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anonymous
writes: I have been with a guy who is 15 years older than me for 6 years. I got with him when I was 17, and I ended up moving in with him within 3 months of us seeing each other, it was a complicated situation, I felt like I was being forced into it. Anyway, we stayed together, had our ups and downs, but became really good friends in our relationship and in January this year we bought a house together after renting for so long. In March, he proposed to me and I accepted, but then I had doubts. I felt that I didn't love him enough, and then as time went on and I thought about it more and more, I realised I couldnt be married to this man as I never really truly loved him. Anyway, at our engagement party, I knew it was all wrong, and I got a little drunk, and ended up crying in the toilet to my best friend saying I didn't love him and I didn't know what to do. After the party, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and I moved out... he phoned me in floods of tears saying he wanted to kill himself and he couldn't go on living in 'our' house alone, so I agreed to move back in until we have done the house up. So I have been living with him again, he is trying his best to be nice to me and be the person he never was, but I am too far past that, and I keep telling him I don't want him to do that, and we are trying to avoid arguments as much as possible. We are still sleeping together because it is too difficult to live in the same house and not, but I feel like I am frozen in time. I so much want to get on with my life, I even have a house in mind that I want to rent, but I don't know how best to do it now. Please can anyone give me any positive advice / hope / help? Thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): i know how you are feeling I am going through a similar situation it's hard it's mentally and emotionally draining too. At the Moment I am not coping either, he just makes me feel so guilty and worth nothing at the same time, I have no confidence left and constantly feel weak and the worse of it it my kids sense it, but there is a little voice somewhere within me sayin you'll get through, there is only so much you can take.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): love yourself leave l
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your comments, it is such a huge help. I do feel that every day that passes, it becomes clearer in my mind what I need to do and I do long to be alone for a while, to be independant, then as Jadzial127 said, I can give my all to a relationship. It is a scary situation that I am in and some days I have thought I will just stay to keep the peace, but I know if I do that, I will never truly be happy and he will never truly get the love that every person deserves in a relationship.
LisaG, thank you for your help also. He wasn't horrible to me, I guess he is just a very selfish person and since we have been together, he has been getting what he wants out of life and doing his own thing and I have been tagging along and encouraging him, without noticing that I am never getting anything that I want out of life and when I try, he discourages me... however, since moving back, he has changed that, but like I said, it isn't enough for me anymore, I don't think I will be truly happy until I am alone.
To the annonymous reader, thank you, I am sorry you have gone through all that, it helps to know that there are other people in my situation and have come out at the other end and are doing ok.
Ne'cee, thank you for your help also. I know it is a big thing to throw away a relationship, but I feel I have given my all to the relationship since we got together, but my love for him has just disintegrated, to the point where I now no-longer find him attractive and struggle to have a conversation with him without getting bored or disagreeing with him.
You have all truly been a great help, and whenever I am feeling weak, I will come back here and read your comments and words of wisdom! I will also keep posting to let you know how I am progressing, then who knows, maybe it will help someone else. xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006): hi dear, i feel that i am also now in the same situation as you are, i even have a son with my ex' the only problem is he want to marry me but he cant because he still married to his wife and can not do anything to devorce his wife. before im also hoping for him to marry me for real' we also shared lots of things we even buy a house and car, id been with him for a long time more than 8 years hahaha its not a joke' but i think i dont love him enough, thats the point' i feel im being force by him by way of being nice to me controling me using his emotion' so when i go separate from him since were not really married he also tell me that he will kill him self and blah blah' at first i was feeling so guilty i always blame my self that i made a mistake to left him, and just stay with him even were not married and dont love him enough.., i am now 3 years separated from him and i tell you what he still bothering me' very very emotional' and what i only do is' i always think' its better to be alone than being with a man who i dont love, its not fair that he is happy and im not happy, life is short i think i have also a right to find my self a real happiness. sweety' give time for your self, you are doing fine, dont force your self' you dont deserve it. this is your life you have a right to do what ever you wanna do for it. trust me. just always take care......
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reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (4 November 2006):
 You need time to stand on your own two feet before you get married.
You went from being a teenager to an adult relationship before trying out the adult world yourself. You skipped this step in growing up by getting involved with this older man. This is the step so many people talk about with fond and scary memories. This step in life is for us to face the world alone and make it work. It is what lets us know we can make it without anyone.
You need at least a year to yourself, to support yourself, and to go through all the holidays by yourself. If he loves you he will let you go. If your love is true you will be back in his arms and happy to get married.
After such time is taken you will have a life without him, if you choose to get married then you will know it is because you love him enough to share your separate life with him.
If someone skips this step it makes them a weaker partner in a married couple.
If he won't let you go and threatens suicide call the police. He will get the suicide help he needs and you can get out of the situation. Don't let his mind games control you from doing this very important step in your life. Don't back down!
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reader, LISAG +, writes (4 November 2006):
 If you already have a house in mind that you want to rent alone and you want to get on your life, like you say, i think you have already made up your mind. I know you won't regret moving on from this relationship. It sounds like he's holding you back. You're only 23, he's 38 and he's emotionally blackmailing you. Anyone who says they want to kill themselves has problems full stop - let alone suggesting it's because of you leaving them! You are prob. staying with him at the moment because of the complications and you are bound to feel guilty about leaving. The fact that you say "he's trying his best to be nice to me" makes me think he's often horrible to you ? Is this right ? You say you felt "forced" at the beginning, this should've been a warning signal for you, but you were very young then and you still are. He sounds controlling to me. You say again you had "doubts about the proposal", doubtful thoughts are there in the back of the mind to protect us from doing things we're not sure of. It would probably have been best to have turned him down then really, because I know that if the man of my dreams proposes to me tomorrow, I will be falling over myself in joy - doubt wouldn't even come into it. I would have finished with him the moment I started having regular doubts. I totally understand how I think you are having to "keep the peace" at home and sleeping in the same bed etc.. as this just stops him being rejected & stops arguments too prob. You have bought a house with this guy which is a pretty big comittment and I'm very sure he wants to be with you forever, but you've already made it quite clear you want out. You've been with him a long while which makes it even harder to branch out alone, but I think you must. Especially as you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. 17-23 are the years when you should've been out meeting new people, experiencing different men and what they have to offer. You have missed that and the minute you get brave and out there you will realise what you've been missing. This older guy knows that secretly, no wonder he's trying to keep you all to hiself. At the end of the day we have to think about number one and you will prob. maybe still keep this man as a friend, he'll eventually move on, dont feel guilty at all - it's your life no one else's, make the best of it, crying at your engagement party should be crying for joy not crying in misery. Good luck to you, it'll be hard to start with but you'll thank yourself when you look back. Start living again ! xxx
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reader, Ne'cee +, writes (3 November 2006):
 I feel that a dead end relationship is a relationship that does not progress, which is not the case here. He is moving forward and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. I think that you know that this man loves you truly and I think that you truly love this man but may be afraid of marriage right now because the fact of the matter is marriage is long term and your much younger than he is and your not sure if there are other things that you want to experience before being married. Maybe you should call off the marriage to ease some of the pressure and go from there, just throw your relationship away because you're afraid. Good Luck
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