| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Hey again. I need some advice and some help. I hope I don’t go overboard. I've written and asked questions before and found this website to be amazing, I've seen the advice that everybody gives and the amazing part is that the person that is "given the advice" tells the honest truth, but stands by the person’s side. This is my first time talking openly bout my situation, and I know I'm not the only one. I'm so glad that I have found a place where I can be myself and not be judged.Ok, this is my story. I'm in a relationship with another guy. Our relationship is amazing, we have so much in common. We are basically the same age, (22-25) and we love each other very much. I hate the fact that when people and society think of "gay men" they automatically think of any sexually transmitted illnesses, they think of drama queens or "fairies" and men that want to be women dressed in women’s clothing, and just in general acting more feminine than an actual woman. I am not against that, but for example myself and my partner we are two guys who love each other dearly. Hell, if I could marry him tomorrow I most definitely would. We are just two ordinary guys who happen to be of the same sex, and who happen to love each other more than life itself. I feel as though the younger generation will be more open to this kind of gay/lesbian relationship. but my problem is now. I come from a Latin family, who strictly believes that a man must have his woman, and his nest of kids. My partner’s family have some members who are gay and they are "used to the idea". Who knows? Maybe there is one on my side, but what if I'm the first? I'm afraid to tell my parents who I really am. I don't want them to think of me differently because of my sexual choices. Neither family knows of our relationship and my partner is "not Latin", hence my other problem with my family trying to maintain the strong, straight ties. I know that my family will be hurt, I know for a fact that they will never look at me in the same way, and that kills me because I don't want to be the social outcast and labelled as the "bad sheep" or shall I say, "the gay sheep". Why can people not be accepting to choices? Why can't society just accept it and let it be and not judge anyone on that? I know that I'm going overboard, but I'm frustrated coz I don’t know what to do. He is in another country and he will be coming back home soon, and he has told me that he's coming back home to me, and to be with me, and nothing else. I don’t go out much. I try to do so, so that when he comes back and I go out more often with him, or "friends", but then comes my parents’ "highly overprotectiveness" comes into effect. They are very protective and to go out is just an impossible mission. For example, if I go out tonight with "group a" of friends, then two nights after "group b" invites me, they don’t like it. I obviously want to go out and have a social life and friends, they ask why can’t I see them all in one time invite them ALL and that’s it?? I hate that, I've tried talking to them, but that’s where they don’t understand - for some reason - maybe its a parent thing? If I go out more often they'll get very suspicious,and they'll know that I’m up to something. They have even told me, that I shouldn't say yes to all my friends because I must show that I’m busy or that I don’t have time. That’s rubbish. I have been giving my friends excuses for so many times that I've lost count, and I can’t take it anymore. When I come home from work I eat, sleep. If I go out, I'm in trouble. When I go out and come back slightly late, I get told how this is affecting my parents’ health. When my partner comes back, I want the freedom to go out and be with him and not be restricted. He knows about my situation and he supports me. He gets annoyed because he sees the pressure that I’m under at work and at home and when I want time for myself I "get the long speech". I love him so much.My word, I've only noticed now how much I've written. I’m sorry but I need your help. Please can anyone help? I hope I’m not the only one who feels this way.
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2005): Good Evening Again,I'm the guy from the "latin family". Thank You very much for your answer Bev, having someone out of my family giving some advice is great, and the fact that I'm not being judged makes me feel even more secure.I think I might as well apologise now, because this is quite long, but please bear with me.p /
p /
One thing that I can say is that I know, that my family do not suspect anything about me, perhaps im playing my cards very well. My family know, well "think they know" that my taste in women is simple and elegant, so im not the kind to go overboard,& drool when i see a woman in a swimsuit, yes they are beautiful, any women is, but the owner of my heart is a guy .I do things calmly and they know thats my style. I have many "girlfriends" ie. friends that are girls,and I do often talk about them, as friends, but there is nothing else going on. I do flirt with them in a "friendly, fun way" but not to an extent where I get them thinking that i'm after them, or to lead them on, i think thats my way of "covering up who i am", but i do know where to draw the line because i don't want to hurt anyone. p /
p /
I'm not one to have a line of fine ladies for each day of the week. I work very hard,&in my families eyes it looks like i don't have the time. Actually with their overprotective nature, there is little to no time to go out. My dad is hinting though that i must find a girl, but when i tell him that he must let me go out, he says sure, you must go, but when the invite comes, its sour faces all over the show,& they make me feel guilty for wanting freedom. when i address the issue, im told that this is affecting their health, and i always look like the ungreatful son for simply wanting to go out, and have fun. I am co-owner of the family business and when i go out, i get told that im neglecting the business, and when i come home late, ie 11pm-12am, i get asked how im gonna go to work? Now whats the point of having a business partner to swop days? all that pressure is on my shoulders. p /
