A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First of all, please don't judge my relationship. I'm not asking a question about how to "win his affections" or anything, I'm asking if I should tell him about a miscarriage.My boyfriend and I are in a complicated situation right now. He's about to graduate, and he's working full time at one job, and part time at another. I feel awful about how much he's pushing himself. But here's the thing. We're taking a break on our relationship, he's too busy, and feels bad that he can't make time for me. But now he's ignoring my text messages. Of course, I took it personally, and was a little pissy about it. But last week, I ran into his best friend. I pulled her aside and was talking to her. I asked if my boyfriend (or I don't know what to call him since we never discussed breaking up, still together just not not physically) was ok. She said that he's been ignoring her too, and all his other friends. I told her that he's not responding to me, and I need to tell him something important.I did, however, have a miscarriage last week. I didn't know I was pregnant, but I had a hint during the last week. Since I wasn't pregnant (this is so weird to think I was actually pregnant) for more than a month, I didn't need to go to a hospital since the baby would just come out in my period. But I did go to a Planned Parenthood, and took 2 pregnancy tests. They couldn't prove that it was a miscarriage by looking because it was less than 6 weeks. But they did tell me, that's more than likely what it was. (I'm not going to list my full symptoms on here, because that's not important on how it happened). And I trust that they know what they're talking about.Here's the bigger problem. How can I tell him? I feel like he'll either, A. Not care because it wasn't a long pregnancy. B. care too much because he loves kids and will spiral into a depression. C. Not believe me. Should I just keep it a secret? Even I don't believe it myself.What should I do?
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (12 December 2012):
 It's not a good idea to use his friend as a means of communication. In your post, she stated that he wasn't even responding to her texts. So that will do you no good.
I stand by what I said in stating he doesn't really have a right to know, as it wasn't a viable pregnancy. He also isn't going to be able to give you the emotional support you want right now. Like I said seek support women from women have experienced a loss, or even grief counseling.
Because you're so bent on telling him, it makes me think it's to get him back, and not so much the emotional toll of the miscarriage. Sorry.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2012):
 No, do not bring in his friend. She is HIS friend. And will feel obligated to tell him or voice her opinion about this to him.
THIS is between you and him. And if he can't handle the "work" it takes to be a BF, do you really think he can handle the support you feel you need right now?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Do not bring his friend into this.
I agree it's not the time or place.
again if the time comes up far in the future, you can let him know.... but now, involving others, that's not for HIM it's for you and that's selfish.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 December 2012):
 I would not tell him , also because you don't know for sure if it was a miscarriage. With all due respect for Planned Parenthood, a miscarriage is what has perhaps happened, not " most likely " happened. Pregnancies don't go by symptoms and hints which vary humongously from one woman to the next, they go by HCG levels. These are already detectable ,99 % percent of cases, by the 4th week of pregnancy ( when a period would be due ) and , most of all, they don't drop to zero just the moment you miscarry , it generally takes a couple or days or more, to go back to non- pregnant values. So , if you took a pregnancy test just after the miscarriage ( as they do to try and see that it WAS a miscarriage ) and it came out negative, is is also possible that you never were pregnant and something else happened.
Since the situation is tense, and he does not want to communicate with you, I would not go making a big fuss to get his attention and tell him " This is important, MAYBE ,not very sure but maybe, I could have had a miscarriage ". Not to dismiss your feelings of shock etc., but I guess you can see yourself how this statement would smack of plea for attention / stratagem to mollify his heart.
IF your relationship gets mended and back to usual, you can talk to him, and tell what you feel is probably happened etc. But as of now, I think you'd better respect the break and just get support from your friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, first of all, he's not talking to anyone, he's not just ignoring me. When I was talking to his friend, she said he's ignoring everyone. But she offered to send him a text saying that he should talk to me. Now, I don't want you all to get the wrong impression of him. I've been in the same place that he's been in, you get so busy that you just want the world to stop. But he used to do this a lot (before we dated, he just disappeared for a few months and came back, we were friends at the time). Yes, I'm struggling with the fact that he may be moving on, but I do want to tell him eventually.I think it would help a lot if I tell him later.Ok, but, how does this sound? I'll text his friend, and tell her not to text him about talking to me. I'll tell her what's up and see what she thinks, because she's known him longer (since grade school) and knows how he'd react better than I would. She's extremely understanding and nice, so it's not like she would be a bitch about it. If she thinks that he would need to know, then I'll text him and say, "I know you're busy, and you really don't want to talk, but I need to tell you something important. I don't want to tell you when you already have so much on your mind, but you do need to know eventually. It's very important." and whenever he's ready, I'll tell him, but if he never gets back to me, at least his friend will know, so if the subject ever comes up, he'll know from her and that way I'll never have to worry.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2012):
If you want his sympathy then I don't think it's a good reason to tell him.
