A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This has been a very big problem for a while.My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years on and off. We haven't had sex yet and my boyfriend would break up with me every year or so because of it (before he matured). Now, he is supportive and patient. He says he loves me and that I'm the only one for him. We haven't had a break up for quite a while, and I'm quite happy!Unfortunately, whenever we try to have sex, I always get scared. I get VERY tense whenever the mention of something going inside my vagina. I'm okay with everything else except penetration. My boyfriend is quite hurt by this since sex is very important to him, but he's willing to wait till I'm ready. He does get frustrated once in a while, but that's normal. I'm also quite hurt because I feel really bad and I can't seem to make my boyfriend or me happy because of this problem. I know that I really do love my boyfriend quite a lot, but I'm not sure what's stopping me. I've been to a few therapy sessions with my boyfriend, but we stopped for quite a while since we lacked the funds to go. They've helped a little.Also, my late mother was really against sex before marriage. She said she would kick me out of the house if I ever gotten pregnant before being married and that she wouldn't be the grandmother of my child. She frowned upon it especially when I started dating my current. She never really liked my current boyfriend possibly because she's afraid of losing me. Also, I have a few friends that want to use me as a booty call. My boyfriend thinks that these friends are killing my self worth and confidence and that by me staying a virgin, I prove them wrong (meaning I'm not as easy as they think I am).Please help us. We want to do whatever it takes to fix this problem of ours.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 When you do finally have sex, it will be so incredible that you'll wonder what took you so long. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy for waiting for you, and 5 years is a very long time to wait! Most people get married well before the 5 year mark, especially those who wait until marriage.
The thing you're scared of is a very natural thing. If sex were horrible and scary, the world's population would die off because no woman would let a guy near her.
But apart from the sex thing, you should be getting pap smears from your doctor or OB/GYN for health reasons! When you go to the Dr, you might want them to take care of your hymen at the Dr's office, because that's the only possible source of uncomfortability in your very first sex experience.
Your first time sex will be profound in the best way, and everything will feel perfectly natural. It won't feel like some foreign object or something of that nature.
It's good you've been in counselling. Your mom sounds like she is very rigid, and her protecting you might have worked too well.
You're 18-21. You don't need to have sex if you don't want to, especially if you don't believe in sex before marriage. If it's because of fear and you want to, I hope you face this fear, because it's like fear of sunshine, or ice cream, or shoulder massages, or raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. Sex will become one of your favorite things once you unlock yourself.
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