A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a sticky situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now in a relatively stable relationship. Because of my job I've had to move away for a while and my boyfriend is still back at home and now I rarely get to see him. Visiting has become so difficult, and he refuses to spend any money to visit me, even though he's working full time and can more than afford it. Lately we've decided that we need to go on a break because our relationship isn't going well. I agree with the break because of my situation being away, but now I genuinely think we need to call time on the whole relationship. I've been so comfortable with him, can be myself completely and he still says he loves me. However he never shows it. He never shows me any affection whatsoever.I went to visit about two and a half months ago and it was almost as if he didn't want to know me, other things took priority over spending time with me. He got aggressive with me whenever I suggested doing something together. Yet he insists he loves me to pieces. Why would he treat me this way if he did? Every time I try to confront him about it he says I just make him feel like **** and make it seem like I'm telling him he's an awful boyfriend. Then he claims if we break up for good that his world would fall apart. I'm tired of feeling like another thing on the shelf that he can use when he wants. Yet I'm so scared I'd be throwing those 5 years away. I still love him so much, and I don't think I'd ever be able to fall in love again. Recently I've made a friend who has started to like me romantically, saying that I turn his world upside down and he can't stop complimenting me and being sweet and genuine and I'm not used to it. It's really nice though, it's like I'm craving affection from elsewhere, but I'd feel really guilty if something were to happen while I was still with my boyfriend. Do I start to move on and force myself to stop living in the past, or do I continue to try to make it work? I'm so torn because of how much I love him. I can't get through to him at all, he never listens to me, and every time I broach the subject he gets so angry and aggressive and starts calling me awful things. I'm scared I'll miss him too much and that I'll never love anyone like that again. Our families are so close to each other too. I have a lot of potential in my job too and I don't want to mess up the promotional opportunities I have ahead of me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 End it with him. It's over and you know it... the minute the attention of someone else is more enticing than the current relationship it's time to rethink the current relationship.
all the other things you have listed are also good reason to end it. He's not making an effort...
so you are apart and are rarely seeing each other... who contacts who?.... is there even a need to speak the unspoken (that it's over)
if you have not seen him in 3 months... how much contact are you having?
he is angry and aggressive and calls you names when you want to try to talk about it because he knows you are not happy with the relationship and you want out.
if you don't call him how long will it take him to contact you?
if you don't ask to see him how long will it take him to ask to see you?
if you don't spend money or time to fix the relationship will he?
YOU will not be alone if you don't want to be. breaking up after 5 years is scary... but I think you know as well as we do, the short term pain will be worth it in the long run.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2013):
 To me, it sounds as though you are a couple of years overdue for the inevitable breakup.
If he's not willing to visit you, not willing to discuss things calmly and rationally, and emotionally blackmails you into staying with him, well, then there's not much you can do. Alas, personality transplants aren't yet perfected, so you can't change him.
Of course you'll find love again, if you are open to it. If you are stuck in the past and the same patterns, well, not so much.
I'd allow this 'break' you are on to naturally develop into a full breakup. It may be that time and distance does the work you are too fearful to do right now. Don't make any plans to go see him, don't be the one to initiate contact.
Honestly, though, if I were you, I'd go ahead and be brave and end it. It's not working, he's clinging to the fragments of the relationship, not nurturing and treasuring you and the relationship. It's basically lip-service on his part, a lot of talk but no real action.
You can tell your friends and family that you are sad that it just didn't work out the way you'd hoped, that you still care for him and wish him nothing but the best. Someone who knows and loves you would not want you tied to this distant and angry man, no matter how promising things were at the start. You did use the phrase "relatively stable," which suggests there have ben problems in the past. "Relatively stable" compared to Kim Kardashian or relatively stable compared to Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson? When you use a term that compares your relationship to others, then it would suggest that one or both of you are not happy with it.
So, to sum up, you are letting fear chart your future. You are scared of missing him, yet he's already absent from the relationship. You are scared of leaving him but he never listens to you, gets angry and aggressive and nasty. I would think a future without a distant, nasty, shitty boyfriend would be one hell of a lot better than one in which you beg for crumbs of affection in between being called awful things.
Break up with him, take your power back and just do it. Five years of this relationship doesn't warrant a lifetime of crap from this guy, just because you are afraid of the unknown future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): You aren't doing yourself or your boyfriend any favours by dragging it out, if the relationship isn't working anymore!!
Like the other poster said, it sounds like you have already made your mind up anyway!
I know it won't be easy, especially after being together so long. But you are both leading separate lives already.
Its sad when a relationship has cone to an end, but it sounds like, by want you have said, that your boyfriend doesn't pay you enough attention when you ARE with him...and why won't he make the effort to come see you.
The relationship has run its course, sadly!
Be Happy....Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): It sounds like you've made up your mind already that you want to end it, so I think you should.
I was in a pretty much exactly the same situation to you, I moved away for work and when I went back he was pretty disinterested, but when I tried to end it begged me to stay. I think he was just comfortable and scared of change, but it wasn't working and we both knew it.
When I finally managed to finish it, my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner. At first, I thought I was really hurting him by breaking up with him... But I soon came to realise that I wasn't. I was hurting ME by staying for so long.
You will meet someone else you love as much. Probably more. And so will he.
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