A
female
age
41-50,
*rs0809
writes:We've been married for 3 months, been together for 3 and half years in total. We lived together for a year but I moved back in with my parents cos I hated his housemates. We got our own place and moved in a week before the wedding. For me the biggest problem is he is selfish, he never does anything round the house unless he's literally begged to. He never pays me any compliments or says or does anything to make me feel good about myself, he never takes me anywhere, he doesn't even do small things like make me a cup of tea, breakfast once in a while.We hardly ever have sex, he prefers to masturbate to porn in his little xbox room which is where he spends most of his life, when we do have sex he's all about himself and rarely makes any effort to please me and never gives me oral sex. I've spoken to him about it all til I'm blue in the face and he's not interested. He said the reason we hardly have sex is because he feels comfortable with me and doesn't want sex as much now, yet goes into his little room and has a w@nk every morning before going to work. I'm certain I've made a mistake, if I'm honest I think it's only been planning the wedding for the last 18 months that has kept us together this long. I foolishly thought once we had our own place that he would change and we'd have sex more often but I was wrong and I can't deal with the fact that he'd rather have a w@nk than come to bed and be with his wife. Sorry to be so blunt, I'm getting angry just thinking about the whole situation. I feel totally trapped. I feel like a total idiot and can't believe I was so blind to what he is a really like. I desperately want to leave but I'm scared about what friends, family and colleagues would think of me walking out on him after only 3 months of marriage. To top it off we work at the same company! I just want to run away and never come back.
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female
reader, Mrs0809 +, writes (7 February 2010):
Mrs0809 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so we're now 6 months down the line and things were getting better, or so I thought.We haven't had sex for 2 weeks, this is mainly my fault. I've started a very restrictive diet and I'm having some self esteem issues. I walked into his xbox room yesterday to ask him something and I noticed on the table a packing slip from an adult film site which had no less than 6 porn films on that he'd ordered and received, I confronted him and said "what is this?" and he said "oh. You weren't supposed to see that! haha" I saw red and stormed out and haven't spoken one word to him since, I slept in the spare room last night and have done nothing but cry all day. I feel broken. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. He doesn't even think he's done anything wrong, my self esteem is at an all time low and all I want from him is to show me he wants me. I feel empty. I don't know what to do.
A
female
reader, Mrs0809 +, writes (14 November 2009):
Mrs0809 is verified as being by the original poster of the question2
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): It's very possible that he's not into the relationship and wants out. BUT, masturbation an porn can also be an "addiction", especially if he suffers from low self esteem and performance anxiety. I once read an article that said the male sexuality is very fragile compared to the female sexuality. I didn't understand it at the time but it makes much more sense at my age (32). Are you being demanding and mean about it? Are you emasculating him about other things?I don't mean to throw the blame back at you, but maybe look at your own behaviour first. If you are a loving, kind woman then you should really consider getting out while you can. Porn and masturbation are VERY easy for a man. It's a release from everything because you are not in the real world for the time your are doing it. The fact that he has an xbox room tells me he looks for escape. Maybe you can help him through this by being understanding and helping him get out of his little "xbox/porn world", but if he isn't into trying to correct the problem (i.e. he doesn't want to talk about it) then you should probably move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): thank you all for your replies and thank you for not judging me.I'd just like to point out i know most men masturbate and watch porn and I don't have a problem with either my problem is that it's always his first option. I work shifts so every other week we get up at the same time so there'd be plenty of time to have a quickie but he's not interested, yet when i'm on earlies and have to leave 3 hours before him he goes and has a w@nk, i know this because i check the bin in his room...gross i know but this is what i've been driven too! I always know what i'm going to find and i get upset and feel rejected and by the time he gets home i can barely look at him or be nice to him. It's like we're still living apart, i understand when he was only seeing me at weekends of course he was going to take care of himself during the week but he's still doing it!He watches porn dvds and on his mobile, he hasn't touched the laptop since i discovered he'd been on this amateur porn site and went ballistic - he'd rather get himself off over looking at OTHER mens wives??? He used to have magazines but i asked him to get rid of them.And now i might sound like a hypocrite but i masturbate quite frequently too and he knows this but i don't do it instead of having sex with him and to be honest i haven't been able to climax recently because i've been so upset about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): It sounds like you are seriously considering leaving this marriage, but are afraid of what others will think.Who cares what they think? I would think they would feel you were more stupid for staying in a failed one-sided relationship than biting the bullet and moving on. Keep your head up high and get out while you can. Don't become complacent, because time will pass and nothing will change, other than you have gotten older and finding a new guy will be harder.Sorry, but your husband sounds like a dud. You need to find a guy who wants to spend time with you and loves you. A personal and emotional connection like that will lead to regular sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): I feel terrible for you. Consider yourself hugged.I dont like divorce, but its probably what your going to end up doing so why fight it.Its very strange that he would prefer masterbation over you. Have you tried taking to a counciller about it. He moight be a porn addict. I do watch porn sometimes, but truthfully not so much when im in a relationship.What I think you should do is try to have a frank discussion of what you want from him, listen to him and see if you both can comprimise on things.If that just isnt going to work, then place his belongig on the curbe and tell him not to bother coming back. Your family will understand
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (4 November 2009):
 I can absolutely empathise with your situation. I think the main thing to realise here is that you yourself seem to know in your heart that this relationship isn't what you hoped for and wanted and I am guessing from your post that you don't see yourself with this man in 20 or 30 years time (or even a years time) if all he's going to do is hang out in a room all day, play with himself and do his own thing. You're not alone, I can assure you of that, this situation is more than common, the next step is the path you choose to take because of it. You seem like you know that you don't want to be stuck in this relationship but you're staying at the moment because you don't want to look foolish having married a guy and gotten only 3 months in before feeling like you want to throttle him. I know the feeling sometimes, only our xbox room is a basement and he doesn't care about masturbation. Sometimes men get really stuck in their ways and when they're married they don't realise they have to be accomodating to their wife! They're not alone anymore, things need to work together - seriously, a cup of tea in the morning wouldn't hurt, would it!? I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice when I got married, things aren't as i'd like them to be and reading your post I identify with many of the feelings you express, but the difference is I grow to know my husband a little more every day and he does in his own way try to get a grip on living as a unit and not alone. Sex for many couples can become stale in marriage, even after a short time, but thats on both of you to spice it up a little or let it die. If there is simply no spark there, then why bother, thats what I keep telling myself. But there is only so long you can wait to see where that spark went. If you are truly unhappy, you shouldn't give a second thought to what other people around you think. It is your life to live how you see fit and there is no reason on earth why you shouldn't be making choices which suit and benefit you. I really hope you can see a way to resolve yoursituation and get back to being happy.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (4 November 2009):
 start spending more time out of the house and get some time appart. be with friends etc. also if your friends where any good they would tell you straight what they think, i dont beleive there is any harm in telling them what sort of trouble you are in with your marrage and asking their opinions, what the best course of action is etc. In all honesty though, are you happy? if you arent happy with the way your new hubby is being, then do something about it, at the end of the day, no matter how much we love someone we shouldnt be unhappy just being with them. if i was unhappy about a situation i would talk to them about it, encourage good behaviour with rewards etc, lead by example and try not to nag and plead and beg, men are stubborn mules, the more fuss you make about getting something done the less likely it is to get done. hope this helps a little :) - Anadin
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