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female
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anonymous
writes: I need advice on what i can do to sort my head out. I love my bf to bits and i know he loves me too, but my personality defects are really dragging me down. I'm really insecure and if i haven't seen him or spoken to him in more than 24 hours then i'm convinced that he's forgotten about me and no longer loves me. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we could break up at any time, and it's made me really emotionally unstable and quite clingy. What can i do to help myself? It's driving me insane and if i'm not careful it will drive him away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): You arn't going to like some of this advice, but here goes...
You need to become comfortable with who YOU are; and you can only do that whilst you are single.
Right now, you can't honestly say whether or not you are with this guy because you genuingly love him, or because you have become emotionally attached to him because he shows you affection, warmth and, love. Similarly, you don't know if he is with you because he needs to feel needed by being with a needy person. In many ways, you are opposites; you need each other, but not in a healthy or sustainable way. You are right; your insecurties though will inevitably cause increasing problems that could result in your breaking up.
Ask yourself why, exactly, you have this need to have someone show you love so excessively? Had you been let-down as a child, perhaps? Are you desperate for the commitment and love that you were lacking when you were at your most vulnerable age - I think you are. Until you can reach a point in your life where you no longer need someone else to make you happy, I believe you will always have this insecurity and worry consume you - and that is sad, because relationships should make you feel like you have gained something, and never feel like they make you feel lacking in any way.
Your best way of tackling this is to speak to a professional.
Counselor's and psychotherapists arn't all the same; they each follow a different system, and belief in a) what has caused you to be the way that you are and b) how to change your behaviour for the future.
There is what has become quite popular, and successful, and that is CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy. This generally achieves "results" far quicker than traditional methods of counseling. It works because it challenges the way you think about yourself and the things around you and what you can do to change those thoughts and feelings.
Say they were to take a typical problem of yours, say your boyfriend was supposed to call you but he hasn't. There are two ways of looking at this. The negative way is that:
a) Think: They have forgotton about me
b) Emotionally feel: depressed, lonely, rejected and inferior
c) Physically feel: stomach cramps, sickness
d) Action: continue worrying about it, making things worse and worse until he does call - at which point you are obviously down about something.
The positive way is this
a) Think: He must be really busy at work and he can't use his phone
b) Emotionally feel: Hope that he isn't too busy and he's doing alright (ie: concern for him, rather than you)
c) Physically feel: None - you feel comfortable
d) Action: Get on with something you were doing and when he calls be aware that he has had a busy day
Do you see the difference? The first is a horrible vicious circle that makes you worse, whereas the second is a positive way that ends in you both being happier.
Easily said than done? Well, no - it's actually not. CBT equips you to be able to change your behaviour and, the brain is surprisingly good at adapting the way that it thinks and feels about something. Your state of mind is a product (is caused) by the way that you feel, it's not the other way around. You make yourself see the positive and you become a positive person.
Good luck whatever you decide to do, know that just because you have these problems now, it doesn't mean it will be forever. Stick in there, stay hopeful and I am sure things will work out for the best.
A
female
reader, uniquebeauty4life +, writes (15 August 2006):
 I do not think this is love at all, i think its due to loneliness, do u have many friends? I'm thinking not cos i broke up with my bf 2months ago and at the begining of the relationship, i too was like you, thought i loved him, couldn't bare to be away from him but as soon as the suituation was reversed, i realised that i had been terribly afraid of been alone and thought no one would want me if i broke up with him,but still i couldn't bring myself to leave him cos of my unstability but eventually i did and guess wot, i have since been asked out by 4 different guys and i am not boasting but it felt good to know that someone still wanted me. My advice is to take a break from him, sort out exactly what you're feeling, during that break, if he keeps calling you and you truly welcome his voice and do not feel pressured and frustrated at him, then you can say you truly love him and then talk to him about your insecurities. I hopei have been of some help.
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