I also agree that he has a right to know that he has the ability to create a child (always a worry for folks who have not proven that ability) but this pregnancy was clearly (much like mine) never viable. (which happens in about 50% of all pregnancies and in years past many women did not know they were pregnant)
AND I agree that he should be told FACE TO FACE in person. Which right now is not an option for you.
so my take:
right now DO NOT TELL HIM.
but later on if things calm down once you are past it and can be rational and collected about it (and you will be eventually) should the situation arise then you could tell him. But I would not go out of my way to do so.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (12 December 2012):
Miscarriages are never black and white.
Does he have a right to know? Yes and no. If the pregnancy were viable, then yes he would have a right to know. Not to downplay the severity of a miscarriage (it's nothing to take lightly), but he doesn't have to know about it. Should you tell him one day? Sure, just not right now since he has a lot on his plate. Plus, you two don't seem to be on good terms.
You're wanting emotional support from him. But is he the type of guy to provide it? Most guys do not know how to provide that type of support when it comes to dealing with loss. That type of support you're better off receiving from woman who have been through it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2012):
I think if anything this should be a wake up call to ensure a pregnancy doesn't happen in the near future again. With him "needing" a break this strongly, getting pregnant would not be a good thing for either of you right now.
Would I tell him, probably no. IF he isn't responding to text and calls as it is, I wouldn't tell him. For several reasons, 1. the subject is a FACE-TO-FACE issue. Not something you text about.
And secondly your relationship is in shambles right now. If he can't handle his work/school and a GF.. I don't think he can handle this very well either.
Thankfully for you this happened in the very early stages so you will most likely not have to deal with the surges of pregnancy hormones and so forth. Doesn't mean it can't feel weird or scary.
I am not sure he would believe you, I think he would assume that this is a cry for attention. I mean the dude won't even talk to you about non-issues.
I know you say the relationship in on a break, it really sounds more like it's over. I'm sorry. I mean he will text his female friends but not you? That sounds like it's over.
I DO think at some point in time you should tell him. You shouldn't have to carry this all alone. But this really HAS to be a face-to-face conversation.
I would rely on one of YOUR female friends to talk to for now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I'm glad I'm not the only one. I keep telling myself, "You had a miscarriage." but I just can't believe it. It's still so unreal.
But, yeah, I do want his sympathy. Like, I want to tell him, but at the same time I don't. But I feel like he has a right to know, y'know? I mean, I don't want to tell him just to make him feel bad, or start talking to me again, but I want him to know. Like, I don't know what he's going to be like in a few months. But I still hope that things will get back to normal, but this isn't a question about my relationship. Don't you think he has a right to know?
Even his friend gave me her number and said that I could talk to her anytime if he doesn't get back to me, I didn't tell her my situation, but I told her it was extremely important. And she said that if he doesn't respond, then she'll text him and tell him that he needs to talk to me. I'm upset about him, sure. I hope that if I tell him face to face he'll at least sympathize. But then I don't want to because he's wayyy too busy to have this on his mind, or he'll think I'm lying. But if I DON'T tell him, he'll be really mad.
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A
male
reader, jfire86 +, writes (12 December 2012):
 From a male's perspective, I wouldn't want to know. I might tell you that I do, but honestly, it would just bring too many other thoughts and feelings into an already stressful situation. You guys are taking a break, even if he isnt returning your texts and phone calls, he still has his own thoughts of what is going on between you too. Adding this information will only further complicate things for him.
If you're hoping this information will bring him back to you, it might. But is that the way you want to do it, guilt? Thats not a good building block for a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (11 December 2012):
 If he won't answer your calls or texts how did you plan to tell him? Don't leave this in a text or voicemail. What I would do is say nothing. If he does come back around and you try to date again then let him know what happened. But for right now you aren't in touch with him, you don't see him, you are technically broken up as you said. Telling him this information (however you go about doing it) will be pointless and won't do either of you any good, you aren't together so it doesn't serve much of a purpose. I think you are hoping the news will bring him back around to you, whether you can admit this or not. Unfortunately it may not work out that way so it's best to leave it unless you start a relationship with him again. If you feel upset by it and want someone to talk to then rely on a friend or find a counselor, your 'ex' has too much on his plate right now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 December 2012):
I know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage back in 1989 in a similar fashion. I had no clue I was pregnant and I had a terrible horrible period and went to the doctor and was told I was pregnant... I lost the baby. But it never felt real to me. My blood work was negative as the hormone levels never got high enough to make the pregnancy viable....
it's a weird place to be...
Should you tell him?
well why do you want to tell him? What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him? Do you think it will bring you closer again? It may. It may not and if you are hoping it will and it does not you will be sad about that too.
Do you need him to grieve with you?
I'm not sure what I would do in this instance. I know that for me personally I would want someone to know... IF I could prove it. I know with the type of miscarriage you are talking about there is no proof.... and that makes you feel like you are making it up too and if you get accused of that, there is not much you can do... in this case, if you can cope without telling him, it might be the better option... but wait and see what some of the other younger and wiser aunts have to say.
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