A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 15+ years. I have two step-children, one of whom lives with us (20 years old). I hate to do it, but I have a laundry list of things that have been bothering me.... I am feeling very worn out of late. My wife has no interest in sex and hasn't been interested in the past 5 - 7 years (menopause). She has seen a doctor about it, but has been unable to get any help. Maybe once or twice a year at best and the few times we have done it, I will say it is very unsatisfying as she is obviously insecure about her body and she is in extreme discomfort from intercourse. I'll get manually stimulated once in a while by her, but again, not satisfying at all and she does it mostly out of obligation and resignation. It's not about lovemaking, but getting me off so she can go to bed.Her children are pretty much awful to me. The one that lives with us, refuses to talk to me despite me supporting him. Her daughter who lives elsewhere has literally stolen thousands of dollars from us (and therefore me) with my wife doing absolutely nothing. Her daughter (22 year old) continues to have financial problems and as a result her mother sends hundreds if not a thousand bucks a month to her to pay for her bar tabs and clothes.I make the lion's share of money and really feel like I am getting the short end of the deal. I really don't feel like I have any say in how things are done and if she does ask for my opinion and it doesn't match hers, she goes and does it anyways. I recently relocated to a different state for a job and had 3 months on my own and despite some loneliness, I felt alive and free again. Recently, our old house sold, and we are back together again and I feel the oppressing weight on me again.I like her company and we are good friends, and I am free to do as I will for the most part. My life is pretty easy. We don't argue much (because I don't put up a fight and haven't in the 17 years we've known each other) but at the end of the day I sometimes wonder if I would be better suited with someone else or even with no one.I am not sure I have the courage to do anything due to religious / moral convictions. Also, I have a large nest egg which I would hate to lose if I did decide to bail. Hopefully someone can offer me some advice on what I could do as I continually feel like I am settling or giving up on myself.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Have you tried couple's counseling? You don't want to throw away a long term marriage without giving it all you have got. A therapist will also help you navigate the sticky issues with your stepchildren and sex. You deserve to have physical affection from your wife.
Do you go out of your way though to make her feel sexy? There is an old saying that applies. Men need sex to feel loved and woman need love to feel sexy. Try and woo her. Bring her flowers, give her a massage just because. With no expectation. Take her out for a romantic meal. Compliment her. This may sound cliche but it sounds like the romance is going out of your marriage. If one person makes changes in a relationship for the better the relationship will change.
There are some great books out there that will help you too. Try to treat her like you did at the beginning. But I would bring up the issues with the children in therapy. She should not be giving money to the kids without consulting you.
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