A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Here it is. My dad(45 yrs old) has this friend who's only a year younger than him. They've been friends as long as I can remember, plus they work together and we go to the same church. With him being so close to my dad, we've developed a really close relationship. I don't mean like a dating relationship either, I just mean like friends, completely. Like aggravating each other, calling each other names, you get the point. He's honestly like a teenager inside and I just always thought of him as a close friend (I know that sounds really weird but just use your imagination.)I also want to make this clear, I have **no** designs on him whatsoever, no feelings more than a friend. But here's my concern, I have the feeling that he might be attracted to me. Example: At church (ironic) my family sits across from him. I **always** catch him looking at me during service, I mean constantly. Even when I look at him I expect him to look away, but he just keeps staring at me and smiles. He's married, but him and his wife aren't close at all. After church, 9 out of 10 times, he walks out with me and always puts his arm(s) around me. At first I took it as innocent flirting, and didn't think anything of it, but it's became a constant thing. When our church made applebutter for a fundraiser last year, we partnered together to stir a kettle (He chose me, I didn't choose him. He even picked me over my dad [his best friend] and his wife)While we were stirring the applebutter, (I hope everybody reading knows how to make applebutter) he asked me to sit on his lap...yeah. I told him I'd just sit next to him, but he insisted. I thought he was joking so I sat down and he just put his arms around me and put his chin on my shoulder and stayed like that..a while, until people started staring. The only other thing I can think that he's done is when I saw him in public once while I was with my one of my guy friends. He talked to us a while and my friend left, and he's like "Are you two dating?" and I said no, and he goes "good, you could do better." I know that's not a lot of info, but it'd be more convincing if you were me, trust me. I just want your opinions. I mean, I know older men sometimes flirt with teenagers (yes, it's creepy and we don't enjoy it) but he seems way more interested, but this is the best I could explain it. Thanks(:
View related questions:
best friend, flirt, older men Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Just try to avoid him more, and if he comes up to you just go go talk to my dad, he wants to speak to you. If he touches you or try to hold you go pardon me I'm not comfortable with you hugging me.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 Dear adifferentperspective, I am not a particularly "strong " woman. I guess I just have a suspicious mind and I have a hard time accepting the idea that a girl, even a very young and church going one, can be so sweetly naive to see these kind of exchanges as innocent . The guy is married- ( happily or not, it does not matter )- just this should be enough to nip in the bud all the flirting and the special attentions.
I was a girl who developed early, by age 13 I had the body of a 20 y.o.girl. That attracted jokes and compliments from male relatives and male family friends, and trust me, without being at all street smart or sophisticated- I just "knew"- I knew by instinct who was candidly and innocently avuncular in his appreciation, and who was leery and creepy. A girl just knows.
Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming the victim and not saying it is the OP's fault . But I think that at some level, maybe subsconscious, she may enjoy the attention- as it is understandable at her age, when girls are hungry for validation and crave feeling "special ". Maybe this is what makes her so wishy-washy in fending dubious attentions. When something really creeps you out- you don't need much strength to say stop.
If this is not the case,OP, I stand by my advice, -try and develop assertiveness, it will help you in many situations all your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 July 2010):
There is nothing innocent in a 45 years old married guy flirting with the teen daughter of his best friend. It's just creepy.
Do not encourage him at all. What was appropriate when you were 6 years old, - the name calling etc.- is not now. Just stay away from this guy as much as possible and when you have to be around him be coldly polite and no more.
And learn to be assertive ! It drives me nuts when I hear women saying... "but he insisted " . What does it mean, that if a guy you don't like should ask you to have sex with you, you say no the first time,...but the second you'll accept " because he insisted "?? It was not OK to sit on his lap, and if you go along with this type of physical closeness, then you can't complain that he is always tryng to touch you. No means no. "Don't touch me,please- I don't like it "- is that so difficult to say ??
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 I think that is more than enough information. Whether or not this man is actually seriously interested in you doesn't matter, because his physical contact with you has crossed the line. He should not ask you to sit on his lap, that is actually disgusting (no offense to you). Sitting on the lap is for small children only, and clearly as you are not a small child, this is not-normal. You felt uncomfortable with it. Right there and then it should stop. Why should you do something you are uncomfortable with? It just isn't right. Maybe you should insist that you don't want to, next time he wants to be that close.
I understand that it is hard to tell him right out how you feel. Because it will be awkward. But trust me, he is totally aware of how intimate he is with you. Perhaps the easiest way out of this would be to decrease contact with him. Be a little rude from time to time. Stop the friendly flirting you do in return. Stop the name calling and other games you play with him. When you know he is coming over leave the house and go to a friends. Spend as little time with him as possible. That way, without saying it directly, you will get your point across.
I realize this is hard because you do have a friendship with him, and you wish it could just stay a friendship. But the physical aspect of this friendship is concerning me. What you could also do is to tell your dad that you are not comfortable with the way your friendship has developed, and that you would rather he stopped being physical with you (as in touching you, giving you hugs, wanting you to sit next to him or on his lap). Maybe your father will be understanding and make it easier for you to leave the house when he knows his friend is coming over? The absolute best is if you could talk to your father about this. Sadly, I know not all parents listen. But it could be worth a try.
Also, next time he lays his arm around you after church, gently take it away. Or gently ask "could you remove your arm please?". If he asks why just say "I'm not comfortable with it". Sometimes you just need to be blunt.
...............................
|
