A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I married when i was 22 (i'm now 27). I was with the guy for 5 years and we have been separated 3 years now. It was an amicable separation, we just grew apart and were too young I guess and rushed into it. I've started seeing this guy who I really like and can see a future with. Problem is, I haven't told him about my past. It's only been 6 weeks but I'm too scared to tell him in case he doesn't want to see me anymore. He is 29 but I don't think he has had many serious relationships. We have never talked about our pasts and I didn't want to bring it up because it would be making an issue out of it. I think i'm so scared because I've only dated one other guy since my separation, and he took it really bad and always threw it back at me at every opportunity. So now I'm scared that all guys will react that way. Should I have told him by now? Now I'm also scared that I've left it too long and he will be mad that I've kept it from him, but we just haven't ever had that "past" talk yet. What should I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Good deal!! Glad things worked out!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Thanks everybody for your advice. It was very much appreciated. I told him last night and he was great about it. I told him that I had been really worried to tell him about it and he said that it didn't matter to him, all that he would ever judge me on is what he knows of me since he met me and that I shouldn't have worried at all about it. He actually said he was glad that I felt I could talk to him about it. So thanks again everyone. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Actually, I don't think this is very bad.
I'm assuming your new BF doesn't expect you to have NO previous history, right? He's not assuming you're a virgin or something, right?
Well, then the fact that you were married just means you've had a small number of sexual partners & relationships compared to most other girls your age. That's GOOD to most guys' minds. And you were faithful with your only partners and not having casual sex either.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 If he really loves you , he will not ask you about your past.
He will accept you in toto.
If he asked you about the past, then it is your right to tell or not to tell.
If he can put forth this question to you ,
it means that he wants to know the truth before he wants to commit any relationship with you.
If you are not asked, then you need not have to tell or confess to him.
Many men think they can handle it but when the truth is out , they will have problems handling them .
The best policy is not to tell because those secrets are yours alone and does not belong to him.
It will only clutter their minds.
When your foundations are strong then you can tell,
otherwise you will only lose him if you tell him now.
Some people are just hypocrites and perfectionist.
If you are interested to read further,
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/05/12/will-you-tell-your-beloved-all-your-darkest-secrets/
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 So you're a divorcee. Either he can accept it or he can't (some guys can't). Since he'll find out some time in the future (as soon as he decides he's serious about you), it's probably best to let him know now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Hi there,
I feel sorry for you. You lucked out in the first date post marriage breakup. You dated one of these pathetic souls we see on here all the time - they are obsessed with their partners past.
So first thing to do is forget that rubbish. The guy who dated was a basket case, don't make the mistake of painting the new guy with the same brush.
Tell him about your past, good grief what is there to hide? If he is not happy about it, then put it down to experience. 90% of guys will know any girl over 16 will have a sexual/relationship history. If they cant accept it then you are better off without them.
good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): It doesn't sound like anything ANY guy would be upset about. So unless he KNEW this guy then I'd say you've got nothing to worry about. Honestly girls worry more about this type of thing because little secrets like this tend to bother women more. With men its the secret ITSELF they care about. They don't really care why you kept it hidden.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): TEll him he ll found out sometime so irs better when it comes for you .. straight from begginging.
...............................
A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (12 May 2008):
Do you have anything in particular you are ashamed of? It doesn't sound like that to me at all. To me, I think you shouldn't be afraid of the past... everyone has one. IMO, you were a bit traumatized by that guy that made a big deal out of it, so I can understand you concerns/fears... but, being a big believer in honesty, I think you should reveal your past. If anything, you'd think he'd be wondering, don't you?
So, I suggest getting cozy (ie. get a bottle of wine and chill together at home) and bring up the past. You could even use the past trauma as a launching pad. If he's a good guy, then it shouldn't matter to him... plus, how much of his past do you know about? This would also be a good chance to understand him and his past. IMO, conversations like this actually have the effect of bringing couples closer together.
Good luck, but I think it should go smoothly... don't get anxiety over it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Tell him. Sometimes guys fret more because you take too long into telling them about your past, not because of the past itself. I know it's scary, but you have to take a risk: if he accepts it, he's a good guy to have a great relationship with. If he can't accept it, then you're better off without him, and finding another guy. Plus, as you've been together only for 6 weeks, it won't hurt as much if it doesn't work out. On the other hand it may increase the feelings he has for you, because guys appreciate honesty big time.
Telling him you were married is not a big deal though. I think the guy you dated after your separation was the exception rather than the rule. I understand guys who get upset when they find out their girlfriend slept with ten guys in one night, but you were married, you were in a serious relationship, you grew apart and now it's part of the past. Nothing wild, or promiscuous, or anything wrong about it! Your new guy is probably a sensible man who understands these kind of situations, and will accept you and enjoy and grow in your relationship no matter the past. You know him better, so you probably have an idea of how your boyfriend may react on these kind of situations.
...............................
|
