A  ,
*elsi
writes:I'm not sure how to handle this situation with my very best friend. (I'm her very best friend too) The problem is that she tells me she doesn't give a crap if her husband gets mad at her but her actions don't match her words. Every time we want to do something together her husband turns into a needy baby. He will pout and say stuff like "well I don't want to be left here alone", or "what am I going to do"? Today for instance her and I were talking about going shopping for Christmas decorations, we set it up for Saturday but she said "I will have him make an appointment for his oil to be changed at 1:00 and you can I can go shopping at 12:30". I said "well if he can't get his oil change appointment and you want to go shopping another time we can". Her response to that was "we'll see". She is validating to me that she is uncomfortable with his behavior and doesn't want to rock the boat. He is very controlling and she seems to really suck up to him after we have gone and done something together. I find that pathetic. He tells her he truly wants her to be happy but then he acts all upset when it's just her and I going to do something. As much as I love my best friend I am starting to feel like I'm in the way and need to back away from the whole situation so her husband can have her all to himself. Why is it he can't be happy for her to go and do something with her very best friend. He is 65 years old, he should have a life by now that doesn't just include her. Any advice would be great. Thank you!
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reader, YouWish +, writes (31 October 2014):
 Yeah, people like her husband get on my nerves too, and I'm sure that you feel protective of not only your best friend, but your time with her as well, and that's totally understandable!
Unfortunately, apart from saying something to her when the two of you are alone (and even THAT takes a lot of tact because badmouthing a friend's spouse can be a really bad idea even if they deserve it), it's really between the two of them to deal with it, and if they've been married for a long time, they've gotten used to that pattern.
You can tell your friend how YOU feel. Just say "Hey, I really love spending time with you, but your husband is making me feel like I'm in the way and I'm not feeling welcome to make plans with you", keeping it on YOU, not criticizing HIM.
Or, tell her to get the oil changed on Friday so as to not need any impeding on your fun on Saturday! Most of the time, oil changes no longer need appointments anyways, or make it for Monday so her husband can't use it as an excuse.
My condolences to you. I know people like that and I think the exact same thing - that they need to get a life and have their own thing to do instead of getting clingy and needy when their spouse wants to cultivate other friendships.
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