A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Im at a real tipping point in my relationship and I seriously need some advice, I am aware that people will judge what I say and use this as a way to pass judgement rather than help someone who is reaching out.Ok so I am in my first year of university and just before comjng I broke off a year long and abuunhealthy firsthip. This ex was very peristant and I have no taken out a restraining order in order to stop the harassment. Anyway during this time when I had no friends, was in a new place and feeling vulnerable one of my new flatmates helped me out considerably and one thing led to another and we have been in a relationship for the past 6 months.But now ive reached a point where I don't know what to do. There is a friend from a society and I have always thought him very attractive but nothing more. Anyway for the past month I have been unable to stop obsessing about him and trust me i tried to stop thinking about him as i thought it only something unhealthy. So we had a formal for our society last night and he looked gorgeous. We were chatting as part of a group but noticed we were pretty much mainly talking to one another. So after a whole night of drinking and chatting I noticed it was getting a little flirty but still harmless and he asks to dance.By the end of the night we have really gpt to know eachother better and he offers to walk me home. As we are saying goodbye we hug and I kissed his cheek. I thought it was relatively harmless but he turns to kiss me. Later he texts me saying he has feelings for me and at first they werent so bad but have developed and he understands I am with someone but had to tell me and that he understands if I don't feel the same way and if I don't we will still be friends.I told him we should probably meet amd chat about it but he said he wanted to give it some time. Anyway we met with our society today and after he gave me a lift back to my flat on his bike and nothing was said. It was as if it hadnt happened but we were somehow closer.Anyway the reason I need advice is because I don't know what to do about this guy. I am very attracted to him and think I may have feelings for him to. However I don't know if im just infatuated or if it is real. I am also doubting my relationship as not love but more we were at the right place at the right time. I don't want to hurt anyone but I understand this is very difficult in this situation. I fi could please have some advice on what I should dp, I know I have made mistakes but want to resolve this. Thank you especially if you try not to pass judgement, we all make mistakes.
View related questions:
flatmate, flirt, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): I'm a bit on the other side of the fence with this (i.e. I do believe that people are not that shallow, and that they are other things that attract us to one another...Though,ok,looks play a part,but imagine this- if you find out that this beautiful boy behaves in a horrible manner- say he is in one of those crazy, misogynistic societies on campus or that he is openly racist to someone, would you still like him?
He could be Brad Pitt in his 20s (my god :) :P ) and if he showed behaviour like the one mentioned above,I'd be repelled NO Matter how pretty/hot).
That said, even though I'm on the other side of the fence, the end result is the same: I do think you should break up with guy N.1.
Sure, it would suck,coz you still have to live together (though you can request a room change..between £70-£100 charge,depending on the uni... BUT it will be tough if you still don't have stable friend groups as you need to move all of your stuff).
It's an option though (in case things get very bad).
even if it does not work out with guy N2-you're not at uni to meet the love of your life. Sure,many people do. Even read statistics somewhere that 50% of marriages nowadays are formed by uni couple, followed by work place /on-line meetings . Don't know how/ if those changed since I read them a couple of years ago,but you get the drift.
yet, just as many separate...
So do NOT waste your time on a serious relationship whilst at uni- use that precious time to make lifelong FRIENDS.
Boyfriends come and go-if the right one comes along, you'll know it, you won't be asking us. You'll just know.
PLUS, if you are LUSTING after other men after ONLY 6 months imagine what it will be like after a year? Leave the dude, experiment and find out what you like (in bed and in men)-it's your time for discovery :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 I don't think anybody here will be able to tell you 100% for sure if it is infatuation or true love. If I should bet, I'd vote for infatuation :), why ? well, because you are, what, only 18 ? 19 ? , not saying that all young girls are fickle ,of course, but ,that at your age somehow EVERY new love feels like everlasting is a known fact. Then, you sound like a romantic girl- and a bit lonely too. Lastly, you seem very smitten with his physical aspect , attractive and gorgeous ( not that there's anything wrong with that. Senses reclaim their share in a relationship , I do not much believe in mergings of pure spirits ).
But that of course is just a hunch I have, I have no scientific method to assess from a distance, and for other people, if it is love or a passing fancy.
So, what do you do ?... You do the right thing, i.e. : you do not cheat.
Yes, I think you are right about your current relationship, probably it is born just by you two being at the right place at the right time. It does not really sound as if you are in love, more as if you needed comfort and companionship after your bad relationship. Plus, if you were in love with the current guy, ... you would not be falling in love with someone else !
So either you are brave , call it quits with the current bf- knowing it may pan out with the new guy , or not ; the point would be not so much to snatch yourself a new bf ( if that happens, great ! )- but to give yourself the time and freedom to experience more fulfilling relationships than you have now. Or, a happy singlehood, who knows. Being with a guy - and being obsessed by a thought of another one... mhhh, not a great sign for your future with guy No.1 and not very ethical toward him, even in luck of a physical betrayal. He deserves someone who is really into him; how would YOU know that the guy you are dating is nice to you and all, BUT he thinks all the time about another woman ?!
Or, you aren't very brave... and ask for a break. And note that I hate the very concept of breaks, I think in general they are silly, pointless and coward . But, I guess in your case you may need, and use, one in good faith- to think over things well, process at a deeper level your feelings and emotions, and also see ( platonically please:) , we said no cheating, so no kisses ) this other guy , the one you are obsessed with, to find out if beyond his charm and his looks, and the flattering attention he gives you, there's substance, and a compatibility that could make you happier than you are now.
...............................
|
