A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(I'm using their preferred gender pronouns here, not birth ones).I'm married (18 months) and have a 4-year-old daughter.Last week my wife admitted to me that he was transgender and had only married me for money and to have a child.He said he'd known since he was eight years old he wanted to be a boy, and, when I was out at work, he'd been stealing my boxer shorts and suits, and now is going to start living as a man this week. I felt shocked and upset.But the kicker came when he said "I only married you for your money and to have kids, and I expect us to live as a gay couple together. You know you want it."It was just brash, ballsy and bold - no emotion or emotional lead-up to it, which I thought was odd (from what I know about transgender people, they're often worried about it.... not in this case).The truth is, I'm not attracted to him as a man (he's started living as male as of last week, and his behavior's became far more cruder and he's started drinking, even having vodka at 11am in the morning) and he will not accept that. He's trying to get me to stay in the relationship.I'm not gay, will never be attracted to men but he won't accept it.As much as I want to support him, it feels hard to actually do it given his behavior.There was absolutely nothing in his past behavior that made me think / suspect he was transgender; if anything he was almost the perfect wife.But now I'm wondering if I wasted my life being with the same woman since I was 23 in 2011.It's concerning me, but I'm wondering if he's using psychological abuser tactics trying to get me to stay.I worry he could get violent.COVID-19 etc. is also concerning me because I don't know whether there'll be a lockdown etc. and if there'll even be resources if things get violent.He's now insistent we live together as a gay couple and move to Manhattan, NYC, but I don't want to, I like where we are here in a city here in Texas, but he's insistent about it. Isn't Manhattan way too expensive, even for a family-of-two? But he's aggressively insistent about Manhattan, and says "We're going... fucking going, no choice".He was never this brash before about things.There's no guarantee my job (I work with autistic kids) would be available; I work in a specialist role with autistic kids aged 8 - 16 years old, it's not an easy job at times, but it's not a careworker role, more psychiatric/psychological.Despite my job, I'm not equipped to handle my husband's psychological issues; I can't be his shrink.I'm wondering if I wasted 9 years of my life with him now and that I'll be a single parent (although he's threatening to take the kid to live in Manhattan).I'm struggling to cope and don't know what to do for the best. Not at all.Please help me out.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 Let's remove the gender issue for a moment.
Your spouse has told you that they only married you for your money and to have a child. That is cruel and unkind whether or not it's true.
Your spouse whether through hormone medication or a misguided belief that that's how men behave has become a bully and you are living in fear of violence.
Your spouse is expecting you both to live as a gay couple but you're not gay.
Your spouse has started drinking alcohol at 11.00 in the morning which is concerning also.
I think you need to speak to a lawyer immediately and start getting legal wheels in motion to protect your little boy. This is not a healthy environment for your child to grow up in.
No child should see one of their parents bullying and threatening the other, no child should be at the mercy of or witness the behaviour of an alcoholic parent.
You need support and may need counselling to help you adjust to this lifechanging set of circumstances.
You need to get out with your son and start afresh or your spouse should be made to leave the marital home. Lawyers can help you with this.
Now, lets put the gender issue back.
Your spouse needs professional help if he is to transition. He will need to speak to a counsellor to help him work through the massive physical, emotional and social changes he will experience.
You say his behaviour has changed dramatically and he's become course and abusive is it possible he's started taking hormone therapy? It sounds likely and my concern is that the dosage may be wrong or perhaps, more worryingly, he may have purchased them on-line and they may not be safe.
You and your son should consider safeguarding as your home is clearly not a safe place for either of you right now.
Your child will need support to help him adjust to the gender change of his parent and the new living situation.
I can only imagine the turmoil you're in right now but please do not allow yourself to bullied by someone who is clearly troubled. Your priority right now is to speak to a legal expert and get some sound legal advice and move forward from there.
