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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I am 22,F. I grew up in Malaysia and migrated to Australia 5 years ago. I am asian and I believe my culture does affect on how i see thing sometime. (just certain in life but not all)I am in a relationship with a white guy for a year plus plus.In Asian culture, if a guy date you they pay for it, and if that goes on for years, he usually pay for everything like movies, drinks, dinners..drive you around,etc..The girl only pay it whenever she feels like it, if you don't.. guy wouldn't really say a thing.. but yeah, of course if the guy have financial problem, they are happy to sort it out by seperating the bills or so.. but usually, girl don't pay..I want to know how does this work in Western culture?Is it really on 50% 50% basis? I read a magazine a while ago, it highlights that a lot of women says if you have 50% 50% relationship you are not in a relationship. Is that true? Well, I read that magazine in Melbourne, so I will assume most of the readers are westerners.I do agree with what the women think in the magazine. Maybe Iam affected by my Asian culture or maybe it is just me who don't feel comfortable to go on a 50% 50% relationship. I see it different way. I see it as way that it is not compulsory for me to pay for everything, but it doesn't mean that I don't pay or appreciate his love. I do things differently, like I cook him dinner on special occasion, or take him out to special place or trip and even get him descent present. None of them are cheap. To me, it is not the issue of money, it is the amount of effort I spend to organise things and have it all set up. I do show my love at things that I don't have to go so out of the way to help him. Because I love him, I do that for him. But in return, I am just not comfortable with the whole 50% 50% relationship concept. Like if you dine out, you pay half , he pay half. As if we are friends. And that will happen to everything.And I think going on a 50% 50% relationship has no love. Like whenever you do something, you start calculating if each party are putting their part in. I DON'T. I just find it no way to live like that.Maybe he can do it 50% 50%. But I can't last long or even be happy in a 50% 50% relationship. To me, it is not the problem of money but rahter an issue of feeling secure. I feel it is more like a transaction than anything else.I have talk to him about this issue. He just go like, everyone around us are going on a 50% 50% basis. What should I do? I told him about all i said in above. He just said, oh, in western culture we do it 50% 50%.I reckon, if we don't get this figure out. We won't be happy together. We do love each other very much. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2006): Can more ppl leave their opinion, please? Especially ppl from Europe, US...etc...Thanks.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 February 2006):
 Speaking as another an immigrant to Australia (since 1987), the answer is Yes, the culture leans toward an equal split of expenses, particularly if both people have the same financial resources.
It's part of the "mateship" culture, in my opinion, that we're all equals and nobody is better than their friends. Still, it's a difficult line to follow in dating, where traditionally, whoever asks, pays, unless something has been arranged in advance.
Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you're not comfortable with the way it is here, and you need some time to adjust. If you expect to live in Australia for the longer term, you need to be open to changing the way you've always thought about dating. Maybe the two of you can make it a component of your dates to specify whether it's your "shout", his, or a split. That way, both of you know what to expect.
You will get used to it, (after all, splitting expenses when you're both working adults is only fair!) particularly if you begin living together or get married. The idea of men always paying only began because for countless generations women didn't work outside the home and therefore didn't *have* any money, you know?
For what it's worth, I think that it's sweet of you to do special things for him, like cook him a meal, and I hope he shows appreciation for it. But if you two are going out to movies and dinner, for example, it's not really fair to expect him to pay for all of it. It might help to re-cast the situation in a different light: your boyfriend doesn't have to "pay" to take you somewhere to enjoy your company, as in the old days; instead, you're both going out to do something together. And that costs money.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2006): Dear Martini,
I don't blindly follow what the magazine says. I am not those ppl who follow something blindly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2006): Stop reading those stupid magazines that try to place people where other people think they belong. I do things for my partner based on how I feel and not based on what others think. It doesn't matter where you live, who you're with, and how much money you're making. Just do and express what you feel like you want to do.
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