A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that I am feeling very unsure about. I am getting married soon and my life with my partner is fantastic. I love her to bits. She is beautiful inside and out, caring, loving, and I have never been happier. We have a big wedding planned and a fantastic honeymoon all paid for.The trouble is I have developed something wrong with my nervous system. I am being tested for many neurological disorders, one being ms. I have always been athletic and always gone to the gym. I am usually very healthy. The issue is if there is something wrong is it fair on her to burden her to a life as a carer? I may be jumping the gun, and this could just be a treatable condition and a bad two months, but if this is something serious I cant help but feel like I tricked her. I gave her an image of me for the past few years that will not last. I wont be the person she signed up to marry. Am I being stupid for thinking this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2013):
 If she is aware of your situation fully then she's making her choice and going in with eyes wide open and you can relax that you are not saddling her with a bad life.
MEN often define their ability to be a good partner on their earning potential... for many women that's not the case... they define a good partner on more important things.
You need to trust her and accept her decision which is to stand by her man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe knows everything that I do. She has been a rock for me in this. She has told me that she will be with me through anything and there is nothing I can do to make her stop being with me.
I am blessed to have her.
The problem is I am feeling guilty about locking her into a life of semi poverty and her (potentially) as a carer. When she met me I was rapidly progressing in my career, I was fit, athletic, played a high grade football. Should the worst be diagnosed I am afraid most of that will be gone. She might have a lifetime seeing various degrees of me suffering for only a few years of me at my prime. I dont think it is fair.
For what its worth she is in no way shallow so these things are more important to me than her.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Sorry you're not well. I hope it's nothing serious.
I think you should invite your fiancée to your next appointment with your consultant, let her ask questions and generally let her support you through all this. Then it's really up to her to decide whether or not she can take it all on - of course a lot depends on the actual, final diagnosis, but if you involve her at this stage I truly think it will benefit you both.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2013):
OP I had this exact thing happen to me about two weeks after my now husband and I got engaged I was diagnosed with early onset degenerative disc disease.
Mine is not going to get better. Mine is manageable with exercise, keeping my weight down, having nerve blocking procedures a couple of times a year and massive doses regularly of very strong muscle relaxers and narcotics.
Thankfully at 53 I'm still functioning.
I even asked about it: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-your-partner-had-chronic-health-problems-how.html
I went to my fiance and I TRIED to break the engagement. I felt that it should be HIS free choice to be with me knowing that in 10 or 15 years I could be a complete cripple in diapers..... especially because I am older than he is.
he would NOT hear of ending the relationship or the marriage.
we just celebrated our first year together. And he's taken me several times to have my back procedures.. and he lives with a woman who comes home at night and dies on the couch on her heating pad.... BUT it was HIS choice to do so and he did it willingly.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Why don't you talk to her about it? I cannot imagine anyone being in love, finding out their partner has recently been diagnosed with something serious and running for the hills. If they do, they probably aren't truly in love with you. This is something really scary, you are marrying this woman to make her your partner in life, don't you want her by your side through all these tests and those scary tense days waiting for the phone calls? That is why people search out a partner, to have someone around through the hard times as well as the good.
One of my friends was diagnosed with ms and while it didn't impact her too much physically, she has phases of becoming very, odd, for lack of a better word mentally. She can't drive or use the stove anymore. Her husband simply dusted her off and takes excellent care of her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Have you told her you were being tested for a bunch of stuff? You can't "trick" her if you let her make her own choice about you.
I was diagnosed with a genetic kidney disease 9 years into my marriage which essentially became a dialysis and then a kidney transplant. I am like you in that I have always led a very active life, and I can tell you that while there are things now I can't do, there are many more things I can.
You may be jumping the gun because you don't know what is wrong with you, but I guarantee that a chronic illness doesn't disqualify you from having a rich and full and satisfying life. You just adjust.
Always be upfront with your partner about what you're going through, and then there is no such thing as "tricking". Just because you have an illness doesn't make you any less of a man or a partner or a lover.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 December 2013):
My mom has ms, and is in a wheelchair most of the time. Fortunately for her, she wasn't the most active person in the world before, but it's still very difficult for her and maybe even more so for my dad who's essentially her caregiver.
However, if you chose the right person to marry, and at this point it sounds like you have, then there's nothing you could say to get rid of her.
I think the key is to fight the disease with everything you've got and to use her as your inspiration. Don't ever get complacent, as it only makes things get worse even quicker.
Give alternative medicine a try, especially diet based medicine.
Good luck!
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