A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that I need advice on. Sorry if it's a bit long...My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years, but in the last 2 years things have been going wrong and we have come to an impasse.About 2 years ago, my girlfriend went back to university. I was very supportive of it as it's always been her dream to go into this career, and soon she can. So I pay the mortgage and all the bills (which is a struggle - some months I can't make ends meet), and she has a new part-time office job to pay for her course.Since then, though, things have changed. At first, she was out all the time - with uni friends, catching up with old friends, and nights out with new work colleagues. There was no time for me. I didn't mind, because it was a new-found freedom for her and things would settle down. It didn't.To cut a very long story short, I found out that she'd been having an "almost affair" with a guy from work - dozens of texts and calls every day which she tried to hide from me, dates that she went on when I was away (saying that there was a bunch of people from work going, but later admitted it was just him). She said it was never sexual, but that she liked the attention.We worked through that one (eventually), but she still gets 5-10 texts from other work colleagues - all from blokes. She's more open about these texts, and I told her how it makes me feel, but she thinks there's nothing wrong with it and that I'm being too sensitive.The other night I picked her up from a night out, after her friend phoned me to say she was really drunk and needed to go home. After I put her to bed I called her friend to thank her for looking out for my girlfriend. On her phone I found sexually explicit texts from a male friend of hers - in her drunkenness she'd sent him lots of sex texts. Around 3am the same night, there was a succession of texts from a male colleague starting "hi sexy" and "hi gorgeous".Needless to say I was heartbroken. I confronted her and she was appalled and couldn't understand or explain why she had done that.I told her that the problem is that I've become like a housemate and carer rather than a boyfriend, which she agrees with. I think it's because she no longer has time for me - we don't have sex any more and every effort I make to be romantic or to spend quality time together is rejected. I feel she spends all her time, energy and thoughts on text messages and nights out that I'm relegated to the bottom of the pile, and I don't want to make any more effort until she makes an effort for me. And this effort isn't being made. This, in my opinion, is the root cause.She thinks this sounds about right, but that I'm making too much of things. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with all the texts and nights out and the harmless flirting, although she agrees that the sex texts were way out of line. She feels I've become dull and don't do anything exciting and energetic (like her work colleagues, by coincidence). I play rugby, work hard, and can only afford to go out with my mates once a month because all my money goes into keeping a roof over our heads!I asked her to leave and think about things as I'm not happy to be in the relationship if it stays as it is. It was a tearful goodbye as she went to stay with a friend. Heartbreaking, because there is still a deep love and a strong bond between us.But now I don't think I can trust her any more. She breached my trust with the "almost affair", even while we agreed to work through it! The sex texts she sent are pretty unforgivable. Now I don't know what to believe with the texts from male work colleagues - the ones that I saw are, to me, overstepping the boundaries of harmless flirting, but she doesn't see it that way. I can't prove anything because she deletes them as soon as she reads them, to stop me from checking. But it doesn't instill much faith.So I find myself desparately wanting things to work out - deep down inside, I know we're right for each other and that we can work things out, assuming she wants to. And I really want things to work out.But I now don't know if I should. I mean, I feel like I'm being used and that I've been cheated on (even if she hasn't had sex with anyone) on more than one occasion and I don't know if I can ever really believe what she says going forward - I'll always be wondering who she texted, what it said, who she's going out with. That's no way to have a relationship.I'm totally confused. I don't know what to think - my heart say take her back. My head says to give her another chance, but it also says to end it before she does it again! Help!!
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male
reader, gmoney  +, writes (23 June 2008):
Listen brother, know its hard but you must drop this girl. Turn your back and never turn around. Because once you do it will only reopen the wound. Your girlfriend is cheating on you. She is a new woman and in her new world you arent apart of that. I suggest getting out more get a new girl or girls to soften the blow. I found that it is so hard to recognize a bad situation when your in it. I will be forever gratefull to the founders of this site. Every time I think about going back I read my blog and the responses and then I help someone else who like me, was in denial. Please brother dont be a sucker for this girl. You are better than that. Men are out numbered by women even if you count out the ugly ones, men still have a better chance of getting another good one, or a few good ones. lol You can do it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): I honestly have empathy with you; you must be in so much pain; in so much emotional turmoil; and I can understand the agony that you are going trhough;
You have put so much into this relationship; you sound like a very geniune and caring person; such a pitty this girl does not realize it; she does not value and appreciate you enough;
I suggest you have tiem out; don't rush back into things with her; the two of you have been together for a long time; have this break, go out with friends; even meet other people;
It might sound crazy to you now....BUT...time will tell;
let her do her thing; soon you will know what she is upto and how deep her real feelings were; and allow yourself some freedom and space; get out there, and meet other people;
Personally, I think this girl have used and abused you; but give her "rope"....In the meanwhile, GET OUT, you might find that by meeting other people; your eyes might open even more; you might see the situation for what it really is;
I know this is not going to be easy; part of you wants her back; but give it time.....
My thoughts are with you.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Do you really in your heart of hearts love her? Can you fathom being with someone else? Ask yourself the honest questions and trust your gut. There you will find your answers. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Hello.
Similar to my situation but opposite. One person's love can't support the both of you. She loves you but needs another's attention. It will get to the point where that line will be crossed. Just because it hasn't yet and you've talked about it doesn't mean she's not looking at that line waiting for the right time to cross it. Why wait around for that to happen? Besides, in any relationship, once the trust has been lost due to infidelity, the relationship can never be as strong as it once was.
You sound like a good guy. Don't let her selfishness take you down. Call it a life experience and move on.
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