A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I had a bad fall out with a guy who I discovered was two timing me. He got annoyed because I found out a lot of things about him and made sure people knew about it and so understandably he blocked me! Two years later - I have moved on with my life and barely think of him - until a friend of mine mentioned him chatting up some new woman, the other day. I tried to look him up out of interest and guess what!? I'm still blocked!! Even after all this time!!Now - I know I can be quite vocal sometimes - but so can lots of other people - but they seem to keep in touch with their ex's after bad fall outs. The thing is - I really have no malice towards him - whereas I know other women do - yet it's ME he hates or seems scared of! I know I'm a bit of a marmite character and people either love me or hate me for whatever reasons - but where did it all go wrong? I just wish we could make our peace one day. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): Thanks YouWish x
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 August 2016):
 It is *not* him that you need forgiveness from. You only need forgiveness from YOURSELF. Like other people said - he's the one who needs to make amends, not you.
You going too far in your impulsive response is not a thing that requires amends from HIM. To gain your closure and to forgive yourself, you only need to LEARN from this. Mark my words, the most profound lessons we tend to learn are the hardest ones, the most painful ones, and the ones we tend to regret.
You will make amends with yourself by using what happened in the past to improve yourself, to better yourself, and to find someone who isn't such an amoeba. You've already taken your first step in being self-aware. That's half the battle. The other half is to take this lesson and work on the impulsiveness that gets you into trouble. Love and forgive yourself. Then move on, turn the page, and shut the book on this chapter in your life. Don't look back!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): If he was two timing you, he was clearly a jerk and it shouldn't matter one way or another who he dates.
You shouldn't have started a smear campaign against him. He's still mad about that.
It's possible you'll cross his mind again someday and he'll unblock you. But it's also possible that bridge is annihilated and he will never look back.
Maybe you will run into him someday and you two can talk. In the meantime, keep moving forward and be happy and let things unfold as they should.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Hold on but why would you be making amends? OP he is the one that cheated on you. Why on earth would you feel you need to apologize, it sounds like he done you a favor blocking you, if you are going to say sorry for telling people he cheated on you. You need more confidence. You need to see that he was in the wrong not you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): Thanks for all the answers. To YouWish - yes I would write if I could - but I no longer know where he lives & the people who knew him wouldn't tell me anyway & I wouldn't trust them to pass on a letter, as they all knew what was going on. So I'm afraid I'm just stuck like this. Like I said - I am over him & hardly think of him these days, until he was mentioned, just wish he could let me make amends. OP
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Life is not so " marmite " actually , so either /or. There are a lot of other things between hate and love ( or friendship ), for instance dislike ... or total indifference.
" Hate " is such a big word for such a " tempest in a teapot " drama. I am pretty sure that he has forgiven you, in the sense in which you use the word: of not bringing you any malice, or not wishing you ill, or not holding pointless grudges.
But just because you have forgiven people and do not hate them, it does not mean that you wish to stay friends with them ! once that, for whatever reason, you have lost interest and decided to cut them off from your life.
He does not need you as a friend anymore ( nor, obviously, as a partner ) so he did not feel the wish or need to unblock you again and readmit you in his circle of friends. Very normal and logical.
I don't know THAT many people who make an effort to stay in touch with their exes , unless they share kids / financial interests ....or they still carry a torch and hope to reconnect.
Most of the times, it's not a matter of hating the exes, or wanting to punish them, or anything like that. It's just that... life goes on, things change, and in time your human landscape changes too and does not need to contain always the same elements.
You can make your own peace with the past - following your ex's example and deciding that whatever he does ,feels, thinks and wants, simply does not concern and does not interest you anymore.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 August 2016):
OP - thanks for the follow-up. I'm glad you didn't do the public shaming on social media, but it was public shaming nonetheless. I am glad you recognize that you have an impulse issue. Most people either can't or won't face it, and when told they have one, they deny it and "shoot the messenger" who confronted them with it. The fact that you acknowledge it without defensiveness is a mark in your favor as far as I'm concerned.
As for Mr. Cheater, you don't need his forgiveness, and he certainly doesn't deserve yours. Of course, our act of forgiving others is a freeing act in itself. I make it a point never to hold grudges against people, as they are worse on your health than smoking, drinking, and drugs combined as well as a self-containing prison that tends not to hurt the subject of our grudge.
You might be thinking about closure, as I'm certain with you ripping him apart to his friends and his blocking you is an ugly way to end things, and having reflected on it and being in a more mature stage in your life, you may be thinking that you wish you hadn't left things the way they were.
You may be blocked on Facebook, but you never mentioned how long you two were together. If you had a long-term relationship with him, you might try the Old-Fashioned way of reaching out. A straight-up email would work, or if he's blocked you there, do it the Really-Old-Fashioned way and write him a letter, with the paper and the stamp, the way your parents and grandparents did it when dinosaurs walked the earth and Abraham Lincoln was studying law in Illinois. heh.
Just write him, say what is on your mind, and you'll feel better. If you regret going Nuclear on him, say so. I would like to remind you that people don't tend to change, so I would caution you if you're getting all nostalgic about the good points of your relationship with him... people forget childbirth too, but IT HURTS LIKE HELL and usually tears through your perineum like tissue paper!
