A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know what a pain it is to read long questions. But I really need help from some mature smart people!So… I met my girl, we were 22 finishing school, dated a few months, broke up, we stayed friends; started seeing each other again casually in the middle of 06. We were intimate with each other and were spending a lot of time together. I was still in limbo… also having fun being out of school and doing my own thing. Well, one night she told me that she couldn’t do the casual thing anymore and wanted more. I responded in a very immature way and said I wasn’t ready or seeing anything serious with us. I didn’t think anything of it; I figured she would be mad at me for a bit but would hang out again. In the coming days I would call her, she wouldn’t tell me where she was. Turns out she was with one of my “supposedly” best friends at the time. I didn’t know how to react. I got very jealous; but brushed it off like I didn’t care. After I confronted them both about it, I didn’t want to look like I was angry, hurt or betrayed..so we ended up trying to go out one night all together…I ended up getting very drunk and making a fool of myself; trying to take her hand and talk to her and tell her she still wants me etc…. One of my other friends intelligently got my out of there and we went to another bar where I proceeded to get angry in a drunken combination of hurt feelings from this girl and from losing my first serious gf ;and got arrested. Yes I know you probably think I am some weirdo, but it happened to me.So after all that, a few weeks went by and I didn’t talk to either of them. I was done with them. But I just kept missing her. I don’t know if I was just lonely; but I felt like I was in love with her. I got in contact with her and she told me she broke it off with my friend and that she figured I would never want anything to do with her. We ended up jumping right back into a serious relationship. I never was able to forget about what happened, after a couple months I wanted to break up. We would talk about it, and she would apologize, and I would try to understand that she was hurt at the time and made a mistake. I did understand it…but I just never got over the embarrassment of it all. I thought maybe with time it would fade away. Well its been 2.5 years and I still think about it everytime we have sex. It has definitely gotten easier but I still think about it. It doesn’t ‘hurt’, but its like an annoying dent on your car that you know is no big deal and no one cares about it…but it bothers you! I still think about how all my circle of friends know what happened, and I get embarrassed. When we talk about marriage; I think about everything I like about her and what a great wife she would make. But then I think about how I would never be fully proud to marry her, how I don’t think I will ever be “truly” happy with knowing what happened. Lately in the last few months, Ive been picturing myself with another girl, with a clean slate. Where I don’t have to feel uncomfortable when in group conversation the name of the backstabbing friend comes up. Where I don’t have to focus so hard on enjoying sex. Sometimes I can go weeks without any interest in having sex with her. Yet, I am looking at other girls, and reminiscing about my prior gf. I don’t find myself physically attracted to my current girl all the time. But what I am afraid of is if these are just normal long term relationship feelings…ya know when you’ve been together a while and everything kind of dies down. Maybe I am just bored? Or do I genuinely need to make a change here. I am terrified of a change, im 26 and don’t want to be single or try to meet anyone. I know it sounds great the idea of a clean slate, but is that realistic? Should I be happy that I have someone? I look back at my 1st relationship (I have had 2) and I remember being bored and repetitive. I was young and I wanted out to “meet new people” ( I have always regretted ruining my 1st relationship) but I always remember being very attracted to her all the time(Please keep in mind I was an immature 20 year old). Since Ive let everything out to you all I might as well let out another embarrassing moment; for the first time ever I actually went soft in the middle of sex. I have never done that, even in the most boring sex with my 1st gf that has never happened to me. Does this lack of phsysical attraction mean something or am i just shallow? Am I shallow and immature to be so consumed with something that was a mistake? Has anyone experienced these feelings? From a man’s point of view is this just some possessive caveman type of attitude where I don’t want anyone (especially some one I was close with) to have been intimate with my woman? I know any other girl will have been with other people, and I know my gf has been with others… but they don’t bother me…why is that? Am I being too conservative about sex? Its funny when I was in my early 20s I thought that the guys who were out there (supposedly) getting laid all the time were so awesome. That having casual sex wth a bunch of girls was the way to live life fully. But now after all this and as I get older; I find sex very important. I used to think religion was keeping us from “enjoying the party” but now I see the hurt its trying to protect us from…well some of us at least. I know sex can be fun and casual…to each his own. I see now that “hooking up” is not for me and never will be. And Im ok with that. Maybe im just too possessive or maybe I should be living in the 50’s!Can anyone help or relate with these feelings Im having. Will it be a mistake to let this relationship go down the tubes? Can anyone explain what is going on with me? I don’t want to wake up a few years from now and say “wow I really should have changed my way of thinking and worked it out with her”. But I also don’t want to wake up a few years from now and realize that I shouldn’t be in the relationship. Im so sorry how long this got! I need some help, I feel like I have no one to talk to and get some real advice! Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): I think you should see other girls for a change. :/ Or maybe go out with your current girlfriend & save the sex after you marry. (:
I don't think you should casually have sex with all your girlfriends. From whatever you've been saying, I can tell your a loyal guy. (and thats good) You probably don't have any feelings for your current girlfriend anymore. So, therefore taking a break might help you find your true feelings again.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 April 2009):
 You're whole question leads to one answer. It depends.....
How do you really feel about her? Were you together while she was with your friend? You're in a relationship filled with pain, and guilt. You guys need to overcome this. One was is to sit her down, and without her talking tell her exactly how you feel, and how this "mistake" has affected you.
Although she may have been hurt before, I don't see her actions as being a mistake. Was she there? Did she understand what she was doing? Did she participate? A mistake is an oops. Unless two people are naked, one trips and lands on the other, the oops is missing.
You're lack of attraction toward her is everything wrapped up, and the increased view of this situation. You're viewing her as what she did and not who she is.
I recommend counseling. You need to fully understand the truth, before you can develop a method to move past this. The truth, such as, their is a difference between feeling guilty for an action, and making a mistake. Taking responsibility for actions is important. Saying it's a mistake is the same as saying "I did it, but it's not my fault."
You two really need to communicate more. I feel a big reason all this is happening now is you have a lot of questions which remain unanswered. As long as they do, you'll continue finding it difficult to move past this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): you need along break away from any girl for a while. i am confused now. just kidding. i feel like you should take a break and see how you feel with her or anyones not in your life as a g/f. you need to breath first of all. take alittle me time to figure out what you truly want in life. right now you have no idea what or where you want to go in life. good luck
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