My thoughts are with you. I hope this helps ABx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): Get a lawyer and document everything especially early morning drinking. .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2020): Now is the time to seek legal advice. Place the welfare and safety of your child at the forefront to avoid any possibility of the child being kidnapped or taken across state-lines without your consent. I urge you to be strictly honest and remain level-headed. Do not lie to your attorney, it will not improve your case; if divorce and custody of your child becomes your ultimate decision. Any acts out of prejudice, or any attempt to be vindictive, could backfire. In desperation and anger, people create false stories and invent incidents that can't be verified or confirmed; but serve to smear and discredit their opponent. If you're on the right-side of this; trust that it can work in your favor, by sticking to the facts and providing evidence.
We are listening to only one-side of this story. We know you are thoroughly shocked and completely distraught. Who wouldn't be? Keep a calm head, panic or anger results in hasty or rash decisions. You didn't want to marry a man, and her (the feminine-pronoun is still appropriate and interchangeable; if she has not had reassignment-surgery...in this case being used in the past-tense) decision comes after the fact. There is the politically-correct choice, and there is your personal-choice of personal-pronouns; since you are her husband, and you married a woman. Your choice comes when you're ready to accept it. If you have, then from this point I will use the masculine-pronoun.
If what he (your wife) tells you is true; then you have grounds for a divorce. It seems he has made-up his mind; and how he went about it is his way of letting you know there will be no argument or turning-back. You are being left no alternative; therefore, divorce is inevitable. You don't have to accept what someone forces upon you; but neither do you have the right to take away his child without allowing him to exercise his parental-rights. I know this controversial situation would incline you to want to take your child and pretend your wife died, or never existed; but the child still has a mother, regardless of what sex she/he has assumed now to be their gender and identity.
I'm cautiously optimistic that you are willing to work something out; but there is a problem with the threat of your spouse wanting to move-away. That can be contentious, and the way he handled things doesn't indicate he will stick to the law or try to compromise without forcing you to resort to legal recourse. His behavior seems erratic from your description; and he doesn't come across as stable or trustworthy.
I would not trust someone who married me for money, and to have a child. I would not naively assume they would do things within the confines of the law; so your best move is to seek legal representation without delay. Why would he ask to remain a couple, if the only purpose of marriage was money and to produce a child? Does he have any regard for your feelings, or have any sense of compassion? It would seem someone making such a drastic change would want as much support and cooperation as they can get! Please excuse a little skepticism on my part on the total accuracy of your post. I have to know both-sides.
If he has decided to change his life, and you don't wish to live your life as he dictates; then get a divorce, and pursue shared-custody of your child. Let him live his life, but take nothing more than what he is legally entitled to. If for any reason his mental-stability comes into question; then you might want to seek full or primary custodial-rights. You didn't tell your wife you've decided one day out of the blue you're going to become a woman and pull-up roots to move to New York City! Who on earth does that? No diplomacy or tact was used whatsoever! It doesn't require your permission; but it does directly affect your marriage and your child.
No need to stand in judgement, all you care about is your child; and moving-on with your life. I would seek some counseling for mental-health purposes; to make sure you're not overwhelmed with stress or shock, and to avoid any risk of depression.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 September 2020):
 OP, this is terrible and very sad. I can only imagine your shock if you really had no idea! Get yourself a lawyer. he cannot do this and get away with it. Do not let him bully you and frighten you. I wouldn't wait and try to argue if he has his mind set. He is making ridiculous demands and they should not be tolerated. I wish you all the best. This cannot be an easy situation by any means. Take every step you need to protect your child and yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2020):
 My advice? Document everything.
He can't just take your child and sod off. And he can't MAKE you move to Manhattan or anywhere else. If HE wants to move that is a choice HE can make FOR himself. Not for the entire family. And there is no way I'd move to N.Y.C without having a secured future job and a place to live, especially with a child.
For him to spring this on you out of the blue is not OK. But it does happen, there have been plenty of women in your shoes, who's husbands decided they were now women and wanted to live as women. I can't imagine this being easy at all.
