A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedgirl187
writes:I have dated my boyfriend for about 8 months and both are 28. Our relationship had a very rocky and interesting beginning. We knew each other before from work so we both treaded carefully. I felt we never went through a honeymoon phase and was slow to start. I felt he wasn't committed and often thought to end the relationship. Since October 2015, however, we had a serious talk of whether we wanted this. Since then things have improved substantially. Now things on the most part are amazing and the time we spend together is fun and some days romantic. I have been cheated on before and I can be insecure. I never accused my boyfriend of cheating or stop him from doing anything. I have questioned him about one or two of his friends (girls) because I know they like him. A while back, I found out that he messaged other girls at the beginning of our relationship (first month we were official - 3 months after we started dating). The messages I saw, nothing was too inappropriate and one turned down an old girlfriend to hook up (just would be willing to go for dinner). He said that back then he would be more inclined to message unsolicited messages than now. I felt fine after the talk. However, I recently saw him texting a unnamed number. Part of me wants to ask if he still is answering unsolicited messages. The insecure part of me wants to check his phone. We recently have had a talk about our relationship. He said that he never was infatuated with me. He says he view the relationship as a slow fire which is gradually burning brighter. He also says he now considers me a big part of his life. We were talking about his best friend (girl) and He said he was not interested and even if he was he would not risk doing something with someone else because he sees the potential in us. I have been introduced to his friends, family and work friends. I truly trust that he would not actually do anything with anyone (physically). But inside me I feel like he may try to push the limits regarding texting/flirting with girls. I feel like he is insecure regarding feeling included/wanted/belonging. Yet the other part of me things that although he did do this at the beginning of the relationship, he wouldn't do it now. I'm just trying to determine if this is a relationship I want to stay in or not. I don't want to sell myself short.
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female
reader, Confusedgirl187 +, writes (12 January 2016):
Confusedgirl187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I want to clarify, that I find him extremely attractive both physically and mentally. We do romantic things together, he is thoughtful, he said he really missed me when I was on vacation. Initially, however, we did not do those things or spend a huge amount of time together. Now we do.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 January 2016):
 I truly believe passion is important in a relationship, otherwise it is settling and it would be a set up for flirting and texting outside relationships. Insecure people often get with other insecure people because they think they are less likely to leave each other. You seem to set the basic criteria as him not cheating or doing anything inappropriate. Still, it's a correct thing to want that in love feeling and question the lack of it. It's one thing to say he was never infatuated with you, like infatuation is a bad thing, a crush, one sided love that goes nowhere. It's another if he's actually not in love with you. You have to find out what he's really trying to say.
You have to understand that what creates passion is that both people are emotionally strong and confident. You want that passion, that romance but first you have to be that person who can trust, and who invites happiness in your life. A person who can be vulnerable, have positive thoughts about men and relationships can create more attraction than someone with past trust issues still lingering.
Ask him if he is in love with you, and get an honest answer. It's quick and scary, but that's what you need to know. It's good that a relationship can go slowly, but you still need that passion, the glue that makes sure nothing goes in between you. There are people in long and pointless relationships who wait for that spark, and it never happened. Don't let that be you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 Only you can answer if this relationship is good enough for you or not. You say he texted other girls at the beginning, which I guess is common enough when there are no true feelings between you both yet. But you need to be sure you are getting all you need from the relationship now. Ask yourself if you are truly happy with him and if you see yourself spending your life with him? If you are insecure then talk to a therapist about how to build up your trust in men.
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