A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's been a bit over 2 months since I had an unexpected break-up that left me kind of shaken. I've progressed well in most respects,but I'm still stuck on the fear of dating again. Back story: I thought I did EVERYTHING right with this last one. I was interested but not too clingy, got to know his friends but gave them space, helpful but not overbearing, etc. He told me I was the perfect GF and I did employed every dating tactic and it still didn't work out. Every sign was there and still I failed again. I don't even know what I'd do differently next time. He was exactly what I'd been looking for and I'd never been with someone so nice and caring. We hardly ever fought, spent tons of time together, and I really thought this one could be "the one". I was perfectly happy and not looking for anything more. So him telling me he didn't know if he could see a future with us shook me to my core. After the day we broke up, we haven't spoken at all or even run into each other. I refuse to get back on a dating app, but I've met like 4 new guys just out and about recently. Whether they're just wrong for me or I don't actually like them or I'm scared, I just can't seem to get past 2 or 3 dates without putting up my wall again. None of them I've been into enough to actually keep dating, but I feel myself tense up and panic. I cannot allow myself to head down that path again of getting to know someone, letting them in, doing everything right, and not seeing ANY red flags then just being dumped and destroyed again. I am over my ex, but NOT over the breakup. I just really didn't think I would be doing this again. I did NOT want to go through dating anymore; it's so exhausting and stressful. I just still can't accept that I have to do this all over again, so I just have a really bad attitude about it and try to keep to myself.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 Hi OP.
Firstly, you need to understand that you've been hurt and that will not take just two months to heal which means that you being out there in the dating world is far too soon. Your wounds are still fresh and they will take some time to heal so please do take your time to come to terms with what happened.
You should not date yet because you're still in the stage of 'No one is HIM' therefore the chances of you getting on with someone else as well as you did with him, are quite slim at this point.
You're at the stage where you need to either take a break from dating or you will rebound if you're not careful. Now, rebounding may not be your thing but it happens even without one taking note of exactly what their new relationship is. That's not to say that you won't ever be ready.
There is no such a thing as the perfect partner because we all have issues. It's the imperfections that help make something as close to perfect as possible. You need some closure. Perhaps in your mind everything was perfect but from his perspective you will never know. I mean, did he at least explain to you what went wrong because clearly something did. Maybe the two of you wanted different things? That's probably it.
Maybe he knew how serious you were becoming and it scared him. We'll never know now. The point is, that he no longer wanted to be with you regardless of what the reasons are. So 'what now?' you ask? Take time to heal and by doing that, in time, you will find the strength to move on. It won't be easy leaving it be, because it's eating you up inside but you've got to learn to get on with life for your own sake.
Take it as a lesson that even the relationships that seem perfect can fall apart. That's why it is never a good idea to become too comfortable in a relationship because anything can happen, and at any time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Wise owl lives to tell the tale. It's a shame we can't all find a man like his!
What that man did to you was mean. I'm glad you have gotten over him, he should be gotten over. Wise owl is right you need to be the strongest woman you can be. If you were this, you will never need or want for a man again. It is this world that says we should. Jesus said that when we die we are like angels. We are not married to a human, we cannot take the man with us. If a soul is meant to be with another it is for Gods will. Not for what you or the man can get out of the relationship. Without Love and trust, we are useless to ourselves or to others. Watch out for that and Yes: build yourself up. It's the only way.
Love
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2017):
 thanks for the explanation :)
And remember this OP, if you can find ONE good guy, you CAN find another.
Don't let ONE bad experience color how you live your life. You didn't get dumped because you have grown and matured as a person. Again, as much as it SUCKS sometimes we meet people we REALLY like and it doesn't work out.
Keep being who you are, keep growing and keep an open mind.
This guy just wasn't it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney pie, OP here. I possibly phrased this wrong (it's hard to fit nearly a year long relationship into a website post). Thanks for your advice. I agree- I am so far from a stepford wife and am quite outspoken when necessary. This guy in no way controlled me or was my source of happiness or anything. It was just my first time having a relationship that was healthy and actually added joy to my life. So by saying employing relationship tactics I meant I was handling things in a healthy way and was being open, honest, and mature in all aspects of our relationships. I've grown a lot in the years about how to have a healthy, grown up relationship lol. This was the first one I was completely myself with, and I have a lot of hobbies and interests on my own. I'm very independent and didn't want to date someone just to have someone- I've never been like that. This one actually added to my life. I can understand how reading the post of a heartbroken female could sound like I am unhappy alone and obsessed with relationships only, but I am usually happy being single so it's hard to let someone in and end up more hurt than I could imagine!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): It has only been two months. Emotionally, you're still in recovery. With a breakup, also comes grief. Just as if someone died. There is a great loss, and it takes the subconscious-mind a little time to accept it. Only no one died, they're still alive. So there's inner-conflict between letting-go and holding-on.
The relationship died. So bury it, and move on.
The detachment-process is also several chemical-processes in the brain. The cut-off of supply can be quite brutal. Brain chemicals gone haywire; while the brain is starved of dopamine, ocytocin, and vasopressin. All that mess is going on in your brain! They were produced to create the sensation of love and connection. It's now withdrawal, just like being denied an addictive drug. Craving a fix...wretched yearning!
