A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, looking for advice.My best friend suffers from depression, and has very poor self esteam.I have however, fallen for him. Ive found it in me to tell him how i feel and he says he cant feel that. It was a crushing blow and one I really found it hard to get over - Im not sure I am over it to be honest.The thing is, I would never have taken that chance if his behaviour hadn't led me to believe he had feelings for me. He holds my hand on the sofa, we cuddle and I get kissed on the face when watching tv. He's called me his ideal woman before, he keeps keepsakes of everything we do next to his bed. He's moving state to be closer to me.What should I do? I love him with my whole heart, and miss him all the time. Im not sure how much more hurt i can open myself up to though.
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (17 January 2010):
 I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry, but
you are better off not getting involved with him in a romantic way. You would be setting yourself up for much more hurt. I was married to a clinically depressed man for 16 years. It was a living hell! He eventually became emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I thought I could fix him, but I couldn't. No one could!
Be the best friend you can handle being, but as far as a relationship, find someone who is able to love themselves so they can love you in a healthy, functional way!
I wish you well!
~BG~
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2010):
 He certainly is muddling things by the cuddles and kissing, but I think I would believe his statement that he can't feel the same. He's not well, mentally, at the moment, and I think having you on a string might give him somewhat of an ego boost. He may care for you as a friend but that's not enough to build on at this point. If I were you, I'd protect my own heart and get out of any situations where the line between friendship and boyfriend/girlfriend gets blurry.
Don't let his mental state (I want to say illness, but that's a bit strong) manipulate you into further confusion. Keep your boundaries clearly drawn and go on about your life, being sure to date other men. Ask yourself why it is you are so caught up in this dysfunctional symbiosis. What is it that is missing in your life that keeps you tied up with this man? Why have you handed over your heart to this guy, who doesn't know what to do with it?
One last thought, I hate to raise it but having experienced this myself years and years ago: is it possible he's gay, he loves you dearly as a friend but cannot give you what you want? Which is a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?
You're not being mean by withdrawing from this untenable situation, I think, you are being practical. You can't help what you feel, I know, but you can examine why it is that you continue to allow the muddle to continue. You can't control his feelings and actions, you can, however, control your actions and choices.
I hope he is getting help for his depression, I wish him well. I hope you take care of yourself, he's not going to, okay? Good luck.
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