A
male
age
51-59,
*ers
writes:I am 35 years old and have been married for 8 1/2 years. I have a 3 year old son and 9 month old daughter. I've been having an affair for a year and a half now. I am madly in love with her and want to be with her all of the time. I have no desire to be w/ my wife but am terribly affraid of divorce and everything that comes w/ that...kids, money, etc...my wife and I are currently in therapy but i don't know why...any advice?Thanks!
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male
reader, Black-knight +, writes (10 March 2009):
I too am in the same boat. However I also have some more reasoning behind my feelings for the other woman. I have not had an affair with her, and in fact the lady might not even know. She was my first love and I recently had a friendship from her. I do however think that some of the mitigating factors are that I am suffering from PTSD. Not just from the war I was in, but from my childhood. When I was a boy the other lady was there. She was supportive and loving towards me. Even now when I told her that I was in Psycological counseling she seemed more in tune than my own wife.
An affair is wrong. All parties involved get hurt. You not only have to think about your wife's feelings if she found out, but also the feelings of the woman you are with. She has all the sleepless nights knowing that the man she loves is making love to another woman, your wife. You are hurting everybody. If you love yourself, your wife and the other woman, then let one of them go. Be a man and make the hard decision. I have an excuse for being all screwed up. You havent presented one to anyone here. Just do what you know is right.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (21 September 2008):
 You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Basically, you cannot run away from it anymore and must face the music. Either you end your affair and devote and concentrate on your marraige. OR have the decency to end your marraige so your wife can find someone who truly loves her. She will be hurt/angry but if I were her I would want to know if my husband wasn't in love with me anymore. She deserves that being the mother of your child. She in therapy thinking there is HOPE, but inside you've given up hope.
Just know that your mistress is not who you love.
YOu just love the fact that she makes you feel alive and desirable again. Of course she can, she doesn't have to change diapers, feed the kids, pay the bills and live with you. If you leave your wife for her, ...reality will hit and the lust and infatuation will disappear and what are you left with. Divorce is painful at first but we all get through it and learn from it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): For the first several years of my marriage I always believed that my husband and I would evolve as a couple. Instead, we became more and more unhappy. We had a child and although this was a blissful event, our marriage just became less and less of a partnership and more like a roommate situation. People generally do not change and the best predictor of the future is past behavior. Do get counseling on your own to address the problems you contribute to the marriage then and only then you should leave. Yes, it will be painful. I assure you, far less painful than living 17 years of unhappiness. The years will get away from you and your resentment will grow. In the end, the true victims will become your kids. Get YOUR issues under control and leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): The grass always looks greener from the other side. The issues you have to resolve could reoccur with the other woman if you went and lived with her.
Relationships often look better when they are new and it's probably exciting meeting up but this is not the answer, you are just trying to escape.
Try and get some time with your wife when you can go out and do enjoyable things together, and keep up with the therapy.
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A
male
reader, a_decent_1  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Sometimes it not what YOU WANT... It's what YOUR FAMILY Demands... !!I can't imagine how irresponsible a MAN could be to leave his family with 2 children, one just 9 months old, for a Woman... Sometimes its what Your Wife wants.. How much she loves and cares... I bet you wont forgive your wife for having an affair like you do..Would you forgive her if she tells you that she had been having sex with another guy and the Kids might not be yours..? Just coz your a man you dont have the licence to cheat.. !!
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A
female
reader, Butterflykiss2u +, writes (23 May 2008):
Life is to short to settle. YOu can nnot show your kids love if you are not exerienceing it yourself. There will never be an easy time to leave if you really dont love your wife. Dont go through thre motions of therapy so yo aren't the bad guy. Spare the both of you. Divorce is hard but so is living 2 lives one of which you will grow to dispise more and more.
Kids know when their parents are not happy. After you get through the pain of divorce you and your former spouse must find a way to be able to do things for the kids. YOu had them together and that will always be yor tie. The kids will now have 2 homes and 2 familys to be happy with. Kids are resiliaent and learn more about love when they see love in their parents even if their parents do not have that love for each other anymore.
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female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (22 May 2008):
What surprises me is that you've had this affair for a year and a half (18 months) yet you have a 9 month old child with your wife.
Your are in therapy with your wife because you tell people what they want to hear but do what you want anyway, psychology calls this "passive-aggressive" but the rest of us call it insincerity. Either end the affair and repair you marriage or get out of the marriage. Right now you're trying to have your cake and eat it too while hurting both women. I'm sure your lover isn't very happy with you and if I were to guess I'm sure you've made her numerous promises to end your marriage. Meanwhile you sit in therapy with your wife and haven't even mentioned the affair during the sessions so you're not even dealing with half the issues. You're wasting time, money, and people's feelings. It's actually very selfish and you need to grow a pair and make a decision. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's just the truth of the matter. Figure it out quickly before you produce more kids and bring them into this terrible situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Why did you have an affair with another woman for one and a half years? I think you need to tell your wife about the affair and, for the sake of your children, I suggest that you should end your relationship with you mistress. Although your wife will feel pain and anger, but as long as you tell her everything and the reasons why you want to end the relationship with her I'm sure she will understand. You can't expect yourself to wash away this problem overnight. It will take sometime for her to understand, but you have be patient.
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A
female
reader, Jeanine1234  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Hello, this is a very common situation.I belive you should be with the one you love. Altho when theres kids in the situation it can be hard.If anything you should think very carefully before you act.children can be very understanding when approached in the right way though.I knew someone in the same situation once. They thought about it first,and when they realised they wasnt going to work they sorted out how they would both be able to look after the children and who would get what in a sensible fashion.But like i said,i think you should be with the one you love no matter what ! I wish u luck, not like youl need it :]
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