A
male
age
51-59,
*tch
writes:Oh please tell me I didn’t lose my best friend!My Venus, a 12 year plus divorced 46 years old with two boys. Me, a 41 never married guy nor one to date a great deal either. She’s a very successful and intelligent gal who made her way in the business world. She has her Masters and a personal drive that even got her a black-belt in the martial arts at 44. Me, umm well lets just say I’ve been stuck in middle management and have floundered around for way too long, albeit very good at my job, just not so good at life! We met through mutual friends and the beginning of a wonderful (mostly) relationship began! It was a relationship that could be considered semi-long distance as well. Throughout the relationship we would only see each other on the weekends as it was a two hour drive. More about that later.Thus began a whirlwind of fun! Almost immediately she began to have an impact on me. She was so successful and down to earth and here I was wondering how I was so damn’ lucky that she would want anything to do with me? I knew I had to change my ways if I was going to keep up with her figuratively later to find out literally.Within three month of dating, I was flying her off to Paris! In the 1st three years of dating, I flew her all over the world on some great vacations! We only ate in the finest restaurants and stayed at nothing less than 4 star accommodations. Holidays, were always full of little blue boxes and expensive gifts. We went on more road trips that you can shake a stick at, and through all of this we were both very happy. She enjoyed all of this attention because no one including her ex ever did things for her like I did. I enjoyed this as well as I’m a very giving person who truly enjoys giving. We enjoyed each others companionship over the weekends however during the week, it was difficult at best. Being that we were in a long distant relationship, the phone was very important to me but not to her. Many a discussion that sometimes led to arguments was had on this issue. In reflection, there was some truth on both sides. I used to get so irritated when I thought she was not appreciative of the things (big and small) that I did for her. I always put a great deal of energy and thought into our relationship and very rarely (or so I thought) did I see the same in return. You could say it was a 70%-30% ratio. Enter the ex husband in the second year of our relationship for court litigation for the custody of the boys! At this point, our relationship was not about us but rather the ex and the child custody battle. This guy was a piece of work and turned my gal into a wreck. So much so, that she had to take anti-depressants and see counseling just to cope. I stood by her side all through this not complaining once. . .until the very end. Those little blue pills she had to take killed off any intimacy that we had. Enter yet another mistake by me. I should have tried harder. As I reflect, this is what she wanted more than anything else. I really screwed up on this facet of our relationship.By last September, the wheels fell of the cart. She said she needed space which I gave her. In November, my Dad passed and she wasn’t their for me even though she knew I was down their to say goodbye. We got back together in December before the holidays. I’m not sure that we ever really talked about the issues on the table . . . I tried to initiate intimacy between us to no avail. It got to the point that I had to ask for hugs?! I think from December through yesterday was just a rut and or going through the motions for her. From my point of view, I tried everything to break through the wall she put up. But it was so hard when Christmas came and their was no gift for me. It was hard for Valentines Day to come and go without a card. Finally, the knife that went straight through my heart, she’s off for two weeks in Europe with a girlfriend/co-worker a to place we both talked about going to. I suppose that if we were on stronger ground, I’d be okay with this.Although we’ve talked about our issues in the past, either we were to stubborn or we were not listening to each other? Last night we chatted at length last night face to face:From her point of view: I have no life or interests outside of her which to a certain point, is correct. She doesn’t want to feel bad when she wants to do things with her friends during our time on the weekends. Remember when I mentioned that we were in a semi-long distance relationship? Well I promised to move down closer to her this June when my lease was up. Why didn’t I do it sooner? Was it because I wasn’t ready? Probably. Now that I’m very serious about this gal and want to marry her, it maybe too damn’ late. Thus her comment, “we’re in different time zones” She says that she was in my place 2-3 years ago and now she’s thinks that she’s moved on. Although she said this, I didn’t comment on it. From my point of view, she was a complete mess related to her ex and the custody battle 2-3 years ago which never came to pass.From my