They always say you must "save so that one day you can have "something"", yes i do agree, but to an extent, we do not know what tomorro hold for us. If i save up everything and i work very hard, "which i do", so that one day i can enjoy it? So when i reach my ripe old age, i have everything that i've ever wanted how am i going to enjoy it? if i get a powerful sports car at that age, only by mearly shifting gears, i'll disconnect my hip that i've had replaced several times before? haha, sorry. p /
I'm sorry once again, i have the tendancy to go over board but it is highly frustrating.p /
Yes i know that they want to protect us, but to what kind of an extent? to a point where you are afraid of your own shadow?p /
I know that im writing too much, please let me know if its too much because i know that you guys are very busy.p /
My older sibblings no longer live at home, they have married and obviously moved out,and one thing that i can say is that i have a little more freedom than they did because i'm trying to fight for it, they also had it very, very hard.so now im the only one at home, I feel that if i move out, and go live on my own, and if the "real me" is discovered, i'll be the reason if my parents/family fall apart-I hope you understand what im trying to say. I feel that if i leave, things will go down hill, I know thats not fair but i am conserned about them. They can look after themselves obviously but, I don't know how to explain it, my parents are not the kind to go out to "nice dinners together, or even alone, parties", they don't go out either, perhaps its the older generation but they are fairly young, but their ways of thinking are of "old school". To be honest, I have a fear that if I leave, my parents, my mom, will be affected badly. There are some parents that once all the kids have left home, they feel empty and i'm afraid that will happen, and the last thing that i want is for them to "fall apart" because of me and my "life". Im scared that they'll be so disappointed that their son is "different" and that it will be a disgrace if anybody where to find out about me, and that our family will be "labelled", believe me this happens in Latin families, if not in every nation. I don't know what to do. I'm as scared as hell, but at the end of the day, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner.p /
p /
If I were to get married to a woman and have kids, i'll be doing that for them, and like Aunt Agony(bev)said, i wont be truely happy. Maybe one day, I'll "believe" that i'm happy, because i went the expected route,but deep down in my heart, I know that my love and my heart will always belong to my partner.p /
Please I need some advice, I hope I'm not taking up too much of your time by reading this but please give me some advice. Your advice and help is greaty appreciated.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 August 2005):
 Hi dear,
I hope this answer doesn't sound pat, because it's not meant to be. I've read your story a couple of times and one solution keeps leaping to my fingertips.
Move out from your parents' house and start living your life the way you want to.
You're an adult man, in a committed relationship with a person you love very much. Why should you let your family's biased expectations continue to make you unhappy?
Leave the nest, date your lover, or move in and start your lives together. If your family don't like it, then you tell them "I'm sorry to hear you say that, because this is the person that I am. You've always taught me to make good choices in my life. I feel like I'm a better person with 'James' and together we're very happy."
I do appreciate that being Latin, there is going to be a strong cultural component in their thinking, so you're reluctant to "let them down" by showing that you aren't what that culture insists that you should be. But, hon, you're living a lie and being unhappy, when you could be embracing a love that's real. Decide what's more important for you: pretending to be one thing so that your family are happy, or being the way you are with a person you love and making yourself happy.
In the end, you're the one who has to get up and live your life every day, not your Dad or Mum or sisters and brothers.
Maybe it's too hard to come out to everyone and say "Hello, Family. I'm gay and this is my partner! Wheee!"
That's fair and perfectly understandable, but I think that continuing a charade that you're straight and that any minute now you're going to turn into Mr Macho, married and with 12 kids, is going to be impossible to maintain.
So, maybe you come out in stages. I suggest that, in the interests of making your own life as an adult, you get a flat of your own. You don't have to make a big statement of it, just do it. Then what goes on in your own home - parties with friends, social groups, loving your partner - is your business and no one else's.
I'm sure that your family aren't stupid. They'll have seen that you don't go out with many women. They'll have noticed that you don't ogle the "swimsuit issue" of Sports Illustrated. No doubt they've pretty much 'connected the dots' of your life already. It might not shock them as much as you think. When you're ready, you tell the family member most likely to support you. A close sibling, or a cousin, or someone else who you think won't be too judgemental. Then you can have that person be your moral support when you eventually tell your parents.
Whatever you decide to do, you have to realise that you're not a child any longer, and you can make your own desicions, whether or not your parents approve. Remember that it's your life, not theirs, and you deserve to be happy.
...............................
|
