A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a college student and I met a girl in class in September. We started getting along really well and in 2 or 3 months we saw each other outside of school almost every day. It could be almost impossible to keep in better touch with someone than how we were keeping in touch. Most of the time we spent together was studying for the one class we had together (which turned out to be a very difficult class). We would watch movies and study all cuddled up, she'd sleep on my shoulder, and whenever our body parts touch she seems to not want to withdraw. We grind at parties all the time. And it is almost always her that touches me first. She's opened up to me about somethings she doesnt talk to people about. But the deal is, she has a boyfriend; they've been together for 5 years, throughout high school, and they live together now going to the same college. They seem inseperable and even their parents and grandparents approve of them. They seem like they are married. I think she is crossing the line by touching me so much and we seem to have different ideas where that line is between friends and lovers. Plus, she's done all those things right in front of her boyfriend, which probably makes him jealous and it make me uncomfortable. But I'm kind of getting used to it; now I kind of just ignore the fact that he might be jealous since she's the one always engaging the touching.But I do not have any doubts that she is still in love with him. I've thought about maybe she likes me better but she just likes the comfort of being with someone she's known fr such a long time. But I think the chances for that are slight. I think you've figured out by now that I'm in love with her. What most of you are going to suggest is for me to just move on and find other girls. The thing is, I cant. She is nearly PERFECT. Her looks, her personality, she cooks, she cleans, I can't imagine what a grueling task it would be to find someone better. I am actually willing to wait out until maybe just maybe she breaks up with her boyfriend. It's my personality that I'm always willing to wait for the long term rewards.Plus, I cannot really give up because she is already one of my BEST friends. And I cannot tell her everything I want to tell her because she does have a boyfriend and nothing would change. Things might even go downhill.Starting January, she will be going to a different college 1.5 hrs away from our original college. She will be living alone, away from her boyfriend. I plan to visit her and she wants me to too. I know there's a lot going on but the bottom line is, I'll just have to wait patiently and wait until hopefully something happens........ right??? Help!!
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best friend, has a boyfriend, jealous, move on, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGotcha. thanks
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 It sounds as if you're dead set on what you want to do, so why did you come on here asking the question then? If you wont take my advice that's fine, but you came and asked it, and I gave it.
Waiting around for someone = poor idea
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbandon the friendship? That doesnt make sense. She is depends on me. I'm already someone that has to be in her life or else she will be miserable. She cares about me, just as much as I care for her. She is usually the one that says hi to me first, whatever method of communication we are using. I'm not in a position where I will get hurt, cuz I'm not expecting her to become my girlfriend any time soon. If I end the friendship, we'll both be hurt in a serious way. She will probably react more than I would.
Also, there's a lot I can find out about other girls without actually becoming their boyfriend. And when I do get a girlfriend, I will commit, and whatever happens after that cannot be predicted from where I am now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 January 2011):
Its not fair to any other girl you meet. Or do you perhaps think thats fair?
I've been/am in your shoes. In love with a man who either likes someone else or just doesn't look at me that way. I found that as much as I'd love to be with him I can't let my life dust down because of it. Neither can I enter a relationship with someone else while secretly wanting him. What if you were with another girl and this girl who now is your "best friend" wants you to be with her? What then? Would that be fair to the girl you were already dating?
Thats why I say, unless it can be strictly friendly (which it at the moment isn't) and unless you know you will under no circumstance give up any current girlfriend for her (as that would be lousy behaviour), then abandon the friendship. Im not saying to betray her, I don't get why you'd see it that way. You don't have to be her enemy. Just stop hanging out with her this much and stop putting yourself in a position where you will get hurt.
It's called self preservation. Not betrayal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I understand what you're saying. And I am open to meeting new people. Im always foward about meeting new girls all the time, and I might meet someone soon. But thinking of her from the most neutral, unbiased position possible, she's too good to pass up. And I'm pretty good at thinking neutrally by the way. What she's interested in, what she likes, dislikes, very very surprisingly they almost all match with mine (the meaningful ones). And also, ending the friendship is literally just unthinkable. If I did it won't be just giving up on a girl, it would be an act of a really bad betrayal which I am sure to regret and it will leave guilty feelings. We trust and care for each other way too much.
And "giving up" or "moving on" just means opening up to other things. It doesnt mean that my feelings are gonna fade away, cuz that cannot be directly changed by anything unless I poke a hole in my brain or something.
So what I'm doing now is just being her good friend and not expecting much out of her. I am open to other girls but I still like her a lot.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 January 2011):
You should move on. Sorry, you said you can't, but you can and you must. You say she is near perfect.. well all the qualities you listed in her you can find in someone else as well. Not to brag, but I cook and clean and look good as well. Several good women do. And there are several women out there waiting for an equally good guy. Besides, everyone seem perfect when you are in love with them. Thats how people hook-up and get together, they think the other is perfect. All the break-ups in the world is proof that what may seem perfect from the outside isn't really perfect at all. She could be an amazing woman. But, you don't know for sure. And what you do know for sure is that there are other great women out there.
If you do get a chance with her later in life, then take it. But for now she's taken, she's not into you (if she was she'd break up with her bf), and they aren't going to break up any time soon it seems. In either case you'd not want to be the rebound.
Trust me on this. Once you find another great woman you'll not obsess about this girl any longer. If you find yourself falling hard and deep for her then end the friendship. Or else you'll just be the looser who stares at her from the distance all your life, unable to get a life of his own.
Just take life as it comes and don't plan on waiting for her or not. Just... live, meet new people, don't lock your heart up, and don't feel horrible if you do happen to fall in love with someone else. You're not married to this woman, and you are within your full rights to move on from her, even if you do promise to yourself that you will wait and wait and wait and wait.
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