A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I having been married to my alcoholic depressed husband for almost 14 years. We have two children, hefty debt, and he has lost 3 jobs in 3 years. He refuses to get proper help ( he was in and out of AA). He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does about once every month it is terrible and has devasting affects on all of us. To top it all off, he uses it to punish me. My sister took me to a concert for my birthday and he called me all night trying to make me feel guilty then he took a whole bottle of blood pressure medication causing me to have to rush him to the hospital. He then left the hospital on his own and I had to pick him up when he was walking home and coherce him back to be admitted.Why would he feel justified in punishing me-- the only person who has ever loved him (his entire family has passed on so me and the children is all he has--which is another reason I feel wrong about leaving him) Last summer I had brief affair - not trying to justify things- but a friendship turned sexual. I felt guilty, and called it off, but now I miss that person who made me feel good for the first time in years. I was afraid we would be found out, and my husband would drink and do something horrendous to him and me. He never found out, so I have tried to make a go of this marriage once again only to find myself so deeply upset by the way he makes me feel and the danger he is to my children. I am trying to understand if there is any hope in all of this or are my efforts fruitless? If I kick him out, he will try suicide again or do something awful and dangerous-- he will also lose his job again putting me and the children out of our house. I already work 2 jobs- a full time and part time job just trying to make ends meet. Is there any hope for him mentally or is he too far gone to ever be right?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you.
An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb.
Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children.
But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
If you are afraid for your safety or have been beaten by your partner:
* Dial 911 or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224.
Help for Abused and Battered Women
Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Sorry but this is classic domestic abuse. He is totally controlling your behaviour and that of your family by the way he is acting. You live in fear of what he will do to himself, you and your children and no one should have to live like that. There are plenty of agencies who can support you through the process of moving away from this abusive relationship. The Police should have a family support department of some form that deals with domestic abuse just for a start. Remember he chooses to drink you dont pour it down his throat therefore it is his choices that are making you make these life decisions. Get help, regain control of your life and be happy.
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