I can tell you this, you haven't WASTED 9 years with HER (I will say her because the past 9 years HE was a HER). You two made a life and a child. So that HASN'T been a waste. But living with someone you no longer know, who scares you and makes you feel unhappy with, would be wasting YOUR life, IMHO.
I think your partner is absolutely UNFAIR and behavior abominable. If HE knew since he was 8 that he wanted to (at some point) come out as male, HE shouldn't have married you without telling you.
I would suggest you get a lawyer. Because I don't see you being happy staying married to this person. A person who has LIED to you since 2011. I would fight for full custody because I don't think a child need THAT much upheaval in their life, with one parent changing gender AND moving across country.
The thing is you can't change your spouse. ONLY how you react to all this.
Maybe you should also look to talk to a counselor and suggest your spouse do the same.
If my husband decided, you know what I'm a woman now, we should move to XTZ and be a lesbian couple. I'd say good luck, and be out the door. And that is after 20+ years of marriage. It's not acceptable to spring tuff like that on a spouse and presume they SHOULD be totally OK with this.
I get that gender identity and politics are very much a hot topic these days but at the end of the day, if you are a STRAIGHT man, living as a GAY man isn't what you want or HAVE to do.
Now this of course has only gone on for a week. So if you still want to try and make it work, I'd suggest couples counseling.
But I see no shame is saying, no this is not what I signed up for nor is it something I want for me. If HE can make these HUGE changes and not consider YOU (and your kiddo) SO can you.
I think you should talk to someone - close friend or family and get some support. Because it IS a lot to take in.
Now, before anyone gets off the deep end and call me transphobe or some other crap, I want to say I DO get that there are SOME people who feel they are in the wrong body, and who live BETTER lives after they chose to live as the other sex. I have no issues WHAT SO EVER, with grown adults who make these kind of choices FOR themselves. But I don't think they should be made lightly. I think they should seek counseling and work on making that transition a slow, steady and healthy one. Not just decide, from now on I'm a man/woman, basta. And then expect EVERYONE to just go, OH OK, sure that is perfect! Because that is not realistic.
You partner has know since age 8, so at least 25 years that THIS is something they wanted to work towards. Your spouse USED you, to get security and a child. THAT much she has said outright. And while I can't BLAME your spouse for wanting both.... I can't condone the presumptuous and selfish choice to say, "You know you want it." and "We're going... fucking going, no choice". That is not how marriage works.
YOU need to get your ducks in a row, OP. And you NEED to figure out what YOU want. Where you want to go from here.
I am sorry you are in this position. It sounds like a nightmare of a situation. A lose/lose/lose scenario.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 September 2020):
 Its sounds to me like she has made up her mind that she now want's to live a man. I think its rather a tall order to expect you to want to live as a gay couple, especially if your not gay.
What's also odd is she openly admitted to you that she married you for the money, and to have kids. Then after that offer's you an invitation to be a same sex couple together.
I can't believe that she expects you to accept it, you walked down the aisle with a woman, you said your vows to a woman, so why would you be accepting of this.
She seems to have completely changed personality, has become demanding, brash, controlling, and now drinking to much.
She is asking you to move to Manhattan, say's you are going no choice. Then threatens to take the kid to Manhattan.
There are some very worrying alarm bells here OP. I think the next port of call should be to get the ball rolling with some legal advice and take it from there. From what you have said its seems that is the way its heading. I would do this sooner rather than later as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2020): She doesn't sound transgender... she sounds deeply confused. Like she believes that being a man means being an emotionless, aggressive automaton.
You need to sit down and talk to her. Let her know how you feel and end the conversation if she gets faux-aggressive again.
Being transgender is not a bad thing. But neing an a-hole is. She basically says she doesn't love you and only used as a sperm donor and then dumps all her other transgender issues on you and gives you no time to process anything, just expects you to be okay with it. That is the mark or a horrible, horrible person.
Truth be told, other than having a child, I don't know what you are still with her for.
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