A
male
age
41-50,
*ookingforhelp83
writes:Hi,This is my first time posting on a forum like this so please be gentle. I just can't seem to get any solid advice from my friends or family.For the longest time I did great with dating. I lots of friends that were women and I had lots of girlfriends. Many intellegent, attractive catches and they liked me.For the past two years I have been unable to get a women even vaguely interested in me. I am 25 years old and I have some hangups but I try to keep those buried away because I dont want to frighten off people, but as far as I can tell women have been treating me as completely unapproachable.The last two girls I took out on a date were 5 and 7 months ago. We had dinner or drinks and a nice restaurant and had great conversations for hours. When the time came to setup the second date I thought for sure I was in maybe even a goodnight kiss, but no I got totally shot down. One girl just kinda took off and the other never returned a call afterwards.I feel like I am the same person as I always was, I feel like I look almost exactly the same. The only real difference is i have a slight receeding hairline, but my hope is that women arent superficial enough to have that be a dealbreaker.Also, you should know that I dont give up. I keep trying. Everytime I meet a cute girl at work (We have hundreds of employees and very high turnover so there are new people weekly) that seems fun I try to get to know her better. Usually they are polite with me, but when I try to turn it up a notch and it perhaps becomes obvious that I may be interested in them they completely shut down. Some stop talking to me. I have hangups from a relationship with a super-superficial girl when I was young. Although every girl I have dated since has described me as cute, I cant help but have low selfesteem about my looks....and these issues I am having only compound the issue.Any has any advice, thoughts, groundbreaking theories....please respond :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): HiI'll be gentle with you...Maybe the Girls do not feel special enough because..(every time i meet a cute girl at work, we have hundreds of employees etc etc) they may think you have a reputation for dating LOTS of girls. Just a thought.Good luck anyway! and keep them coming if you cant keep em ...and have fun romeo.via con dios.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): Hi,
I have to agree with acd719 on a few points. If you are still using the same techniques that you used in high school, they will not work. Some people who are very popular in high school tend to want to keep their same look since it worked so well for them in the past, but again, you are no longer dealing with high school girls. You are now dealing with young ladies, who, by the way mature much quicker then men, so they do not want high school boy looks or attitude any longer. While they are still young enough to be out having fun they also got one eye on their biological clock. What they are looking for now is a man with the potential to offer security and loyalty (long term stuff). If you are still approching them with the "player" B.S., trust me, they can see right through it. Another thing that you might want to consider is that since you said your self esteem has suffered due to your recent inability to find a date, that could just be another reason why you can not get one. While, on one had, I do not believe that most women are shallow enough to care about looks alone, on the other hand, I do not beleive that looks are what women find sexy. I know this may be a hard concept for you to understand, but have you ever seen a very physicially attractive women with a man who's looks would make you question why? It is because men are visual and that is what they relate and attact to. Seeing a beautiful, sexy women is what does it for them. However;a women's preseption is based on emotion. Since we clearly could not possibly have an emotional conection to a man that we do not even know, we go for the next best and most attractive feeling that we can immeditly sense which is confidance. Nothing is sexier then a confident man. So if your self esteem is suffering this is the area you should work on first, but be very careful that you do not cross the line of sexy confidance into immature a-hole, it is a thin one!
Last thing, quit asking every cute girl you see at work out. Trust me, I am old and married now, but when I was in my early 20's I worked for three seperate a companies at different points in time with a big turn over, much like the one you describe at your company. Upon my first day of work at each company, I was approached by "the girls" in my age group. They came to warn me of the company "freak" that will be following me around and asking me out by lunch time because that was what he does everytime they get a new girl in and they were right every time! Remember, at that age young ladies are looking for maturity and they are looking for somebody with long term potential, so if you run around asking out every girl that walks in the place, not only do you look extreemly desperate, but you also appear to be a very immature person, that will jump on anything that moves. If you truly feel that work is the only place where you are able to meet a nice girl, then you need to wait until you bad rep dies down or at least until all of the currently employed females have moved on to something else. I am not talking days, I am talking months. While you are waiting, work on you self esteem a little bit. Then, when a girl gets in there that you are sure you would like to go out with - do not ask her out!!!! Be creative, she is new, ask her if she needs help finding anything. Let her know where you are sitting at and if she gets board she is welcome to stop by and chat. If she does not stop by within a day or two, find out her company email address (not from her, from somebody else) send her a very simple email asking how things are going. Since this is a question, she will need to answer you. Just keep going from there. Stop by to see her ever other day and once you figure out her personality a little bit then start sending her some joke emails that you are sure will not offend her. After another week or two offer to take her to lunch with you. Not as a date, just a hey I'm going to BK want to come? This will give you more time to get to know her better in a private setting, but never try to make a move during work hours. Never! After lunch becomes a regular thing and you feel that you know this girl as well as any guy you know and would consider a friend, then and only then ask her if she wants to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. Can I say for sure that you will not get shot down - no, but welcome to the world of grown-ups. You have to get to know her and make her feel like you are her friend before you stand a chance. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): honestly, at early stages in relationships…most people i think will be superficial…i don't know how good-looking you are, but maybe you should lower your physical standards…i kind of sound like a bitch, but maybe that's why you're friends and family aren't giving you a straight answer b/c they don't want to hurt your feelings…but, it might not be your looks…
maybe you are pursuing too much and overwhelming these girls too quickly…give them space and don't seem too needy…people always want what they can't have…don't seem overly interested or make the girls seem like they're so amazing…you want to show that you have respect for yourself
you've gotten older, and so have the girls…the 20-something girls aren't as easy as they used to be in high school…and you can't be using the same techniques that you used in high school to pick up girls
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