A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, This is sort of on behalf of my flatmate. I'm really worried about her and her relationship. She's 21 and leaving uni this year, and for the past 4 years on and off, has been with her boyfriend who treats her like a doormate. They went to different uni but meet up every weekend without fail. Most people think that they have done well to manage a long distance relationship the whole 3 years their been apart, but what they don't know is that he's constantly cheating on her whenever their not together, and he's even admitted this to her as well as to having a "uni" girlfriend. Because he's the only boyfriend she's ever had, she won't leave him, and says that he loves her and not the other girl. The effect its having on my friend is clear, she's lost weight, she's stopped going out, and is getting behide with her work. The only time she'll make an effort with her appearance is when she knows he's coming to visit, or she's going to see him. I'm worried that he's managed to convince her that she's not worth anything, as he is always commenting on what she's wearing, and even told her to cut her hair after a year's worth of going because he didn't like it. She's falling apart in front of my eyes but i don't know what i can do to help her without losing her. She has always put up a barrier to her personal life and feelings, and has only just let me into her life in this way.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, elnino3 +, writes (13 April 2009):
You are obviously concerned for you friend and so would i be in your position. It is a bad situation for the girl in question as she is not functioning properly in life as you have mentioned. It seems from what you said her self worth is attached to this boy, what he thinks of her and what he says to her. Both this fact and also that she has just let you into her personal life makes the situation very delicate. The plan of action should be to try to involve her in things with you, get to know her better and become a trusted part of her world (similar advice to the anonymous reader). However you CANNOT become part of her life by by bringing up the boy in question during conversations out of the blue. You need to establish a trusting relationship with her first otherwise she will reject you opinion straight away, at the moment only her and the boys opinion matter. You need to just have conversations about nothing and anything, preferably ones that she brings up first so that she is leading the interaction-otherwise she may feel like you have ulterior motives or you can come across as being false. As well as this get her out doing different activities, such as the things she used to enjoy before she met her bf. If you are there during these activities then she will trust you even more. This first step- (A) builds trust and rapport (B) means she has a support network if she chooses to finish with her boyfriend.When you feel it is right to move on to dealing with the boyfriend you need to first find out how she feels out about the relationship, unfortunately even though you may see things that she doesn't notice (losing weight, not going out) you cannot force you opinion onto her. You need her to develop self-awareness of the situation. For example if she were to mention to you that her boyfriend is coming to see her ask if she is excited or nervous? depending on her response you can probe further? If she is excited ask her what she is looking forward to. if she is nervous ask why? The aim of these questions are to develop an understanding of her thought processes. Thus enabling you to try and develop her into seeing that she may be basing her whole week around her boyfriend and the fact that this is unhealthy. Losing her boyfriend could be devastating at the moment.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): What a lovely friend you are to her. What I don't undertsand is why he keeps coming back every weekend to see her when he could dump her and be with this other woman. Maybe he does love her? She needs a harsh wake up call about what he is like though and you need to make her realize she is worth much more.Maybe this guy is the love of her life but she needs to test that and dump him, if he comes back then he has to come back with no strings attached.All you can do is be there for her and if your gut instinct is for her to dump him, then say so.
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