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writes: so.... been dating this guy for 8+ years. He has 3 kids, they are now in their early 20s and one is turning 18 this year. I've spent countless weekends sitting at his house with the kids and watching tv, playing board games, going to baseball games, etc., etc. Finally now they are getting more independent and I can see more time for 'us'. So he has been spending all his time at my place, except for one day a week, and for that he pays me $400 all-incl. towards food. Meanwhile he is making double mortgage payments on his own house, and he feels this is fair. I work 6 full-time shifts a week, he is self-employed. Recently his eldest daughter announced that she is joining the army to pursue a career in search and rescue. I thought 'yay' (she has never cared for me). So now my b'friend has decided to sell his house and take the equity from it and throw it into a $1 million dog kennel and his girls are to run it. It's 40 acres and has a 2000 sq ft house. Meanwhile he intends to move in with me and pay rent until my mortgage is done (4 years). I have $280,000 equity in my home; he has $250,000 in his home. He is spending his equity on a business for his kids; I am supposed share the equity in my home by letting live with me for rent. This really bothers me. Am I being unreasonable? I have to work for another 10 years to build up my RRSPs and pay off my mortgage. He has all his RRSPs in place for retirement and won't have a mortgage, plus will be the owner of a $1 million dog kennel. p.s. nobody has any kennel experience. He calls it a "family" operation, yet it excludes me. How many of you would dump him? Your opinions? I will gladly answer any questions. Please only answer if you're in your older than 40 and can relate. Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Seems like you think his kids are his family. And you are an outsider whom he can turn to when he needs.
Emotionally, the only way this balances is if you have other priorities too.
I did not get the deal about you feeling cheated on the money part.
He can only stay at house at your invitation. Did you guys discuss moving in together and all before he started staying with you? Was that an emotional decision or did it just happen?
If it just happened, you need to talk to him about where you stand with him, emotionally. Then decide.
If he is staying there at your invitation, regardless of what he is paying for his, he should share expenses. He should contribute to everything equally - electricity, water, grocery, mortgage etc. That is the only fair way to look at this. You can bank that money or pay off your mortgage early with it :)
He is not really thinking about you or your future... so this is more emotional than financial, I think.
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reader, boo22  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 I would dump him if I was looking for commitment from him. 8 years you've been together.Why aren't you married to him?Did you not want to?
I'm not really into the idea of marriage, I don't think it would suit me, so I don't live with guys either. It sounds to me like you are feeling used and angry. You wouldn't be writing this post if the both of you were married.
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reader, weparley  +, writes (5 March 2010):
Age shouldn't matter, I think anybody can see that you have a problem with it. "Not just 40 (or) older.
Why don't you just do the simple thing of "TALKING TO HIM!!"
Why make this more difficult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): I can fully relate to this and I am 47. I would be so f'd off it would drive me to distraction. It is a flaming cheek. If he was putting your name on the ridiculous dog kennel business then maybe I'd feel differently but he is taking the piss. He is building up his equity and savings whilst sponging of you. It is not fair and doesn't even begin to balance out financially. I am exceptionally mercenary having been bitten like this before and I would insist if he is going to go ahead with the arrangement that he pays you at least $1000 a month - or whatever figure covers your mortgage plus feeding and doing whatever else you do for him. The guy is mean. You have obviously been together a long time since you have done so much of the looking after his kids role and you deserve a percentage of the business as well. I would explain to him that you will go ahead with what he wants if he pays you more to stay in your home and he cuts you in on the business, say 25%. I am afraid unless I got financial recompense I would leave him. He must understand your situation with regard to equity and pension and see how dis-comparable it is to his. He should also take into consideration the fact that you looked after his kids allowing him to build up his career and businesses. He does not sound very loving to me either so i would think very carefully.
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