A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Could this man be my soul mate?I have been married for almost 10 years, and I am an extremely faithful and understanding wife. Although people get married with the intention of loving in good times and in bad, I feel like I have been through a disproportionate amount of bad times. My husband, although he is extremely faithful, is extremely moody and loses his temper quickly and over the smallest things. Those reasons always tend to be my fault and things blow out of proportion very quickly. When we argue, I am expected to shut up and leave him alone since I know he has a temper. Through the years, I have realized that my husband might have borderline personality disorder (a disorder which makes people see others and issues in black or white)and I have tried everything to get him to seek help. He just refuses to get that kind of help. He has also struggled with an addiction for all this time and only until recently was able to stop cold turkey. That too was part of our marital problems.About a year ago, I met an incredible person. The only problem is that he too is married, but as it turns out his wife is very much like my husband. We seem to be going through the same issues (although we have never spoken about such things). We have always kept things at a very respectful level and have never disclosed any hint of feelings for each other, although the 2 times we spoke on the phone by chance, we had the most amazing conversation. I felt like he completed me. Since then I have tried to stop thinking about him, but it has been so hard. My husband does not treat me well given his issues. He calls me names when he is angry and says he should have remained single. Of course he says these things without really meaning them. I do everything I possibly can to make him happy but it always seems in vain, and I feel unappreciated. Perhaps in the absence of affection and respect, my attention turned toward this other man, and it felt so incredible. I just know that it is wrong to think about someone who is married, and I have tried suppressing the feelings I have. I know for a fact that this man I met is with a woman who also calls him names and has a bad temper too, but I do not believe he has woken up to the realization that she is not good for him on a spiritual level, although his wife has told me that she married him for financial security and because he is kind, but that he is not her soul mate, and she is not really attracted to him. On another note, his wife repeatedly has told me that I m a "twin" of her husband and that it's really strange. We think alike, say the same kind of things, react the same way, and do everything the same way. It's eery. And when him and I speak, it feels so right. I feel like my other half is out there in the world with the wrong woman for the wrong reasons. The only thing I say to myself is that if we are destined to be that fate may bring us together one day, and if not, I need to nourish my own soul with or without this man, even though I think he is my soul mate. I know it sounds crazy that one can believe they met their soul mate after just a few encounters, but trust me, this was like nothing I have experienced before. I felt he probably felt the same way, but in the presence of our spouses, he practically avoided me, but when we were alone, I felt like he completed me and I felt passion in his voice. I believe it was mutual when the conversation was so engaging and we exchanged long smiles? It is very sad, but I have respectfully accepted that this was not destined...at least not for now. Have any of you been in this situation before and did anything ever come of it especially when both of you had children? Not sure what to do! This is torment.I genuinely care about my husband, but this feels so strange to love one's spouse but feel something completely different for someone else. I am starting to feel very disconnected from husband, and that in and of itself is also very hard to accept given how he speaks to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2014):
 You and your husband have checked out of your marriage for various reasons.
You haven't left it yet though, but you have sought out a "new" man to make YOU feel better about the home situation and honey, that is not going to work.
If a car runs out of gas you fill it up, you don't buy a new car. If the reason you keep running out of gas is because there is such a HUGE GAPING hole in the gas-tank, you either FIX it or scrap the car, you DON'T go out a buy a new car til you know which.
You are now calling the "new" man your soul mate. You know that is WISHFUL thinking. You don't REALLY know him. You know snippets about him and those you like better then what you see at home in your husband.
So this is the moment where you are going to HAVE to figure out what you want in your LIFE. You want to be stuck with your husband longer or do you want to walk away and MAYBE find someone you are more compatible with? (and I'm not talking about your "new" man, because he is married and is off limits).
If you want to work it out with your husband then you can't just TELL him to get help, how is that fixing anything? You find a good marriage counselor and you tell your husband to come with you. If he refuses then you know he IS NOT willing to work on your marriage.
And you leave the fantasy with this "new" man alone. It's not helping you, him or your marriage.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 If your marriage cannot be fixed then do your husband and yourself a favour and split up.
This 'other' man is a pipe dream, not the answer to your problems. He is married and so are you, you and he are strangers - not 'twins'.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 January 2014):
 Experience tells us that most married men will not leave their wives.
Leave your marriage if it's really that bad but don't do it expecting to walk into the arms of a married man. that has to be one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make.
Do a search on DEAR CUPID for 'married man' and read all the posts about women in a similar situation to you, it's a good indicator of how that kind of thing goes...and mostly it doesn't go well.
Leave your marriage if you can survive on your own but do it for yourself and your kids...not for the hopes of being with someone who is all promise and no action.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 You have built up a fantasy in your mind about a man you barely know being your soul mate to escape the reality of your abusive marriage.
It would be best to forget the man for whom you have woven dream castles in the sky where you can both live happily ever after once you rescue each other from your nasty bad spouses.
You have spoken to him on the phone twice. You don't know him, or what it is like for him at home, if he is happy or unhappy, if you are planning to make changes in your life leave him out of the equation.
If you care about your husband and marriage, then sit him down and discuss the problems, see if you can both come to some sort of plan to work through those problems, if you don't want to do that then work out what you need to do to firstly leave the marriage, and secondly to end the marriage.
As far as this other man goes, no, no, no! Do not go there, in that direction lies a lot of pain for you, him, your husband, his wife and all the children. Don't do it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): you would be surprised to know how many married people are in similar situation. Many choose to stay together for the sake of the children. Either way it is a bad choice which only you can make, but if you choose to leave your husband then leave him for being abusive, not because of this other guy who could eventually would choose to stay with his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): I haven't been in exactly the same situation but somewhat similar. I was in a relationship with an abusive man and was sort of falling to pieces. He was married with children, but he had begun to despise his wife and they hardly ever spoke to each other. Both of us were depressed and stuck in toxic relationships. His wife was verbally and sometimes even physically abusive. My boyfriend was physically abusive. We met on Facebook, became friends and eventually he left his wife, I left my boyfriend and now, after two years, we're getting married. It was an unhappy situation but we believed we'd be happy together so we took the chance. I hope this helps. However, ending a marriage is not easy. It's painful, it's traumatic and causes a lot of guilt. So think about it. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 January 2014):
You're right, it does sound crazy because it is. I absolutely believe you haven't felt anything like this before, but you also have never been in this situation either.
You're feeling trapped in a marriage with a husband who doesn't treat you well. All of a sudden this guy comes along and is very charming, yet the truth is still that you don't know him. Heck, he could be a jerk who is mean to your wife for all you know.
If you think it's time to leave your husband than its time to leave him regardless of what's going on with the other guy.
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