A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:So,confused..just left my boyfriend of 4yrs because I just found out he cheated on me for the 3rd time. He said the reason he did that was because I had a lot to do with it,being that I moved out from his apartment and into mine..kept on breakin up with him.can't forget the reasons we've had problems we're because he's violent and physical abusive it was just last september when he choked me he said he never meant it..I know he's not good for me but he has a couple of good qualities.he's been calling me telling me that I should think it over cuz if I was to give him another chance and give him a child that he would be the best man..I have two boys ages 14 and 8 who r not his..why am I actually thinkin about what he said about giving this another try..I really think he can't change but everytime I hear him speak I start to think about our relationship. What is my problem? Can a person like that really change
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cheated on me, moved out, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Please get away from him asap. You have co-dependent traits that pull you closer to this abuser, it is self-destructive. You must change yourself and start taking care of yourself and learn to love yourself. You must think about the kids, they will learn what they see.
Read this, this hopefully helps you to understand more what britt429 already explained.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
And please do not get into another relationship without figuring out the real you and the causes that make you "want" to be with abusers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): You're normal, he is not! You know he won't change, but the unknown is far more scary than what's the norm for you! It's all about mind control...you hear his voice and it's familiar and comfortable (like an old pair of smelly sneakers)
You have two boys who are at an impressionable age. Do you want them growing up thinking it's okay to abuse your wife? And no matter how much they hate what he is doing to you, if they witness it for any amount of time, they will do it too! My stepson lived with us from the age of 12 to 16. He hated how his father treated me. He used to talk about the two of us running away from his dad. Well he is 27 now and has been in prison for attempted murder on his girlfriend! Everything he hated about his father, he has become! Just like my husband and his father!
You have become a victim and as any victim of crime, you need therapy. Please get the help you need. I wasted 16 years of my life in an abusive relationship. Sixteen years I can never get back. The only good that came out of that is this website and my passion to help other women to see the reality of the situations they are in! For your sons sake, get the help that is out there for you! You have been in a dysfunctional abusive relationship, you need support of a professional to stay strong and fight the impulses to take him back! I know how painful it is. I know how you cry yourself to sleep at night. I know how much you want him to change...so much that you begin to believe he will change, but he won't! And every time you take him back he will gain more control. He will use the break-up as an excuse to be angry. He will turn it all around so you believe it was all your fault. He will make promise that he will never keep! He may even promise to get help himself, but he won't! You will get to the point that you are afraid to come home, not knowing what kind of mood he is in. You will walk on eggshells around him, bending over backwards not to make him angry. But you will make him angry anyway! But in reality it's not you! If you are not around, someone else will make him angry! Trust me, I know! I know all too well! Don't tell yourself he will change. Be strong, have the courage to get away from him, before you turn around and realize you are getting old, and you wonder where did your life go.
You deserve so much more! Don't sell yourself short. Don't believe the abusive lies he has told you!
Every time I answer a question about abuse, I can't help but wonder "will this be the one that doesn't survive?" I don't want you (or any woman) to become a tragic statistic!
Good Luck,
Britt
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