A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone....first of all I am African, so no judging please.I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. When we started dating he was so excited about our relationship. He actually told after 3 months of dating that he couldn't wait to get married. We even started making plans (he is good at making plans but no action ). But plans keep changing and changing. We are almost clocking 2 years and still no engagement. A few months ago he told me he wanted to meet my relatives so that he can pay my dowry (bride price). We are Africans so that's how we get engeged. He has to meet my relatives and they have to decide the amount that he should pay, and he has to pay (not all of it at once of course ).So I told my relatives that my boyfriend wanted us to officially be engaged. We set the date for meeting. But my boyfriend on the last minute told me he had no money to pay. So I had to come with an excuse to tell my relatives. And so the meeting has been postponed indefinitely. I myself don't even know when it will take place. When ever I ask my boyfriend, he says "he is looking for money".And today he started telling me about this land he found which for sale and he wants to buy. He actually wants us to buy it together. I asked him where he was going to get the money for the land, he says "he is looking for it".I am so frustrated and disappointed. And I think I have started resenting him because today I told him that I can't buy land with my boyfriend because that's just what he is to me. If he can't make a commitment to me, then I can't spend huge sums of money with him.I forgot to mention I make more money than him, so am morefinancially stable than.and I am okay with that. I don't expect him to get me an engagement ring and we won't have to have a big wedding. We will just do a church ceremony and dinner with family and few close friends afterwards. And we hAve talked about all this in great detail. I have understood his financial situation. (He is in med school but also has a full job. He will be done with school in 2 years time).so all I want from him is a commitment. I know he can afford to come up with the money for the dowry, but he is just procrastinating. I am tired of the disappointment. At times I think of just breaking up other than just wasting my time with him. Because at this pace we are going we may clock another year and don't think I can take it.I know I love and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake dating him in the first place. The embarrassing thing now is my relatives know of him and keep wondering when he will eventually show up and pay the bride price. And they keep asking me and I have no answer to give them. I feel so embarrassed. Sorry for such a long post. I had to vent. I know the dowry issue will sound strange but it's a big part of our culture.Any advice is welcome......thanks.
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engaged, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 July 2016):
 He has huge plans but never has any money to do them. This guy is living in a dream world. I get why you are angry, I also get why you are embarrassed having to listen to your family wonder what is taking him so long. This to me is a huge warning sign, if he has not changed in the last two years then he is not going to in the near future. He is full of words and plans but never any back up.
A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (25 July 2016):
hi, I dont blame you for being tired of waiting. This guy is wasting your time, he has made promises and even arrangements to meet your family but he has actually done nothing. It is worse than if he had never mentioned getting engaged, because he gave you hope for nothing. This is a normal part of your culture and you are not asking too much of him.
The best thing you can do is set a timeline in your head, since you clearly dont want to dump him right now. If in for example 3 months, he has not proposed to your family then he needs to go from your life. It is important that you dont tell him this plan that you have in your head. You want him to marry you because he wants to, not because of pressure from you.
You sound like an intelligent selfless woman who has a lot to offer the right man. I think you deserve better since it seems he is keeping you waiting for nothing. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 July 2016):
You do realize this is a warning for you right??
If he cannot man up now as a boyfriend...you really think he will man up as a husband??
Look at the warnings you are giving yourself...
"he is good at making plans but no action"
"I had to come with an excuse to tell my relatives."
"I myself don't even know when it will take place."
"I am so frustrated and disappointed."
I could keep going...The point is...you already see with your own eyes the kind of man you are dealing with. So deal with this problem now, or dealing with it for the rest of your life.
I think you know what you need to do.....FAST!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (24 July 2016):
 I thought this is usually dealt with on his behalf by a relative, perhaps a brother. A price is agreed and a time for the amount to be delivered is set.
Is your marriage to be arranged by your parents or do you get to choose?
The underlying question you raise is one of trust. If he can get the price of the land why not the pledged amount to marry you?
Simply put, if you get to choose who you marry do you still want this man who is still keeping you waiting after all this time?
If, on the other hand it is your parents' choice then let them contact the other family and ask for the contract to be fulfilled as soon as possible.
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