point of view: We met at the right time, the right place, and for the right reasons! Our meeting was not happen-chance but part of a larger picture (I believe). I was there for her during some very difficult times. She got the chance to be treated like a queen and saw what she had been missing in life. I was also a very good influence on her boys and taught them through example how to treat a lady and that their father may have not been right in his examples. She has told me on more than one occasion that she seen dramatic changes in the boys and she credits me for this. For me, I got the chance to truly love someone, something that I never really experienced prior to meeting my Venus. I could look through all of her faults and issues and see my very best friend and someone who could have been my soul mate.So where does this all end? Well simply put, I screwed up and have let a great gal get away. Because I wasn’t sure if she was the right one, I didn’t do some things that I should have. I should have thrown caution to the wind and moved closer a long time ago. I should have focused more on her needs for intimacy when she really needed it. What was I thinking??? Does she love me you ask? No doubt about it! Is she in love with me? I dunno??The options presented last night were 1. To say our goodbyes 2. No contact for an undefined period of time. 3. I don’t remember as I was in shock after point two but I remember that I didn’t like it. I remember saying “your chasing away a guy that really loves you”, she said “I know”, I said “I’ll take option #2 and will not say good bye”, We then hugged for a very long time, we both cried and I walked out the door. As I drove away, I had the weight of the world bearing right down on my chest! I wonder if she finally had a huge weight lifted off her shoulders?? As I write this, I’m still struggling with everything that has happened and wonder if we will ever see each other again? Will we want to too?? Did I just lose my very best friend??
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, divorce, got back together, her ex, his ex, period, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Itch +, writes (8 May 2007):
Itch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Maverick!
Thanks for taking the time to post a response to my letter (albeit a little rough), it IS appreciated. You have given me great cause for great introspect about myself and genuine concern for the man that I would like to be. Before I get to the insightful thoughts that you shared, I’d like to clear up a point or two . . . .if I may. I’m sure that you realize that it’s impossible to condense a 4 year relationship into few paragraphs on a post. So let me answer your concerns directly. . . and QUICKLY:
1. First: It was not me that gave the ultimatum of three options! If you remember, I said:
a. “The options presented last night were 1. To say our goodbyes 2. No contact for an undefined period of time. 3. I don’t remember as I was in shock after point two but I remember that I didn’t like it.”
i. If you look at option #3 it should be clear that I was the recipient not the giver. Personally I would not have handled this situation between my gal and myself in the same way.
2. Second: “offering to move closer to her.”
a. This was something that my gal wanted and frankly I wasn’t ready for . . . or so I thought! They say hindsight is 20/20 and I should have made the effort! There was no pressure from me on her to do this. In hind-sight, I should have made the effort! I went from driving 1 ¼ hour each way to work to less than 5 minutes. In hind-sight, knowing what I know now, the 1 ¾ - 2 hour drive to my new job would have been worth not losing her.
3. Third: You mentioned “obsession and clingy-ness”
a. That is way off base! Given the fact that I gave her the space she required without question. Even to the point that when my Dad died, I respected her wishes. In the time I chatted with her (Between September though December) I chatted (phone) with her 2 or 3 times in spite of the fact that I was dealing with a major loss. Further more, if I was that clingy as you suggest, point number two would have been mute as I would have moved down to her area a long time ago. To your point however, the phone was VERY important to me! If wanting to talk with her every day or two than I ‘m guilty as charged!!
4. Fourth: You made mention of “Overall it appears that you have not made much valid emotional contribution to your relationship”
a. Before you spout something like this off, you need to know that I carried my sweetheart in my arms out of the hospital as a bloody mess to her home! I washed her bloody clothes and bed linens (with swollen eyes)!
b. I stood by her side through a messy situation as it relates to her messy divorce and the custody of her boys!
c. To your point however, I did screw up in several areas of our relationship as I mentioned. I did not try hard enough in the intimacy area even though the cards were stacked up against me (her anti- depressants).
