A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Wow! It has been a long time since I came to this app, but I'm finding myself lost and needing help and support. My daughter is almost 13 at the end of the month. She is a typical 12 year old. Great with school work, always wanting to please, goes out to see her friends. Never causes any trouble. She can be cheeky and argumentative with family but what other 12 year old isn't? Or so I thought. She has Tik Tok! Well, I used to see a lot of her videos and they were all so innocent. Just dances and lip syncs... Anyway, recently sneakily managed to see some and they contain sexual content. Not explicit. But, theres one that says something like, "if my nudes are screenshot, doesn't matter cos my face isn't in it,". Its not her saying it, she is just lip syncing. She has no explicit pictures/videos on her phone and definitely trust she has never sent anything of the sort. Another video shows a multi coloured lolly and says something like, "hands up if you can reach the bottom colour". Meaning that you can deep throat! She hasn't had sex, nor kissed a boy as she has stated in other Tik Toks and conversations I've read between her and her friends... I'm just shocked. I don't want her posting this kind of thing and people judging her. I know that when I bring it up she will be mortified, apologetic and she will be in tears. But i wanna do it in the right way without killing her (jokes!!!) So i need help. How would you approach it?! It's making me unable to concentrate at work, sleep and eat. But I need to say something soon before I blow and say the wrong thing!Please help, Aunts!!! Thanks in advance x
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 April 2020):
 Good job, mom
Keep talking to her, but do consider that YOU decide on her punishment, it's not her job. She doesn't have to like it, you don't have to like it it just have to make sense. To you.
While NO kids like to be disciplined, they will later on (if they are smart) understand it. Your daughter seems to be smart and she seems to be almost relieved that you brought it up, because it means SHE doesn't HAVE to follow the "herd" and that YOU care, and she can come to you.
Which is good.
Be ok with awkward and hard conversations. You will have more ahead of you :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, I do monitor most things. But she shows me Tik Tok videos here and there and they have been mostly fine. I definitely agree with "its other 12 year olds,". She was apologetic and told me she does those things because her friends do it and if she doesn't they'll pick on her. I asked her what her consequence should be and she came up with, deleting every single video, deleting all the followers and the account and making a new one and having me as a follower so I can monitor the videos and followers myself. She also said 2 weeks without pocket money and 2 days without phone. Which I accepted. Her friends are pretty well behaved but don't spend much time with family, I.e. home alone while parents work etc. Whereas, it has always just been me and my daughter and even though I work, she spends time with aunts, uncles and grandparents. I told her how upset I was that she feels she can post things without knowing what they mean and that she feels she can't come to me and talk about things. So, she asked me numerous things and I am now hoping that she will come to me more often because she knows how upset it made me. Thanks for your help, guys. It was something that was stressing me out and when I started to get upset, my daughter asked me why I hadn't talked to her sooner instead of making myself sick with worry! I don't doubt she is a good kid but she definitely needs to stop being a sheep and copying her friends behaviours!
Much love!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2020): Outdated restrictions and taboos really is an eye-opening phrase.
It could mean anything.
It certainly doesn't represent the thoughts of a worried mum or the caution needed for a naive child.
It's extraordinary that some people think the 12 year old is about to have a muddled mind because her mum wants to warn her about people who are not what they seem.
It's natural that no one else will show the same degree of concern but to openly suggest the mothers concerns are unwarranted is a classic way of endorsing the twelve year olds naivity in a cavalier way which can undermine the mother/daughter bond.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2020): There's a reason there are monitoring and blocking tools placed on devices and websites.
The trouble with your 12 year-old is other 12 year-olds! While you're patting yourself on the back for being a great-mom, with a great kid; she's on social media with all the not-so-great kids raising themselves online. They have no filters, they are never monitored, checked, or supervised. The people who brought them into this world are either their besties; or just sperm and egg donors. People are resentful of anything that requires manners, discipline, good-behavior, and self-control. They hate their parents for reminding them who runs the house you live in! They raise their own kids the opposite of how they were raised. Their children talk to them like their equals; as if they are visitors in their own homes. Telling them where to get-off, or to shut-up! O-o-okaaaay!!!
Parenting is more than creating offspring. They require love, nourishment, guidance, and discipline. You must keep an eye on them more as tweens than you did as toddlers. Now they can reach anything and they can go online and find anything.
They talk to kids online who have perverse little minds, a vocabulary like a drunken sailor, bully-mentalities, and good at recruiting naive kids into their online-gangs and attack-squads. They will send your kid videos they've taken to humiliate and persecute their enemies. You don't really know what her innocent little eyes have seen; because she is smart enough to delete it!!! She knows you will sooner or later spy on her. She knows, because the other kids warn her ahead to get rid of it. They're objective and juvenile-agenda is to corrupt your kid; and make him or her feel like their having no fun or missing out on life; unless they do "what everybody is doing!" You remember that...right?
