A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, my boyfriend is 18 and I am 20. We've been together for over a year and I live at home with him and his family (might sound weird, but none of us feel that way, we all get along). For several months I feel like he isn't as attracted to me as he used to be as we don't have sex as often as I would like. We do it once or twice a week, three at most. While that probably sounds healthy to some I can't help but feel like it's odd, especially for a couple of our ages. He rarely initiates sex and I usually have to annoy him for it. If I try to do it he will complain and tell me not to force him and he'll do it when he's ready, even when I'm trying really hard to turn him on. Like I said, I feel like he doesn't find me very attractive because of this. It's causing me a lot of emotional grief over things like I don't know if he wants me, why doesn't he want me, why can't I turn him on etc etc. I have brought up the problem with him numerous times and while he assures me he loves me and finds me the most attractive of all he can't change how he is and he can't force himself to have sex with me, in fact, he gets quite defensive about it. I am positive he isn't gay, also. Sex is really important to me and I don't really know what to do about this. I'm getting tired of not feeling wanted. I would never cheat, but sometimes I daydream about being wanted by someone else which is probably a bad sign. I also sometimes feel like I want attention from other boys just so he'll get defensive over me. I feel so stupid about it, but I'm really frustrated and confused. I've never had the problem of not being wanted before, so I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart and I'm trying to get past this, but I really don't understand how an 18 year old boy has such a low libido.On another note, many of the times he does initiate sex with me it's in his sleep. As in, while he's asleep he'll start feeling me up and wake up halfway through. It makes me wonder if his decreased libido has to do with stress. He is under a lot of stress at work and from his father, but I try my best to keep him happy and encourage him in life. Sex is another thing I try to do to take his mind off things, but it just doesn't usually work. I've mentioned seeing someone about his stress before because it's impacting me as well, but I we really should go through with it as this is becoming more and more of a problem. It sounds selfish but I need more intimacy and love from him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 It sounds as though you have very different sex drives. You are hoping he'll match yours and he is hoping you'll be happy with less.
You look at sex as something to do to take his mind off things but I'll bet it's another stressor in his life, as in, he knows you want more and he's just not able/interested/capable of fulfilling your need for sex.
You suggest he sees someone for his stress because it's keeping you from getting the sex you want, but again, has it ever occurred to you that you are adding to his stress?
If you need more intimacy and sex from him then maybe it's time to realize that your needs will never be matched by his sex drive. He is presumably at his sexual peak, assuming he's healthy.
You want a lot, he's not able to give; time to reconsider the entire relationship. I'm sure there are many men with higher sex drives who would be good partners for you.
So stop taking this personally, stop threatening to cheat in order to get his attention and start considering that it's time to find a more compatible partner.
Living with his family isn't going to make this easier so perhaps it's time to move.
In the meantime, stop pushing for sex and don't have sex with him when he's asleep. Move into different bedrooms or better yet, different houses, and go back to courtship, where both you of you have to make an effort to see each other and make dates.
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