| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I'm 17, my boyfriend is 31. I guess I'm just looking for someone to reassure me that everything is OK. We've known eachother for a year and a half, are taking things slowly, and we still have not had sex. My mom knows about us, my friends know as well. The problem is that my dad still doesnt know, and neither do his parents. This is frequently on my mind, because my dad does not approve of this guy. It gets so difficult to keep it a secret because I know I can't let my dad know until I'm 18. He'd probably chase my boyfriend down with the truck and run him over... (or something to that effect) My mom is keeping it secret from him because she knows how i feel about it (they're divorced.) It gets so frustrating sometimes that I feel like I should just end the relationship. I'll look at other guys, but then I'll find myself thinking of him and not wanting to be with anyone else. I am so in love with this guy that I can never get him out of my head. I always listen to what people have to say about age gap relationships. The "What could he possibly want with a teenager?" and "You're in different places in your life." I get your point. But isn't it a win-win situation? I get a man who knows what he wants in life, has a job, is mature, has a house... And he gets someone who is youthful, fun, smart, and devoted to him. How is that bad? After a year and a half where he could've had sex with me if he had pushed for it, I know he's not just using me. We're both just so afraid that the world will look at us like we're crazy, because people don't often see it our way. It's killing me to keep this from my dad, but I don't see another way. I apologise for the lengthiness, thank you for listening. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2006): I've been in your spot. Relationships with age differences are tough. It seems fun now, but as you go out more you'll notice that you are going to be the youngest one in the group of friends. I've been there. Not fun, awkward to say the least. Another thing to think about is...yea he's got a house, but guess what? Most likely that house isn't paid for, and if you end up marrying this guy, you are entering to the world of morgage payments, loans, etc. His debt becomes "our debt." The last guy I dated had all the toys, a house, new truck, motorcycle, you name it. The thing was, nothing was paid for. And I knew that if we ended up getting married, I would end up helping pay for his toys he got to play on before I even knew him.
I guess what I'm saying is, be careful. There are alot of pros and cons to relationships. But if you feel that this is what you truely want, go for it. Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): You should just tell your dad and see what he says and if he disaproves tell him how much you are in LOVE with him it will all be over soon the sooner you tell him the sooner it is over! If your dad really cares for you he will forgiive you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006): Ok, I see that you really like this guy and that is cool, but I am going to play devils advocate here and give you something else to think about. I think at 17 you are too young to be romantically involved with someon 14 years older than you are, if you were out of highschool, gone through college or had a few years of independence I might feel differently about your age gap relationship, but I think you don't have enough experience to make a good judgement about this relationship. I am happy to hear that you have not had sex yet, that is a positive in my book and your guy is probably a decent fellow, however, you have definately suffered a trauma in your young life when your parents divorced, I am guessing that your boyfriend is a substitute for the fatherly attention that you missed out on when your dad moved out....the fact that you feel uncomfortable telling your dad about your relationship with this man speaks volumes, you feel you are cheating your dad out of a relationship with you, and I think you are cheating yourself out of a relationship with your dad...you would benefit from turning towards your dad for some of the love, affection and acceptance that you are craving from an older father figure, he is your dad afterall, let him give that to you. It may take some time but I think you could become closer to your father, and then you will feel better about yourself, feel more secure and make better choices about a male romantic figure in your life...I am not saying you have chosen a jerk in your boyfriend, but he may be too old for you anyway....the aging process accelerates as a person ages, and the age gap will be greater between you the older you get...if you are ok with that, fine, but realize this will happen to you both. Also, you are so young to settle into a permanent situation...you have many years to enjoy your youth, explore, make friends and discover who you are...and then you will attract the right man for you....just my opinion, but I hope this gives you something to consider...peace.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (15 October 2006):
 Hi Anon,
You know, it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks about the age gap in your relationship. The important thing is that the relationship is good for you and your boyfriend. If you two are getting along well, care for each other and treat each other well, then that's great! It's really nobody else's business, not even your dad's.
But if you're worried about telling your dad, then just wait until you're 18, like you say. But let me as you this, do you really think that his feelings would change after your birthday? No matter what, he may still think of you as his little girl. Also, I'm just wondering - do you live with your father? Is that why you're waiting 18 - so you can just move out and in with your boyfriend and your father won't really have a say in what happens? Well let me tell you, if you think that your dad is going to want to run over your bf with a truck, what's the say he won't do anything later on? Just something to think about.
But then again, why do you *need* to tell him about your guy's age? Would you feel 'required' to tell him if your boyfriend was the same age as you? Probably not, right? I say if it comes up, then it comes up.
The one thing I've learned is not to let your folks dictate who you "should" and "shouldn't" date. If you don't date who *you* are compatible with, then the relationship turns into something you probably will be unhappy with. It would be much more frustrating to have to settle for someone rather than be in a meaningful relationship, right?
So I guess my bottom line is that as long as you're happy, then try not to worry about it. Nobody should tell you who you should and shouldn't be with, otherwise you're not living for *you*, but you're living your life the way someone else wants you to. And you're not obligated to tell anyone your man's age. You're not doing anything bad or wrong, in fact it sounds like you're doing everything right: you sound really happy with the relationship you two have.
Take care.
...............................
|
