A
female
age
22-25,
*oko.inspired
writes:Hey, I'm in a frustrating situation right now. I am a legal adult and I want to become independent and learn how to handle school and work at the same time; however, my mom is dead set against it (even though she helped me apply for a job at Publix when I was 16 years old).So recently, I've been told I can get a job easily by calling my dad's friend (this person is a manager). I told my mom the news and she told me that she doesn't want me to get the job (more like she is not allowing me). She told me that I should focus on school and get my grades up, especially since I'm a junior in a medical academy that my high school offers. I understand her reasons; however, that isn't the frustrating part of the situation. My mom won't let me learn (in other words) the hard way; she won't allow me to learn how the adult life is really like, and I would really like to experience that before I leave the house. She doesn't understand that I want her to help me in the transition into the adult world while I'm still living with her and my step-dad. I want to become independent and earn my own money, so I can stop being a burden to them. As of right now, I'm always staying at home and I don't have a license to drive, but in my mom's words "[I] have a car". Here's the thing, she didn't fix "my" car yet, nor does she want to practice driving with me in her car because she doesn't trust me (when I took drivers ed). This is what pisses me off the most: my dad (a mechanic) offered to fix my car for free and my mom and step-dad declined (legally, the car is in my mom's name). It would be much faster to let my dad fix the car and it would save them both money. They explained why they said no, but I still don't understand. Not to mention, they fight a lot about money, so by the time I graduate, I want to move out.Being in the medical academy cost money every year, especially since I want to take an EMT class for my senior year. The class will have to be paid for and I don't have money to pay for it nor start saving for it. I don't trust my mom to have the money by the end of the year since she never keeps her word and left me hanging every time I trusted her with something (whether it be a ride or money related). By taking the EMT class, I will be certified as an EMT before I graduate high school, which will save me a lot of money by the time I'm in college (which, she isn't paying for at all because my parents don't have money). I plan to join the military to cover the cost of college.I need advice. Should I even take the job? What do I do about the car situation? Oh, my mom doesn't let me speak my mind most of the time and when I do get a word in, she just repeats her reasons for me to do/ not do something.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 December 2017):
 You say you almost wish that your mother would let you learn the hard way. But I wonder if she did this would you then see how lucky you are? I get that you are at an age now where you want to be an adult and make your own choices and you have the right to do that. However you are still living under your mothers roof. If you want to be treated like an adult then maybe you should get your own place and am sure people will begin to treat you different. However am not sure a part time job would cover all your bills ect. The car you call your own is legally your mothers so there is nothing that you can do there accept for buy your own car from your own money.
You should be able to have a job if you want so I can see why you feel the pressure there, the best thing to do is sit and talk to your mother like an adult. It does sound like she has your best interests at heart. Take smaller steps to becoming more independent starting with laundry.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 November 2017):
 The military is strict, but ONLY up to a point. If you mom think it's going to be like you joining a nunnery she is VERY mistaken.
Learn the little things at home that you can. Laundry etc. Help out around the house. If you want to BE an adult - act like one. If you know what I mean. No one will do your laundry in the military. THAT will be on you.
Air Force seems like a good choice (if you ask me) of all the branches.
If you only have 1 1/2 year left of HS, I'd focus on your grades and studies. Because those are what can help YOU. There is always summer jobs (unless you are taking classes over summer). don't try and cram everything in with school and job. TRUST me, there will be time for it all.
I think your mom feels she is doing you a favor and keeping you safe. She might be having a bit of a hard time realizing you will be out of the house soon.
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A
female
reader, koko.inspired +, writes (25 November 2017):
koko.inspired is verified as being by the original poster of the question First of all, thanks for replying! I really need some advice right now. As for the job, I can choose any place I want, and so it happens that I live near the workplace and can walk to work. My best choice right now is to do part-time.
As for the military, I've always been interested in going to the Air Force since 10th grade. If I was interested in the army, then I could join by my senior year and still study at school. I want to become either a combat medic or a family physician. I just took the ASVAB recently and will be getting my scores shortly. My grades are fine right now....I just can't let it go lower than what it currently is. I only have this year and my senior year left. I only hope I survive.
One of my problems is with my step-dad; he kind of agrees with her....they're both old-fashioned in a way(I kind of understand where they're coming from, in a way). It feels like I could only leave the house if I (1) marry someone or (2) go into the military. My mom doesn't want me to go to an out of state college, but the only reason that she's letting me join the military at all is that they're strict in the way when it comes to living and other stuff. She says that she doesn't trust the people at normal colleges, yet I get the feeling she doesn't trust me. She won't even allow me to be in a dorm (and admitted to throwing away letters from good colleges, mostly out of state, so I won't see them).
My real dad helps me, but only if I ask. I told him my problem and he says that he'll talk to his friend about getting me the job after I called, which is good, but we're not really close. I'm closer to my mom though. She does everything for me! Even laundry, so I know I'm screwed once I move out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2017):
I think your mom isn't ready for you to be an adult yet. If she and her husband are fighting about money and the marriage is in a bit of trouble, it IS easier for her to focus on you instead of her marriage.
Also, if SHE worked when she was your age as well as did school she might want you to NOT feel the burden and responsibility of having a job as school IS a fulltime job these days.
My advice GET your gade up as high as you can go, that way you can look into scholarships as well. Joining the military JUST to get a degree is common but shouldn't be your ONLY option you have in mind. You CAN (however get MASSIVE experience going the military route if you want to continue in the medical/ETM/Medic/combat medic line of work which is ALL good for work in the "civilian" world as well. AND... by joining the military... well, you will "get away" from your mom and be allowed to grow.
How long do you have to go before you are done with High School?
Can you GET to and from work without your mom driving you? If not... well, I can see why she is also not so keen on you working because it makes "extra" work for her being the chauffeur.
If you are over 18 and your grades are good then I don't see the issue with you working, but I am NOT your mom. Maybe talk to your dad and/or stepdad and perhaps they can help you in HOW to bring it up with your mom. BUT as it stands... YOU are living under your MOM'S roof and well, her house HER rules.
It kind of seems like she doesn't want your DAD to be helping with ANYTHING - be it the car or getting you a job. Why she feels that way? Who knows.
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