The idle-mind is the devil's playground; and kids without "real" parents are the devil's favorite playthings. He uses other vicious little brats to get at them. It is your job to protect your kids.
Yes, she is innocent. If you want her to remain that way; you must monitor her online activities, and know who her friends are. It is not an invasion of her privacy. If she gets enticed into meeting-up with a pedophile posing as another kid; you do not want to be the last to know. If boys are placing peer-pressure on her to do what other girls do; you want want to be there to intervene before that happens. Like your mother used to do!
You must talk to her, advise her about things to look-out for online. Tell her straight-out that you have to monitor her online-activity for her protection, and stop trying to be "cool mom." There are cool-moms with missing daughters or sons, and cool-parents who don't know what their kids are doing when they're out of the house. There are cool trusting-parents identifying their kids on slabs in morgues.
This is not to scare you, or criticize you as a parent. It is to remind you that you do have a sweet, innocent, and wonderful child. If she is exposed to the internet, others out there are also undermining your values; and having an influence on the child you know. The first thing that comes out of a parent's mouth when a note or call comes from the principal of the school, or a cop shows up at the door is: "Not my kid!" If you don't know your kid, or you're too busy being a pal; the other guy gets a chance to undo all you've done to make your kid the child you did know. Once your kid gets one-step ahead of you, they're in danger!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 April 2020):
 One approach you could use is to talk about it as it relates to others doing it. Be matter of fact, non judgmental and try to engage her by asking what she thinks about it.
I also recommend you keep the conversation brief. The moments that stick with us in life are not the long drawn out speeches, but the one liners. Something that makes her think without feeling judged and that she can easily remember.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2020):
She is 12 and on the internet without supervision, what do you expect?
I'm sorry, THIS is your JOB as a parent to TALK to her about, to set LIMIT and if necessary, BLOCK her from doing.
Boundaries, limitations, guidance, teaching right from wrong, the social rules, morals, values, personal integrity, self respect, etc. etc. THAT is your job as a parent. And it's a tough job.
My kids shared a PC (they later got tablets and then laptops) but There was no filming stuff in their bedroom and uploading it to the internet. NONE of them had a Facebook until they were 15. Because of all the drama there has been going on (especially with their school, but I suspect it's kind of the "norm" for this generation) Their Instagram are hidden from public and by invites only, and they DO only invite people they know in real life. They quite often show me what they post (and no, I don't ask them to do so, they SHARE this with me because they know I trust them online).
These two websites might give you a start on what to talk to her about. (you might find some that are way better, these 2 just popped when I looked up online safety for teens) You can WITHOUT doubt find many many more to explore.
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/privacy-and-internet-safety
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/how-to-talk-to-teens-about-dealing-with-online-predators
I get that you don't want to show your kid you don't TRUST her online, but you ALSO need to ensure that SHE is safe online and that SHE doesn't endanger others. Her "fun" video of "deep throating a lollipop" might end up choking some other kid who ALSO wants to be cool. You see how common sense is needed? And being the "not always fun" mom?
While I think kids having fun posting tik-toks (I know my kids have friend that do them too and they can be fun little videos) I think YOU as the adult need to sit her down and explain why THIS or THAT video is not OK. Remember the whole "Tide-pod challenge" ?
Yearly 10,000 kids (small kids) get their hands on laundry power pods and end up in the ER, NOT because of some stupid "challenge" that was a joke... but 86 TEENS WHO should KNOW better ALSO ingested it BECAUSE of the challenge to get "attention, clout, internet fame"...
Some teens (I would say most) bend to peer pressure to a varied degree. Those who have been thought to THINK before they do, to use COMMON SENSE, are less likely to fall for peer pressure and to try and "one-up" or be the "class clown". That is where YOU as a parent come on. You can HELP your daughter to USE common sense when posting online.
You also mention that you have read the conversations between her and her friends online, but she doesn't know you "snoop"? What is the POINT of snooping if you DO nothing when you see stuff that triggers a warning signal in your brain?
You NEED to sit her down and talk rules, guidelines and common sense. IF she can't stick to them... she can't be online. Yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2020): Cut the internet so she doesn't have access. Sit her down and be honest with her. Show her the dangers of her behaviour and give her a chance to speak freely and explain why she thought it was ok to make these videos? Do you monitor what she can access on the internet? You need to put restrictions in place to keep her safe when she is online. My daughter is 17 and her allowed access is for college and fashion school only. Once she's 18 then the access ban will be lifted slightly again so she can gain employment etc. Your child is 12 and should not be exposing videos of this kind. Be aware that pedos monitor tik tok for vulnerable kids. She's at risk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2020): TBH I dont see anything wrong in your daughters behavior or suspicious. She seems to be a fine kid by todays standards. Please dont complicate your daughters brain by outdated restrictions and taboos. Tell her you would welcome if she wants to talk or need advice. Be friends with her and tell her about your experiences when you were her age and let her know you trust her.
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