A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:At the outset, I just want to say that I'm in a lot of pain right now, so please don't add to it by being judgmental. I'm already juding myself pretty badly.To sum up my situation: Married 7 years with one child. Marriage was arranged (from a culture that still practices arranged marriages). Husband and I never had any compatibility. He made it plain that he married me only because his relatives put a gun to his head and made him do it. Why? I have no idea. Anyway, our married life is completely ruined by his being emotionally cold and unavailable to me from the start. In my entire married life, I've had sex a total of seven times - one for each year we've been married. Obligate sex, so to speak. Unfortunately, we managed to bring a child into this unholy mess. I am now at the point that I don't even TRY to get his attention anymore. Why ask for more rejection?Anyway, after years of crying myself to sleep and believing that I was drop dead UGLY (or why else would my lawfully wedded husband have to force himself to bed once a year with me?) I finally met someone who gave me some much needed attention. He's extremely good looking, very intelligent, well read, mature, caring... and yes, he's married, too. Apparently, very happily married (if all accounts are to be believed). In fact, he and his wife are trying to have a baby now. He and I are in a professional relationship and see each other 2 X a week. I can't tell you how MUCH I look f/w to these meetings, even though I pretend that I don't. The emotion I'm experiencing when he's around just eats me up from the inside. I have NEVER felt this way with ANYONE before.I'm doomed. Not only am I very unhappily married (with no way out except death), but I'm also infatuated with someone who is also unavailable. In addition, I am pretty sure that if he finds out that I have these feelings for him that he'd be angry. He knows that I have a husband and a child, but nothing else. He seems to have observed me enough to comment that I have very low self-esteem (very true), and I am sure that he would just go ballistic if he found out what I feel for him, thinking "Gee, I gave her SOME attention and now she's got a crush on me!" and would just revert back to the purely professional relationship mode. Moreover, he's used to having women moon over him. I've heard from other women that he's quite a hit with the ladies and that there are at least a couple each year that have the 'hots' for him. I'll just be another statistic to him, anyway.I don't know - part of me thinks that I should just cut him off cold turkey. Be professional, be sincere, but GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS and act like an adult. I am feeling suicidal now. I've wanted to kill myself many times before - when my husband repeatedly rejected me and I couldn't even leave him - but these feelings of depression have intensified over the past couple of months and I am really wanting to die. He's ALWAYS in my head these days. Many mornings I wake up wondering if that day would be my 'lucky day' - maybe a truck would obligingly run over me - but nope. Every day, I'm still here.Help!
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female
reader, wiz  +, writes (10 April 2007):
Hi there, I was so upset to read your posting. What a nightmare situation to be in. I am a journalist who is researching a feature on arranged marriage, on both the positives and negatives. The terribly sad thing is that your situation seems to be such a typical one... Trapped in a loveless marriage, with a child and fighting feelings of utter hopelessness.But please don't lose hope. There is always an answer to your problems - and you must continue to fight for the sake of your child. There is light at the end of the tunnel... you just need to keep going until you get there. My only advice would be - don't throw away the friendship you have with your colleague... He is probably speaking to you as a friend. And even if he does have feelings for you, it is unlikely he can/ will act upon them. Keep him at a distance, as a friend. Anyway, friendship is always the best base for any relationship. So if it is going to happen (which I imagine it won't - reaistically) it can - further down the line. But, for now, don't risk bringing your personal problems into a work environment.
A
female
reader, ingotblue +, writes (7 April 2007):
 I am so sorry you feel that there is no way out, there are always ways of getting things sorted that are much prefferable to death.The only thing I can think of is there some one you can talk to, a councellor, a friend, someone that would be confidential?I know divorces are fround upon but there must be away to get you out of your situation.You are the only person that can change anything and you can do it with the help of friends.
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