But it might make you feel better to speak your peace. Good luck if you decide to do that, and be careful if you decide to do that! I know all about you "all or nothing" people...it can get out of your control fast! Just be careful and measured.
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A
female
reader, Let's taco bout it  +, writes (24 August 2016):
I think the important question here is, does it matter?
Things obviously ended badly, you've moved on, he's trying to move on, and therefore it seems a bit unnecessary to stress about whether you're still blocked or not.
Leave it be, and try to understand that some people don't want to be friends with their exes, and theres really nothing you can do about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): OP here. Thanks for the answers.
For YouWish - just to let you know that there was no "public shaming" on Social Media, I just told a few people who knew him what he had done, but he obviously has reacted far worse. You are right about about my impulsiveness though & yes I just have to accept I have burnt my bridges.
Unfortunately living with regret is hard to do - especially is someone is stubborn enough not to forgive you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 August 2016):
 She people get blocked it's very rare for them to find their self being unblocked. There's not really much point to going around and reviewing who you've blocked and whether they need to stay that way is there?
You said you've moved on, so let it be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 August 2016):
You have a really bad habit when it comes to relationships, and you're lucky that it's only resulted in getting permanently banned from an ex's site.
From your words "I know I can be quite vocal at times" and describing yourself as "people either love me or hate me" tells me that you have an impulse control issue.
People may not agree with me on this, but I'm going to come right out and say it:
You went too far in your reaction to his two-timing, and I am someone who despises cheating AND cheaters. My weakness is being too judgmental on that subject, and one of the core memories of my love life was in catching the love of my life (or so my young mind thought) in the ACT of cheating on me. I didn't dig it up or find out via a friend or some love letter. I caught him with her dead to rights. So I know your pain.
You were right in dropping him like a rock. You were right in confronting him and ripping him a new one.
Where you went too far was in trying to punish him with ignominy. You decided to go on a shamefest to shame him to the world. You dug into his world and tried to put him in the social stockade. People like you call ex's employers trying to get them fired, or post old sex tapes in public on a porn site, or tell everyone in his social circle what a small penis he has. Trying to dig up everything you can find on him and tell everyone you can went too far, and he blocked you.
You burned your bridge with him. That in the long run I suspect was a good idea in THIS case, because why would you care what a cheating ex does two years after you left him? Yes, I know you're curious, but affecting a public shaming is something that a perma-ban was called for.
You have to work on impulse control in your life. In a platonic setting, let's say you have an ugly falling out with a best friend of 5 years. While you were best friends, you trusted her with your confidence with things you never told anyone. Not your other friends, not your family, not your spouse. What if after you fell out with her, she starts posting all of the secrets you ever told her on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or any other social media? She never thought about what would happen AFTERWARDS that she lost you as a friend and irreparably burned that bridge for life. Regret or remorse or the fact that she "no longer holds malice" doesn't matter.
You have to think beyond the moment in all of your actions, especially in the social media department where everything is forever. It's one thing to commiserate with your friends about what a two-timing dirty worm of a cheating dog he was. It's another to incite the entire public with every piece of ammo you could possibly dig up.
You are in your 30's now. Lessons like these make us better people. They eventually mature us, to the point where even in the hottest pitch of betrayal, we consider the long-term effects of our actions. Many spouses who lacked maturity go running to their parents after every little fight (he leaves his clothes on the floor! She never does the dishes after I cook) and tell them everything, not knowing the long term damage they're doing to the family relationship, so that even though the stupid little spat blows over and no one's mad, the resentment has built with the people we ran to and told. Yes, I know that's starting to go off-topic, but you wanted to know where it all went wrong.
I wouldn't try to reconnect with a cheater under any circumstances, and never ever consider a public shaming on social media or any other venue for any reason whatsoever, because the effects remain long after the feelings are gone.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Agreed.
I've blocked people (with far less drama) simply because I didn't need them in my life, then forgotten all about them. I don't hate those people either I just have need for them.
Besides, there is a difference between not hating someone and wanting to keep in touch. Wanting to remain friends with someone like him shows a distinct lack of self respect, and your behaviour when you found out about his two timing shows a considerable lack of maturity.
Leave the past in the past.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 August 2016):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim
He probably haven't thought much about since he blocked you. Sort of "out of sight, out of mind".
Doesn't mean he HATES you as you put, he just doesn't want anything to do with you. And maybe that is for the best for BOTH of you as you hopefully both have moved on.
Accept that his way of dealing with getting caught and exposed was to cut you off and KEEP you cut off.
There is nothing there for you so leave him be and let it go.
After all HE is the one who has to live with what he did. So seriously? have the mindset of Who cares!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Its possible that once he blocked you on social media he never gave you another thought, and so never bothered to unblock .... I've got people on my block list who can just stay there, I had reason to block them and no good reason has presented itself to unblock them.
Staying "friends" with ex partners seems pointless to me unless there are children involved. I don't want to be friends with people who hurt me, I am weird that way.
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