A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm terrified of getting married in 2 days. I have trust issues with men that stem back to when I was 4 and my dad left me. I then was molested as a young child by 2 relatives. I had a b.f. in high school who I was crazy about and he just disappeared after the school year ended, he wouldn't take my calls, and I found out he was going out with someone else. I was devastated. I didn't know how much these issues still affected me until recently b/c we are to be married in 2 days. I'm finding myself picking fights and bringing things up about my b.f. that were in the past, before we were together. I really am so terrified to let myself trust this man with all of my heart enough to marry him in the fears that he will betray me. I can't cancel the wedding b/c our families put up a lot of money and we have a 5 month old and another on the way. He hasn't done anything to me and he has been good to me. I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking of the worst case scenario like that one day I will find him in bed with my friend or something. I know a lot of people (men and women) that stray in relationships and I just don't want to be so vulnerable to getting hurt. Marriage to me is a big deal and I couldn't give my heart to someone that I didn't love... but I am so scared of being hurt. Is this normal?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Dear confused!Its way past the 13th of September now, so I hope that you managed to allay your fears and enjoy your big day.I too was hurt as a little girl, aged 6, when my father passed away after a long illness. Aged 11 I was molested by an uncle in my family, and to make matters worse, I married a man when I was 23 who went onto to emotionally and physically abuse me. To say I am scarred is an understatement.11 years later, I have two beautiful children, and a divorce under my belt. But what I have come to realise is that it is very difficult indeed to heal from all the pain that has been dished out to me. 2 years ago I left my ex-husband and vowed that never again was a man going to treat me badly.....not physically, not emotionally...not ever! So I worked hard on rebuilding my self esteem and believing that I could make a positive change for the better, simply by believing that I was 'worth more'. Exactly one year ago on the 19th October, a man walked into my life when I was least expecting it. We met on the internet, and despite everybody's warnings of 'you can't meet anybody decent on the internet' - he has changed my life! He is warm, caring, kind, considerate, affectionate, loving, loyal, funny and a million other things as well. But most of all, he loves me for exactly who I am, and is the most trustworthy individual I have ever met.2 days ago, we made the decision together to get married, and hopefully try for a child together shortly afterwards (I am 35 and my biological clock is ticking ;-). Having two children of my own, i asked him why he would like us to have a child together. His answer was 'its simple, i would like us to have a child as a reflection of our love for one another, a child we can both raise and cherish, and you are the most wonderful mother, I would not choose anyone else in the world'.I wont say there aren't times when I don't 'wobble' in our relationship, but given my past, my partner has done so much to reassure me. He has given me the space within our relationship, that I have needed to explore my feelings, and to adapt to this totally different relationship, where anger and hurt do not dominate my everyday life. In short, sometimes we need to keep reminding ourselves that life is 'not all bad' and 'not everybody is the same' - and enjoy every moment of happiness we are blessed to have.Good luckDebbie 'over the pond'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): I have the same problem as you at my age! I am trying very hard to work on it using a website called MoodGym. It does help, it is a kind of therapy called CBT. Have a look, get counselling too if you can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): This sounds easy.
Why worry about something that may or may not happen? It's a waste of energy, time and you stand to lose someone you CAN Love and rely on?
You say you couldn't give your heart to someone you didn't love. Do you love him?
You do as you wouldn't have accepted the proposal.
You are letting your past decide your present day. You are letting your fears rule.
It isn't what a healthy adult would do, no.
You aren't emotionally healthy and this is taking it's toll on you mentally and physically as well as getting in the way of present and future happiness.
Who decides if the past will destroy their future? ONLY YOU DO.
You need counselling.
You need to resolve your past, come to terms with that you did not have power and control over - your Dad leaving was his choice. I'm sorry it hurt you so much, no child wants that. You can choose to let it still effect you today or you can say, it happened, I was not at fault, it was his choice, I was hurt by it, devastated- he left me unprotected and I am angry at him for this.
You need to say. I am no longer vunerable. I can decide who I let into my life. I can decide if I let that moment ruin my day or I can say, it was the past, it was sad but it is not happening to me now. I have someone who loves me and wants to be in my life. I will take whatever happiness comes my way and value it.
You can cancel it. You have more power over your life than that little girl in you says.
That is the lost little girl who says...I am scared of being hurt. I was hurt before and I don't want to be hurt.
The strong women in you can say, it's okay little girl, I will do my best to keep you safe and loved- I love you.
The little girl in you says you can't disappoint your family.
The strong woman in you can say, it's okay if I postpone this and work on getting stronger,healthier and resolve my past.
You get to decide, make a choice, own the consequences good and bad. That will give you freedom.
You didn't decide your childhood but you sure as heck can decide your adulthood.
Please seek counselling to help you get the tools, self esteem, power over your destiny.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, HonestGuy  +, writes (13 September 2007):
My heart go's too you !!!I do understand were you are coming from, I have had the same things happen to me. When you are having these fights dose he has self control with his anger and not show it.Did you discuss about your past while you were in your relationship. I believe you have talked about these feeling you have in your heart and head. Trust me, this guy sounds like the guy who will love you for who you are and not what you are. He will help you and guide you through the difficulties that has happened in your life.One major advice I can give too you, do not take on board what you have heard from other people or what you read, yes these things do happen. There are 3 Questions to ask :1) Do you Love Him ?2) Can you see him be a loving husband to you and a good father ?3) Do you trust Him ?I believe they will be yes !!!!You will be fine.
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