It's good that you're a little shy of dating; because you're too vulnerable right now. That's how some people end-up in short-lived rebound relationships. Rebounds undo all the healing progress; and sets you back. It will snatch the scab right off the wound! So you should be using this time to just be selfish and concentrate on doing things to make yourself happy. Catch up with your friends, reconnect with family you haven't seen in awhile, get a new hairdo, and prepare your career plans and finances for the future.
You can't do everything right; sweetheart. There is no such thing. You're human and we make mistakes. We're connecting with other human beings; which makes things risky and unpredictable. So you can only do your best and hope for the best. Enjoying what you have while you have it. Be aware and thankful of all blessings that come your way, not just having a man.
Some relationships are only meant to be with us for a short while. Someone comes along and touches our lives and gives us brief moments of love and romance. With an expiration-date! Stay in the present. Don't worry about the future.
You can't tag every good romance "the one" or "everlasting." Life is a journey; and we are supposed to enjoy change, growth, and evolution. You're very young, so there is much you need to experience in order to enlighten you; and you've got to develop as a woman. You need to gain work-experience and equip yourself with tools for survival. Life isn't always about having a man and being attached to a relationship. We also have to function alone. And enjoy that time alone, I should add!
Don't immerse yourself so deep into relationships that you lose your own identity. I've learned that one of the reasons breakups can destroy you; is that you've let the relationship define you, instead of you defining the relationship. Giving all of yourself away to someone else, until you feel you have died when they decide to go. You always keep some for yourself. That self-love you keep on reserve is what helps you to survive a breakup. It's your life-support while you heal.
You need to be scared of getting too emotionally-involved and attached for awhile. It's your mind telling you that you're not ready yet. You need time, and you also need to practice some female-independence. Not always center yourself in the middle of a relationship. Always looking for a husband, or constantly needing to be propped-up by a male.
Woman, know thyself. Who are you without a man? Do you know?
You learn life as you live it. You're always in school. You meet different man-types; so you'll become well-educated about what you need in a man, and who is best suited as your match and equal. You must live on your own energy-source, and be driven by your own engine. Then when you find the right man, he knows he doesn't have to provide all the strength in the relationship. He has someone strong enough to lean on when his strength gives out.
Yes, you do have to do it all over again. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Date for fun and recreation. Enjoy male-companionship without always having to sink your hooks into it. If he wants to stay, good for you; and if he doesn't, girlfriend will still survive. He's a teardrop in an ocean of men. You'll find one when destiny decides it's your time. All good-ones aren't keepers. You're also a part of his life-lesson. Your worth isn't measured by how long he wants to stick around. It's measured by how well you learn.
You can have all the bad attitude you want. Nobody has to put-up with it. Who do you think you're hurting, but yourself?
Girlfriend, you're just going through all the phases of emotional-changes typical of detachment from a relationship. It's supposed to hurt. The mind grows stronger and allows you to recover and to move on. You'll recognize your strengths and weaknesses. You'll have good memories to cherish; and you were given just enough love to exercise your sensitivities, and teach you how to give. You need to taste the sweet fruits of variety. Not just one sample of mankind. It can get worse before it gets better. Consider him only a teaser. Like you found him, you'll find another.
He wasn't the one. So get it together, purge the bitterness, and pursue your happiness. Happiness is homegrown, your own responsibility to provide for yourself. Not the burden placed on men to provide you. If you didn't know that, allow my wisdom to inform you.
All the pain will pass. Change your attitude. You don't need a man, but should be prepared when the right guy comes along. You should be refreshed, refueled, and running on your own power. Then as a partner, you'll be a powerful team. Not one subsisting on the other like a parasite.
When I came to DC, I had just been dumped. He was rich, good-looking, and we had a ball. Out of the clear blue, without so much as a little tip or warning. He decided I "deserved someone better." Yeah! That was his reasoning.
Feel free to read my articles and my journey back. I've been there, and done that. I speak from experience. Got a new man now. Creme of the crop! I live it one day at a time. If he leaves me; I've still got me, my loving family, and all my wonderful friends. So do you, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2017):
OP, sometimes you can do "EVERYTHING" right and things don't work out.
When it comes to relationships it's not about being the "perfect" GF or BF - it's about chemistry and compatibility.
The fact that you "employed dating tactics" (whatever that is) might be one of the reasons he didn't see a long term thing with you. While I get putting your "best" foot forward in the initial stages (we ALL do that to some extent) we STILL have to ALSO be ourselves, otherwise, it comes across as NOT being sincere. Like dating a "Stepford wife" (if you get the reference).
The thing is OP, he just didn't see a future with you (the little he knew of you) and that is that. Disappointing I get it, but he didn't waste your time or drag it out. He just didn't "feel" it with you. Doesn't mean YOU did something "wrong" he just didn't see it.
Being dumped is NEVER fun. It makes a person feel like they somehow weren't good enough. It's RARELY about being good enough but how well you actually mesh, match, gel.
So take some time NOT dating. Find things you ENJOY to do, hang out with family and friends. BUT DO NOT let one guy make you think that YOU aren't good enough to date or that you will be hurt by EVERY dude out there if you do date.
Find your standards, your values, likes, and dislikes. And next time BE yourself and take the time to get to know a guy you are interested in without having the expectations of OMG!! He must be THE One!!
Chin up, OP. He wasn't for you.
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