A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been best friends with someone for 9 years, dating for 5 years, married for 3 months. Both he and I are in our 20s. I really love him with all that I have, but we don't get "intimate" too often. We work similar schedules, but he always goes to sleep an hour or two before I do, and wakes up earlier than I. On the weekends, I am wide open hours after he falls asleep, and once again, he's up with the sun, whereas I like to sleep in. We hang out with others so often, and when we are home, we are taking care of our 20+ animals, plus cleaning and trying to get by starting out in this rough economy. I have never been overly concerned with "making love," I had a bad experience in my past that makes that act not matter a whole lot to me. I do enjoy being with him, and even after 5 years, I get butterflies and become all nervous just at the thought of making love... but I feel bad when I make him go 2 weeks or more without "it." And 9 times out of 10, when we go out drinking and I get a little tipsy, I lose all inhibitions, don't think about my past, and let loose. Sometimes, when I drink, I kiss my friends (girls), and I don't know why. I"m actually scared of drinking, because I want to be kissing him, loving on him, not goofing off kissing my best friends, and I do it because I know he likes it. After all that "letting loose," it makes it harder for me to initiate it any other time, because I am generally shy as can be when it comes to "that." I see new couples, having been together for a few days or weeks, and they are all over each other, and I wish we could be like that... but we've been together so long, I feel old. It's all so comfortable and natural, we spend most of our time just hanging out, kissing every now and then, always blowing kisses and winking in public, with our secret gestures and those songs that come on that remind you of certain "events." I know we are in love, no doubt, and I am pretty sure that he understands my "distance" from lovemaking every night, but I guess I just want to know, can guys deal with only getting "some" a few times a month? My issues are a lifelong thing, I just don't want to lose him because of something that hurt me in the past... HELP! I'm desperate here!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Hi
I agree with 'smiles' but she did not put it strongly enough.
You MUST get help for your past traumas, and soon. This will be hard & you may go through a few counsellors/psychologists before you find the right one.
If you don't face the past, it will haunt you forever. Time will not lessen its impact & the events from your past will only do more damage with the passage of time.
I know it's a hard road & I urge you to start along it soon because the process can be pretty long. I know you did not ask for what happened in the past but your partner did not ask for its legacy either.
Good luck & best wishes.
P
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Dear Poster
You got some good advise and suggestions from qcumbr 1;
I would just like to add that I think you need to pay attention to the past issues that are haunting you; talk to your husband about it yes, but I do suggest you should get professional help; there is no reason or need for you to suffer because of PAST TRAUMA; get help and get these issues resolved; you and your husband deserve all the happiness and making love should be very much part of your joy and bonding.
Please, do get help, you don't need to allow the past trauma to have such an influence on your life at present; you have the choice to make your life better and to improve your attitude towards love making, which in turn will contribute to the happiness of your marriage.
I know dealing with Post Trauma can be very difficult and might even be scary to you; but there are very effective methods to help you and to assist you to resolve the pain, hurt, feelings and emotions around the trauma.
I suggest you need to get professional help to let go of the hurt from the past; that will help you to enjoy the present even more and will enhance your future happiness.
Best wishes and always keep SMILING.
...............................
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