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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ive been having the same sort of argument with my bf for a number of months now and its basically due to the lack of sex. Whenever I mention we are not having enough sex he gets all defensive. I wouldnt mind but we are only having sex once maybe twice a month. He is not cheating, he has no problems with erections and i know he still loves me very much, he says he fancies me and wants me more than ever, just doesnt see the need for sex all the time. We are very much in love have been for 4 years everything else is great we love,laugh,cry together, share the same passions, its just the sex. We used to have sex morning noon and night and when we do its great we are very intune its just we are not having as much sex as we used to, i know this happens to couples but i have tried to make him realsie that its not enough for me id like sex more than once a month and he doesnt get it... more regular sex to me means a lot. he claims that he has a normal sex drive and i know this to be true, its just almost like hes got lazy.. We kiss and cuddle all the time and do alot for each other this is why this hurts, its got to the stage where im now feeling undesired and unattractive because i feel the guy i love should want to make love with me without me nagging him. So im now in a viscous circle, he hates the nagging,(makes him not want sex) i hate the lack of sex,and then i complain when things slack off again... how can i get it back ? Ive done the underwear thing, the porn thing, the lets go to bed early, you name it, but he still claims there isnt a problem and im making one, and that we have each other and love each other so how can how much sex we have make us more in love. Ive talked at length about how i dont see why we cant have more of a sex life and things change for a bit, then go back to lack of, so surely there is a problem if we are not having sex, im getting where im so upset about it hes making me cross to look at him. Almost to the point of how dare he think things are okay just because he is... the odd thing is that he is the most sensitive caring lover a girl could ask for and just prosists that we are more than sex, yes i know that, but how do i get some middle ground ? Ive written yet another email to him today, to ask that we talk and he didnt reply, so now things will feel awkward as he will be in sulk cos i nagged and im in a sulk cos he insists there isnt a problem. How can i get my otherwise wonderful partner to enjoy our sex life to the fullest extent once again ? Once we get started things are awesome, its just so few and far between..Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): During the first year of our relationship, my boyfriend and I had great sex all the time. Now, almost four years later, sex has dwindled down to about once a month.(It is still great when we have it.) He is with me all the time so I know there isn't another woman. He tells me that he's tired (he's a sluggish kind of guy) and that he doesn't have a high sex drive at this time due to work pressures and fatigue.
I know it doesn't help to nag our partner. But what's a woman to do? Even though my boyfriend assures me that he is attracted to me, his lack of sexual interest makes me feel unwanted and undesirable. Now, for the first time, I've been daydreaming about other men and even keeping my eyes open to other possiblities. I respect myself too much to carry out my daydreams, but the prospect of another man is tempting for me, both physically and emotionally.
I've tried many times to communicate my feelings and needs to my boyfriend--even to the point of almost humiliating myself. Sadly, no matter how sensitive I try to be when sharing my feelings with him, he gets defensive and does not realize the severity of the situation.
I feel that if I break up with my boyfriend, he'll regret losing me. Or, maybe I'm wrong and he simply doesn't care.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
A
female
reader, mary t  +, writes (6 February 2007):
I too know how you feel. I met my partner just over six months ago. He is the most loving man, perfect in everyway. He tells me he loves me all of the time but we only make love about every fortnight.
He is divorced like myself, he says the main reason he left his wife was because of lack of sex. He went off to live with a woman 15 years younger than himself. They were together 7 years. I feel that it is strange that he doesnt want sex more often. I love him to bits and am afraid that I am not good enough for him after his last lover. He kicked her out for cheating on him many times.
I have spoken to him about this but he tells me that he is just tired, he does work long 12 hour shifts.
Whats unromantic about it is when he does have sex he says to me " waiting for you, because ive taken my pants off in bed for you". This makes me feel like he is doing me a favour. I just wish that he was more spontaneous.
I would like to know what other people think about the situation. I really do love him so much.
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A
female
reader, whatswrong +, writes (19 December 2006):
I am in the same suition but i have kind of solved it as when my boyfriend never wanted sex now he wants it all the time as i get him turned on as your sitting down or going to bed... so on i strip for him and whisper dirty things to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): iv had the same problem me and my boyfriend have sex but not much only once a month. we see each other nerly everyday but its reall anoying i said that and he got in a big agument with me but when i got ready for bed i jumped on him and talked dirty that made him feel horny and he then we had sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): sorry to read about your situation,cant your fella see that hes pushing you away, eventualy it will be into another mans bed, as much as you love each other sex is and has to be a priorty and if hes not willing to satisfy you then maybe you will have to start looking at your future without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): Can you recall when you had a lowered sex drive or less of an intrest in sex? What were the many factors that contributed to this lowered "sexual drive"?
Hey I would take it personally if the one I loved told me they were unhappy with the amount of sex...for a man this is next to declaring a death penalty. It would hurt the ego.
I think even a woman doesn't like it when their is a complaint lodged in the sexual department.
So approach...especially on this delicate topic...is crucial.
What are you willing to do to make your man feel special, worshipped, adored, loved, appreciated?
You may have to woo him all over again and give him cause to remember why he fell in love with you in the first place.
Time to do all you can to put a smile on his face and a bounce in his step.
No, this doesn't mean lingerie...but use it when appropriate.
What are his fantasies; doesn't mean sexual either. Maybe have a hot, favorite dinner waiting when he comes home from work and massage his feet and rub his back. Don't expect sex for a month or two of you pampering him and showing your thanks to a good man.
I am also going to suggest couple's counselling. Sometimes it takes a listening, supportive ear of an "outsider" to see his side more effectively than you can as you are caught up in your wants and needs.
Please see a counsellor. It could be he just does not have a compatible sex drive and then what?
Counselling.
Best Wishes and have a Wonderful Christmas Season with such a Loving Man.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): My second partner wasn't very highly sexed at all. He then moved into another bedroom which really made me feel rubbish. don't nag or go on because that will only make things worse. I know how you feel, i have been there. In the end we split up. There were other issues. I'm now with a great guy who doesn't need any come ons, which is great and there are no separate bedrooms. The decision is yours but i feel life is too short to go without sex.
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): i am in the same position myself. i have been with my partner for five years and i am very highly sexed up and he just isnt. he sayd theres nothing wrong with me but i am sick of trying ad it has now to the stage where i am just going off the idea completley.
i am only 21 and he is 24 and its just like i am going to have this until i finally leave him. he does have a slight problem down below and has had a while. he has been to the doctors and is waiting for scans. he says its due to him being in alot of pain so he cant do the dead but i am sick of waiting and i dont want to be in a relationship where there is no sex.
i understand what you're goign through but you need to ask yourself is he the man for you because if someone offers it to you that you care about something could happen outside the relationship due to it lacking with your partner.
thats what has happened to me, i havent done anything behind his back, i love him so much but i have had alot of attention from a person i know and he is crazy about me. and i thinking about leaving my partner if it carries on.
i cant be in a relationship when there is no sex. its not everythign but it helps and shows how you feel about one another.
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