A
male
age
36-40,
*anielC1988
writes:My girlfriend is friends with a lesbian. I'm starting to get worried. Am I overreacting?They've become really close. They've been spending a lot of time together. Sometimes, she goes for a girls night out with her friends including her lesbian friend. And, she's the one who always drops my gf home. Other thing that worried me was when she asked my gf if she had ever been with a woman in her life. Idk if she was just being curious or something else was going on. Its like watching my gf spending a lot of time with another guy. Know what I mean?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018): After graduating, I moved to the city where my boyfriend lived. We'd had a long distance relationship for 2 years. I didn't move into his flat, I found my own place. Meanwhile, a friend of his slept on his sofa, for free, for the best part of a year, to clear his college debts.During that year, I became increasingly annoyed by the fact that this male friend was ALWAYS at my boyfriend's place. We could never get any time alone. I also felt that he was extremely 'flirty' with my boyfriend.Long story short, it really stopped my boyfriend and I from 'bonding' properly in this new phase of our lives. Turned out that the male friend already knew he was gay, fancied my boyfriend and was continually 'testing out' how far my boyfriend would go. I found this out - by bizarre coincidence - from a girl I started to work beside when I got a new job. One of her straight, male friends knew the same friend who was sleeping on my boyfriend's sofa for free and he felt as if he was constantly being 'flirted with' even though the two of them had a 'straight' friendship.As soon as he'd paid off his college debts the sofa surfing friend got his own place, quickly amassed a deposit and bought a large flat where he rented out several rooms, becoming a landlord at a very young age. I mention this because the girl I was working with suggested that maybe he was still 'trying to find himself' when he was sleeping on my boyfriend's sofa. But I think he had a plan all along, and knew exactly what he was doing.I still get upset thinking about this. One thing that helped me was years later, meeting a lesbian friend of mine who explained to me a bit about gay male culture. I honestly have no homophobic tendencies and she recognises that in me. BUT she pointed out that people's fear of being labelled as homophobic means that they very often turn a blind eye to a lot of objectionable things about gay culture. For example, she explained that gay men can still behave patriarchally AND can be very misogynistic to women but that people want to believe they represent some form of freedom and acceptance, so rarely call them out on it. She also explained how she had been very exploited by younger lesbian women - she is an extremely giving person and has so many times tried to help younger women who are confused about their sexuality - one occasion saw her take a young woman on holiday and spend a fortune on her, only for the women to dump her immediately afterwards.My point here is that I wouldn't rule anything out. And don't be afraid of being called out for being homophobic. Gay people can be just as ruthless, judgemental and selfish as anyone else - they're not saints just because they're gay.
A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (25 June 2018):
 I would have said relax mate don't worry BUT I have to admit asking if she had ever been with a woman would have me raise an eyebrow of concern that maybe, just maybe she is feeling out the situation. Not cool. Id have a chat with your gf and air your concerns. A girl can be just as much a threat as a guy depending on your gf thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2018):
 Just because her friend is a lesbian and your GF a female doesn't mean that the friend will "automatically" hit on your GF or feel a sexual attraction to her. And IF your GF isn't bi-sexual or CURIOUS about f/f - then what's the problem?
Could you not have a gay male friend without thinking he wants your ass constantly? Or that he might turn you gay?
That is not how it works.
She has a female friend who happens to be a lesbian. That's it. IF you hadn't KNOW that this friend PREFERS women you probably wouldn't worry at all. Not all lesbians (I would say the VAST majority) are NOT aggressive sexually towards straight or bi women. Why would they be?
However since this is something YOU worry about, I think you should talk to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2018): The problem is you KNOW she's a lesbian; and you have a lot of preconceived-notions and prejudices against them.
If she didn't tell you she had a lesbian friend; it would be fine if she went out on lady's-night with her friends.
This really bothers me as a gay person. We can't magically turn a straight-person gay. We can have straight-friends and be strictly platonic. Has she mentioned her friend has ever come-on to her? Do you trust her to reject passes made at her, whether coming from a man or another woman? Being friends with gay people does not make you gay nor gay-curious, sir!
I have straight-friends, and I never come-on to them. Never have, and I never will. We have been friends for years and I've watched their kids grow-up!
Try and control your insecurity. If your girlfriend isn't the cheating-type; a lesbian isn't going to change that.
Maybe she gets a ride from the friend who lives closest?
Obviously, you don't have gay friends; because you fear it would stigmatize you. Welcome to the 21st-century.
The lesbian friend was simply honest and open about her sexual-orientation; she's no threat to you. All the other women and their boyfriends or husbands don't mind. I think the other friends would check your girlfriend; if she wasn't being true to her relationship. Friends will do that.
Talk to your girlfriend. You need some reassurance.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 June 2018):
Sit your GF down and in a non accusatory way tell her how you feel. If she is willing to have an open honest discussion about your concerns good. If she becomes defensive and accuses you of not trusting her, not so good. But it is better to have open dialogue especially if your GF is going to remain friends with this woman.
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