A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for ten years, have four children together, and have generally been very happy together.But recently, he's been working an awful lot, he's been stressed and whereas before, if something was bothering him, he'd talk about it to me, now he doesn't. I'm wondering whether or not he is having an affair...he doesn't have the 'symptoms' of a man having an affair...but its just the fact that he doesn't talk the way he used to anymore, he doesn't embrace me in the mornings like he used to, he just gets up and goes to work. Theres one half on my mind telling me that he is having an affair, and one saying that he isn't. I don't know which side to believe.I keep replaying ideas of how I might react in my head and I don't like it, I don't want to be angry at him, I don't want to end our marriage; not just because it would hurt the children, but because I still love him so much.But thats if he's having an affair at all...and I'm here to ask how I go about asking him without seeming suspicious, and if it turned out he was having an affair, how I'd save my family from complete collapse.....
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female
reader, aligrl4life  +, writes (7 August 2011):
You need to talk to him now don't wait. He may not be having an affair at all. Don't let your mind play games, it is best to just ask him point blank and you can more on from there.
I recommend that you get the book the seven principles for a happy marriage, i just picked it up when my husband came to me and said he wanted a divorce after 30 years of being together. I wish i would have read it sooner because i now have an understanding of how relationships last and the art of communicating.
Good Luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): "But thats if he's having an affair at all."
Don't assume anything. Talk with him, with professional counseling help if necessary, and don't just try once and drop it. Be cautious taking advice from anyone online or otherwise who is not a professional couples counselor.
"My husband and I have been married for ten years, have four children together, and have generally been very happy together."
Here is a precautionary tale.
My wife and I were married for 9 years and she went through similar thinking, we had four children, I was working a lot (it was work or be fired and lose our house), plus helping with the kids, she thought that perhaps I was bored with her and didn't find her attractive, and she started talking to the wrong friends.
The hell of it was this, at least three of her/our friends/family thought I might be having an affair when she talked to them. One told her to "divorce his ass" and "put money into secret accounts". She grew terribly distraught over this, but didn't voice her concerns to me directly, it ate at her and ate at her, and then she ended up having an affair herself with an acquaintance who found out about her worries about me and then jumped at the chance to encourage her to do the same. She then broke it off, felt terrible about doing it herself, and kept the secret for years afterward.
It was only 10 years later that she confessed to the affair, after our marriage had entered a tailspin due to her guilt and shame she had internalized, and she finally realized at long last that I was where I had said I was all along...at work...dreary hard work, long days and late nights, working, working, one day after another, coming home tired, leaving tired, and doing my best.
Then, she felt worse than ever, because while I was exhausted and working for the family she was having an affair, and paying babysitters to watch kids while she met her lover.
So, he may be having an affair, he may not, but the bottom line is that you don't know.
However, you do have intimacy issues in your marriage. That is where a counselor can help you, help you figure it out, talk about it, and constructively work to improve it if possible so that you both get your needs met.
If he confesses to an affair, for the sake of your children get counseling help, so that even if you don't end up together you will at least protect the children as much as possible.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 August 2011):
 There really isn't enough information here to go on to make a conclusive confirmation on whether or not he is cheating.Times are tough right now and with four kids, and working lots of hours, I am sure he is probably sweating the bills. Is money an issue? Perhaps he is resentful towards you and the kids because you are spending too much or not helping out with the bottom line.Rather than taking guesses and making accusations, I recommend having a one on one date and seeing if you can't reconnect. Hit up a movie or go out for a nice dinner or see if you can't get away for a long weekend. I think you need to take initiative in fixing what is wrong and take whatever steps you need to, to restore intimacy in your relationship.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): Hi there. Sorry to hear you are hurting and going through this. To be honest, there does not seem to be any evidence that he is having an affair. That does not mean that he is not having one, but I dont think him not hugging you is indication that he is having an affair. It sounds more like he is tired and maybe slightly worn out with everything? Maybe the two of you have become a little stale?
Look, you have been togther 10 years, you should be able to talk. I suggest you put some time aside to have an intimate chat. Maybe get out for an evening and be honest. If he's stopped being intimate with you then tell him how you feel. It's okay to say you've been wondering if he's been having an affair, really. Good luck.
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