A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am caring for a family member who is here alone - she has fallen ill and I am the sole provider. I count the pennies because everything goes to paying for her to get better- my parents own to homes and in this moment of need they could help but I have not told them because they are very judgemental- their bitter people- greedy people - and will always use it against u- they care notinng about materials and the external week being of me. It's been month 7 and it's getting to me- I can't show this fear to my family member who I'm providing because I can't let this make her sicker. Im so angry so angry that my parents have two homes they rent out to strangers and god forbid their own daughter can't come to them for help. Im so angry to some days I can't bare the thought of looking at them- I love with them and hold this secret because all my expenses go to taking care of this family member. I have grown to hate them - and I know the last time I asked them for help they never let me live it down - always bringing it in fights etc . I feel so hopeless - I do nothing but work - I try to work as much as I can and I feel like I can't see hope - any strategies? I'm not suicidal at all but I'm running out of a positive mindset - I have at least 7 more months to go of payments equaling to 3k a month. I only have about 100 dollars I spend on myself a month - please any advice
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 July 2017):
Hello girl,Listen, I'm in that very same position you are. My parents are just exactly the same as yours, they are rich, but they are greedy and materialistic, zero empathy for others.On the other hand, it's me, and I take care of my girlfriend as she is constantly sick, and now her mother is diagnosed with Cancer, so I got more expenses to handle.I really don't mind doing all of this. I really love her, and she is the best person I've met in my life, and all of this effort has worth it.I've been penniless for 8 years straight now, until recently, that I have started making a lot more money, and I'm able to afford things for myself. I tried once asking my parent's for help, and they said "I don't have money right now". It was the lowest point in my personal finances, and I was really desperate for $200 USD for a medical treatment. I haven't ever asked them for help ever since, and I hate them for that time, because both of my parents have a lot of cash, the just hate my girlfriend.If you ask your parents for help, they will do it for you, not for your family member, and they will refer it until they die just like my parents will do.You have two options:#1 Work your *ss out of the situation, and take the long road.#2 Take the shortcut, and be prepared for being lectured the rest of your life for doing a selfless act for a family member. #3 Consists on doing #2, and if it fails, do #1 , which is what I did. Lastly, it talks a lot about who you are when you are genuinely interested in helping a relative. Sometimes, from the most toxic families the most emphatic children are born, just like you and me.I wish you the best luck!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 June 2017):
 You seem to have kept your letter deliberately vague, whether to protect yourself or you family member is unclear.
Your parents might be all you describe, but they don't have crystal balls, are they aware of the family member's situation? Has anybody approached them for assistance? Could there be valid reasons for their refusal to help?
You also need to be frank and honest with the person you are helping. They may have avenues and access to assistance that you are unaware of. You also need to take care of yourself first, because if you dont take care of YOU how will you be able to take care of others?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2017): Forget your parents...why stress when you know they will not help.You have computer access so start looking for state and federal help.You know in the usa you can get paid by the government if you care for an I'll relative? You can also get paid vacation and the government will send a worker to replace you even for a few hours break.Drug companies give free meds to those who are low income also.Contact social services in your area...they will assign your I'll relative a social worker who can help you with free services.Do not spend your money get your reative in the system and get the things your relative needs without spending your cash.Remember caretaker burnout is real and take breaks by getting a caretaker from the state.Good luck and stay strong once you find all the free services life will get easier.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (28 June 2017):
Hi I agree with the first couple of posters, that we need a little more information..
Who is this family member? If she's a relative of yours I assume she's a relative of theirs too. If you don't get on with your parents, is there any reason why this relative can't appeal directly to them herself? (You say you haven't discussed this with your parents so, of COURSE they won't help if they have NO CLUE there's a problem.)
And what help is it exactly that you have to do for this relative?
Do you have to pay for expensive medical treatment or equipment such as chemo or wheelchairs?
Do you have to physically help them to wash and dress and feed them meals?
Do they require social support such as frequent rides to hospital appointments or someone to pick up their prescriptions and groceries?
Do they require financial support to pay for rent and food because they aren't working?
Do they require company, guidance and constant reassurance due to their illness?
If the only "care" you provide is the last two - please, please make sure that your relative is actually ill and not simply malingering and taking you for a ride. Perhaps that is why the burden has fallen solely to you to care for this family member - because other relatives have wised-up and withdrawn support and this relative KNOWS you're the type of person who won't say no.
I don't see why this relative of yours can't appeal to your parents herself? After all - they must be family too.
And I don't see why YOU should feel judged if you ask your parents for help in this situation. You're not asking for YOURSELF but on behalf of another family member. It doesn't reflect at all on your adequacies as a human being.
Have you checked out whether your relative is entitled to any government assistance while she is sick?
I don't know what it's like in USA but in the UK there are many charities which offer practical support for people with long-term illness (such as prescription delivery, transport to hospital appointments etc) and many offer emotional support for carers as well as suffers. Some churches will also be very helpful with both practical and emotional support.
Why can't you tell your relative that you are struggling to continue to support her? Perhaps, if you're honest, you can come up with a practical solution together.
What does your therapist think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2017): I think you have to look after yourself. It is wonderful you are helping a family member but at the end of the day if you are barely getting by, you need to stop what you are doing reassess your situation.I watched a documentary recently on homelessness and I came across a story where a young man ended up living on the streets because of the money he spent trying to help his Mother (who passed away because of an illness) I'm not saying this will happen, but it sounds like you are working non-stop and spending a majority of your money on this family member's health.It's a shame you have harsh, selfish parents. I know the feeling, I am in a similar situation with my parents. It's a sad reality, but don't even think of going to them for help because they will most probably refuse. Is there another family member you can turn to?Please try to make changes in your current situation.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 June 2017):
 Who is the family member? What is wrong with him? Why won't your parents help? What did you do before that keeps being thrown back at you in arguments?
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A
female
reader, mishi 1 +, writes (28 June 2017):
 Hi there, if you don't mind may I asking you who is the family member?
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