A
female
age
41-50,
*ndrea2013
writes:Need some advice. I am doing this program where I don't have any contact with my ex for 30 days. I am on my 20th day of NC; Well I would've been on my 28 but I decided to extend it longer. My ex has been sending me random ex, like Do I don't exits anymore?.. you are unbelievable? are you okay?? you don't answer texts calls.. How can I be like that? ... I haven't answered any of those text. However, today she called me at work angry, let me say that we work for the same company but not directly together not even in the same building. She called angry about something about work but it was totally unnecessary for her to be screaming at me over the phone. I got a little upset, and I asked her: is this related to work?.. she said yes it's about this..blah, blah. Then she was like this is ^^^^ng ridiculous we need to communicate, we work together... . I said " I forgot, I will take care of it, I will send an e-mail and cc you on it... I tried to keep it cool 'cause she was angry and screaming over the phone. She had no rights to call me at work and scream like a crazy person saying "you've got to be ^^^^^ng kidding me"... I am a professional and I always keep my profession first.. Please give me some advice on how to handle this situation.. She texted me later threating me that she is going to tell our boss about our past which is totally unnecessary at this point. I completely ignore her; but I did e-mail our boss and cc her on the e-mail in regards to the issue at work. I have ignored her text but when it comes to work I haven't ignore her e-mails at all. She did e-mail me but I had a flat tired so I was late for work; I didn't see the e-mail only until I hanged the phone with her. I do know how to keep my personal life separate from work; obviously she can't. The way I see it none of her text were related to work; so I don't have to answer them. I don't want to get her in trouble and I won't bring up her unprofessional attitude with me over the phone but I feel like she wants to get me in trouble because she wants to bring our relationship to our boss. She is not by boss by the way; and we are actually on the same level; if anything I will be over her. This is very sensitive and it hurts; because she was my first female girlfriend I had and I have been going to therapy twice a week to deal with this issue. I am in the closet. If you know what I mean. I love her; and I wish we could be together; but why did she reacted in this way? How do I respond to this? HELP...
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 Getting together with someone at work tends to lead to these kinds of problems. You can't ignore someone you are meant to have a professional relationship with! You need to reply to her messages in a professional way, state you only want to discuss work matters. If things continue, talk to someone at work - not in a nasty way about your ex, but ask for advice and support. Relationship break ups are hard for both of you, she obviously misses you, this doesn't make her a bad person so try to handle it sensitively. :)
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (11 September 2013):
 Hi OP,
Did you tell your ex in advance that you were going No Contact, and why? Yes she should've got the hint by now, but maybe you need to spell that out to her.
You can do that in an email, saying, as politely as possible, that you wish to continue to be civil and professional with her at work but you find her personal communications, out side of work, unhelpful, and you didn't appreciate her getting verbally aggressive on the phone. You could ask her to keep all communication via email. And keep that email.
It's obvious that things are very much unresolved between you two. You've chosen to go NC (which, to me, is for ever rather than 30 days or 90 days or whatever); no, you don't have to respond to texts. You are trying to resolve things with your therapist, while she is stewing away. Did you ever sit down and talk with her about the reasons for the break up? Or is this meant to be a break/ space rather than a break up?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Well done on the 20 days no contact! Keep it up.Do not let her manipulate you like this. Sure, for work reasons you may have to be in contact, but remain professional like you have done.What you can do is send her an email, a very professional one stating that even though you had a relationship, it is over and you will not be going back for all the reasons stated when you broke up. In the email state that if she chooses to highlight this to Management/your bosses, it is childish and unprofessional but that if she chooses to do that, it only makes her less in your eyes and it won't manipulate you into taking her back out of fear or anything else. It will only make things worse for both of you!Then state that you will remain professional in your work dealings and you will ONLY have contact with her for work related matters. If she contacts you for anything else, you will not respond. Don't take the bait, don't enter into discussion, just end phone calls if she goes on about your relationship or anything non work related. The same with texts and emails. If they are work related, do what you need to, anything personal, cut it or don't respond.She will get the message eventually (hopefully). She probably knows you are a soft target in that you love her but can't be with her, so she is trying to force the issue. It won't work because only when you are ready to come out the closet and assume who you are and what you want to be and do, will she even have a chance. Her current actions, behaviour and attitude to you are only alienating her further.Good Luck to you, and hope you can come out the closet and be yourself, to find the peace and happiness you deserve.
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