our imaginations are wonderful, inventive and awesomely inspiring. The key is to take a BIT of what rocks your socks in the fantasy world into the real world and find a guy who can deal with your needs in a real and loving way. One who thinks you ROCK and who chases you. That's what you're looking for. Not a guy you have to chase, manipulate, change yourself for in any fundamental way. So guys like the manager, to me, would be in the "nice to look" category. And the rest of the male population is still out there. Now you get the wonderful adventure of defining who you are, owning it, and selecting your guy carefully from those who are chasing after you. You have the security of knowing they are interested and the luxury of taking a bit of time to see who will suit you. Hope that helps and best success to you!
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