A
male
age
30-35,
*roovymoving
writes:I am in love with my best friend and it's starting to tear me up. I'm mostly all for truth and confessing, but this case is a bit different, so I'm going to start with the back story.We've known each other since summer 2012, after meeting on a dating website. We hung out a few times. Then he had a particularly busy time at university and told me we'll meet again in two months' time. That was after we hadn't seen each other for two weeks already. It was also then that I realized I have feelings for him.He never got in touch with me after those two months had passed. I waited for two more weeks and then rang him up. Turned out he had been free for the while. So we hung out a few more times and I admitted my feelings towards him. Feelings, that, for some silly reason, had been growing all the time. He confessed he had known all along and that was actually the reason he had ignored me for those three months. Boom.Fast forward to autumn 2013, we've become best friends. And it's been evolving to become one of the most fulfilling friendships in my life. Like, we spend a lot of time together and it's always great. Either we spend hours on end chatting, discussing pretty much everything of interest, or we just watch films together in serene silence. Sometimes we just hang out at each other's places, both doing their own thing. Even during the busier days, we find time to meet up for breakfast or lunch. Long story short, we enjoy each other's company a lot and are constantly looking for it.Trouble is, I never really got rid of those feelings that I have for him. I could say I am deeply in love with him. And I don't know what to do anymore. Ignoring the feelings hasn't taken me anywhere (I mean, it's been a year and a half since I fell for him). The least I want to do, however, is ruin the friendship with a confession. I'm afraid he's going to start ignoring me again and that would be a huge loss, considering he is indeed one of my two best friends. Then again, I know he also enjoys my company a lot, making it less likely for him to exclude me completely from his life. After all, he considers me a best friend, too. In fact, there are even moments when I think he might have the hots for me. I can never tell though, if it's true or if I'm just being delusional. Especially considering we have a thing for banter.So I guess my question is, what do I do? Do I continue pushing my feelings down and hoping he'll one day confess he's in love with me? Do I confess and hope for the best? Do I try to find a reason to ask whether he has feelings for me?Two side notes. Every single relationship/fling I've ever had has started with my initiative and for once I'd like it to be the other way around. He is 23, I am 22, and we're both guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): The big problem with holding-out your feelings to wait and see if someone comes around is; you are unavailable to people who ARE romantically-interested in YOU, during your waiting-period.
I'm gay too. So let me speak to you being of the same sexual-persuasion. You nurtured your relationship with your friend as a unrequited love. That's being manipulative. Getting what you want, without a person giving it to you of their own free-will. He's your make-believe boyfriend.
You are waiting for the opportunity to seduce him sexually. It's only a matter of time, before you get frustrated; and try to cross that line. Watching him sleep, all unaware; and dieing to touch him.
You secretly yearn for so much more. Painfully suppressing your true feelings; while building your relationship under false-pretenses. Allowing your love for him to grow out of control; until you bump your head, and break your heart.
Now your feelings of love are a couple of years ahead of him. Even up to now, he has never caught up with your romantic-feelings about him. He knows they're there, and he will leave the minute you step out of line. You know it!
How many men must you have turned away or rejected for him?
How many times did love try to find its way to you, and you ignored it? Secretly wishing someone had feelings they don't have.
He has no romantic attraction to you, and you insist on waiting for it to change. Two years would not lapse without him making an outright pass; if that is the way he truly felt. Opportunities continuously come and go.
Men may hide their feelings, but they don't pass up sex!
You're holding out against hope. You are infatuated, and being stubborn about it. That is so unhealthy.
The torture comes when he finds someone, and falls in-love with someone else. You will feel jealous and resentful.
You will become possessive, and attempt to drive a wedge between him and someone he does care for romantically.
That is when you will painfully come to terms with the truth. That's when your friendship will hit a major snag.
I have encountered the "best-friend" who is always nasty and on the defensive around anyone threatening to get too close to their "so-called" best-friend/make-believe boyfriend. They behave worse than jealous lovers; because they don't have a chance.
You will ruin your friendship, and lose him altogether. If you jealously drove someone he fell in-love with away; he would be so upset with you, that he might never speak to you again. You had best rope those feelings in, cowboy!
What should you do?
Grow up and stop being a girl about it. You're a man. You accept the relationship in it's proper context and intended form. Not contaminate it by "pretending" you're his best friend; and waiting to get in his way, when love comes along for another guy. I've watched this tragic love-story only too many times with gay-people.
You're bi-sexual when sexually-attracted to a woman. You're gay/homosexual when you're physically and emotionally-attracted to a man. Just for some clarification.
You need to get out and date other people; to lower the intensity of your feelings for him. Monopolizing his time is only going to make you desire him all the more; and more resentful (or threatened) when he wants to share time with other single gay-men. Who are obviously attracted to him.
As for banter and sarcasm? That's what friends do when you're making them uncomfortable; and blurring the lines.
He is redefining the boundaries by giving you a
verbal-realignment with sharp words. I do that personally; when "friendly" hands go where they shouldn't. He's scolding you without being too serious.
You don't have to give-up the friendship. Give-up waiting for it to change into something else. Go find a real boyfriend.
Forgive me. I think I've heard your story before. Only roles have reversed. He being the bi-sexual; and you being gay. Sorry! It's such a coincidence; it's hard not to wonder.
A
male
reader, groovymoving +, writes (23 March 2014):
groovymoving is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSexuality is not an issue here. As said, we met on a dating website. He's gay, I'm bi. Both are open about our orientation.
And the thing is, I'm really not sure if either one of us picks up anything. The first time I confessed my feelings I was certain I had picked up a vibe from him. Turned out he was just being friendly. I do not want to make the same mistake twice.
As for him picking up my vibe, then I've been sure to hide any hints I might've accidentally made beneath layers and layers of banter and sarcasm. Our way of communication is so playful it's hard to consider anything serious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2014): Is he gay/ bi?
If he is and he knows (which I'm sure he picks up) your feelings towards him, I'm inclined to say he's just not that into you.
You're going to ve really heartbroken when he does start seeing someone else. I don't know about you but I wouldn't stick around waiting for that to happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2014): This may seem like a silly question, but do you know if this guy is definitely homosexual? If so, I would bite the bullet and ask. It's a horrible feeling to be in love with somebody and not know where you are. If he IS where you are, great! If he's not, you can move on and hopefully remain friends. Nothing is worse than limbo...
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