A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents aren't divorced,I have always lived with them but I was raised by my grandmother therefore I don't have a good relationship with my parents,I'm not close to them.I know my mother loves me but I think my father doesn't love me because he is not an affectionate dad.He never hugs and never kisses me.He is a cold person,when I hug him he doesn't hug me back.The more I age the less affectionate he gets and it's weird I don't know why he does this,it's not because I'm 16 years old that I don't need my dad's affection.I remenber that when I was a child he used to hug me.Well,maybe he is not affectionate because he is shy.Me and my dad don't talk much to each other,whenever I'm alone with him there will be a deep silence.It seems that I don't need him for anything,whenever I have a problem,when I'm needing money or when I have to ask for permission to someone I ask for my mother because in my house both of my parents work but my mother makes more money than my father and also she is the boss here in my house everybody have to obey her.However,she is a tyrant.One of the things that makes me angry at my parents is that my father does everything that my mother orders,it's weird I've never seen a husband being so obedient to his wife but I've seen the opposite.In our society it's not normal to a husband always obey his wife.He acts like he really loves her,they have been married for a long time and they get along very well and for me this is weird too because I always see couples getting divoced including my friends' parents therefore I feel that my parents' relationsip is not normal.My dad is obedient to my mother and he always say that he thinks that mothers are sacred because they are the bearers of life,they are the ones that give birth and therefore they deserve to be highly respected.Whenever I'm shouting at my mum or when we are fighting my dad intrudes himfelf in the fight to defend my mum and to make me stop cursing her.My dad was abandoned by his father and by his mother and maybe is because of that that he is clingy to my mum.I think my dad has a mother complex.I''m sure he has a mother complex!!I'm serious,believe me: My dad loves my mother more than he loves his daughters!Yes,he does! I don't know what to do.Have you ever seen a dad who loves the wife(the mother of his daughters) more than he loves his daughters?Have you ever seen a husband who treat his wife so well?My family is not a normal family!! Help!
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divorce, grandmother, money, shy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): I was reading an article about social factors and changes in the role of the Brazilian family- it states that "since the end of the twentieth century, the woman continues to run the house and care for the children and her husband. Mothers continue to be given license to exert strict control over their families." (Of course this doesn't apply to all families.)
Getting back to your post- your father may feel "less than" compared to your mom so that is why he goes along with her. She is the leader/ruler since she makes more money, is authoritative, and so on. I think that since your father lost his parents, he wants you to appreciate your mom and him. I'm sure he loves you and your sister- he probably gets so upset because he wants you to appreciate something he never had growing up.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 Generally speaking but with exceptions, it does not mean that in every family ,the man wears the pants.
Your mom comes from a domineering family and she learns from her family .
It is wrong to fight with your mom. As a child you should not be going against your parents. You should obey them and you should not behave like a brat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhenever I star a fight with my mum my dad gets very angry at me to the point that he would hit me if I keep the fight going on and once he hit me just because I had started a fight with my mum.
In brazilian culture women don't hold the reigns.
Brazilian culture is still very macho,men rules here.
It's not normal to the husband to be obedient to his wife in brazilian families.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't have the oedipus complex but I'm sure that my father has a mother complex because of the way he acts towards my mother and because he was abandoned by his parents when he was a child.
My father thinks that mothers are sacred because they are the bearers of life,they are the ones that give birth and therefore they deserve to be highly respected.is it normal to think like this?
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (12 April 2010):
There are many families like yours where the mother is the Queen and holds all the powers. She is the dominant partner and the husbands are passive and submits to them.
I don't think there is anything abnormal or wrong about that because it happens in certain cultures where the women holds the reigns.
You have to accept that your dad is this way and there is nothing you can change about him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 What you are saying is that divorce and mistreatment of women are the norm. I feel sorry for the majority of couples who feels it's okay to stay in an unhappy marriage because it's so common.
You are jealous of the attention that your dad gives to your mom. That does not give you the right to judge them as not normal.
Your dad has a submissive personality and your mom has a dominant personality. They complement each other and is happy with this arragement. Families where the mother is the breadwinner and the boss are becoming more common. If your dad has a mother complex, then you have the oedipus complex, so be careful what words you are using. There are mothers who discourage their daughters to bond with their dads because their lives are empty and are afraid that once their daughters grow up and be independent their roles as mothers would come to an end. But this is not the case with your mother here. She works hard and keeps herself busy, she brings food to the table, you have to respect her. I do agree with you that it's necessary for parents to show affection. Have a day out with just you and your dad when your mom is busy. Then do the same with your mom. All you have been doing is assuming and I admire your ability to try to analyze at your young age. The love your parents have for each other is different from the love they have for you. Just because your dad defers his authority to your mom does not make him less of a man. You are becoming a woman so it may be awkward for him to hug you. Don't be afraid to speak up and express your feelings to your parents. Let them be. Focus on what they have done for you, not what they are lacking. A boyfriend should replace them for you need for affection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy dad is cold hearted,serious and rude,my mother is authoritarian,strict and aggressive I think that's why they get along so well.
My father always pressure me and my sister to be like our mother.
My dad thinks that my mother is so pefect.
All the people that live in my house are under my mother's rule:me,my sister,my grandmother and my dad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): Your family sounds more matriarchal, meaning that your mom rules the household. There is nothing wrong with that, it's just the way some families are. My family is similar to yours. My dad was very passive and quiet. During arguments he would also side with my mom. I knew that even though he never said it, he was very proud of me. Your dad might have issues stemming from his being abandoned, which might make him have problems getting close to people. I'm sure he loves you very much. He sides with your mom because they are still authority figures and want to make sure you are protected from the world. (ie: You're still their baby to them, even though you are 16.)
What I did with my dad was instead of thinking about the awkward silences that were there when we were together, I learned to find them to be peaceful. He would read the newspaper and I would read a magazine. It's still spending time together, even though no one is talking.
Try to give your parents a break. They love you and support you very much. Your household may not be like your friends or that on television or movies, but you have two loving parents- many out there don't have that so consider yourself lucky.
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