The above four points are areas that I wanted to cover immediately and to make sure that there are no mis –conceptions! However, you did make some very valid points that I need to come to terms with such as:
1. “Have you considered that you may have developed a relationship at a time with her when she felt vulnerable and that’s it?”
a. This is very true! When you’re in a relationship with a gal who is very successful (more than both you and I put together) it would not surprise me!! This is very type of gal that I want to be around! I want to be around someone who is going to help push me to be a better man than I am!
2. You mentioned: “She doesn't strike me as someone who needs an intimate relationship to carry on with her life - but you do.”
a. You are 100% correct in this statement. “My sweetheart doesn’t need someone to make it through life (at least on the surface)” . . . . and yes I do! You know what . . .I’m not ashamed of this fact either. They say behind every great guy is an even greater gal!! Not only is this a “saying”, I can see this first hand between my father and mother and they did it right for almost 50 years!
3. After all is said and done your words “WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU FOR A RELATIONSHIP?”
a. I’m thinking very hard about this! I want to be around a gal that is top shelf (and I had it)! I also want to be on equal ground (with her as well) so that I can contribute and push her as much as she can push me to to bigger and better things. I just seemed that I forgotten about this fact over the past 4 years. I will not make this same mistake again!!
Maverick for 22 years old you are more mature than you age suggests, but I think you need to hold back just a little bit. You’ve jumped to conclusions about me and this situation that are way above your experience and age. You need to understand that with some folks that you write responses to . . . .you could have a major impact . . . . Especially in a forum such as this. Please measure your words carefully going forward!
Respectively;
Itch
A
male
reader, maverick  +, writes (7 May 2007):
 Hello,Firstly I would like to say thank you for sharing this information. There is a lot to respond to but I will try to reduce the response.Overall it appears that you have not made much valid emotional contribution to your reltaionship with her. She has appeared to gotten bored and finds you no longer stimulating.This seems apparent from your chasing of her, through buying expensive gifts, taking her on vacation abroad etc. Gifts work but only used rarely. Here yo can be seen by her to be buying her love, or trying to compensate for your own relationship flaws. You also seem to be very constricting and suffocation by making "our time" for what appears every weekend and you did add an extreme amount of pressure on her by offering to move closer to her. She would be conciencious of how she was becoming responisble for the actions someone else was making for their life - let alone her two children! You also put on so much pressure on her by giving her an ultimatum of 3 options.The nail on-the-head point seems to be during her court proceedings with her ex. I speak as someone who had a girlfriend who dealt with being sexually assaulted. I provided her emotional support and friendship through out the process she was going through and her counselling and we were in a successful relationship for 2 years after.Following her valid point that you "have no life or interests outside of her which to a certain point, is correct" this is pretty much the underlying point to everything else. Your following behaviour displays signs of obbsession and clingy-ness - which is unhealthy.You've also provided a very useful piece of infomation that she says she's moved on from how she was 2-3 years ago. You say she was a mess? Have you considered that you may have developed a relationship at a time with her when she felt vulnerable and thats it? From you description of her she seems like a n alpha-woman - professional, successful, black-belt, two kids... all by herself? Impressive. She doesn't strike me as someone who needs an intimate relationship to carry on with her life - but you do.You're line of thinking towards the end is a bit skew-with with the various questions.Does she love you/in-love with you? Will you ever see each other again? Will you want to? Did you just lose you best friend?The questions you are asking are all dancing around the issue. WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU FOR A RELATIONSHIP? You need to make yourself a better guy. A confident guy, who does have his own life and interests. Who has some direction in his personal and professional life. He can look after himself, is good with people, has a send of humour and can communicate - not talk but actually communicate with people. Develop more experience dating, study realtionships and psychology. As you say you've hardly had much experience of relationships.You will need to become a better man - for your sake and the sake of any future relationships. As a starting point I recommend studying Aristotles 12 Virtues. Also, out yourself on an internet dating site.Understand that you CAN be a great man... and that is what attracts others and keeps them with you.
...............................
|
