A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well In my group of friends there are a boy and a girl that are really close. The girl really likes the guy but he doesn't like her in that way.However on and off for the past six months hes been using her for sex (at one of these points hes had a girlfriend!). He threatens her not to tell anyone about it all. However she then breaks down and tells us all then he gets mad at her.I've told her several times to get away from him and she just doesn't listen. I'm starting to loose my patience with her and don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (24 June 2011):
you're a good friend for caring for her. And it's natural to feel upset when you're trying to help her out because you're concerned for her well being yet she just doesn't listen and continues to be mistreated. You feel like your words are falling on deaf ears.
while you're definitely doing the right thing of trying to help out a friend in need, however, part of being a friend is to respect that she has the right to make her own decisions and to make her own mistakes and learn and grow from them. And to support her yet without also adding to her distress and holding her back by pushing your view onto her if she is not ready to accept it.
it's a fine line between caring about your friend's well being, versus being too emotionally invested in the outcome to where it makes YOU feel angry or upset when she still doesn't do what you say (for her own good) and that's why you want her to change (so you won't feel so upset and impatient any more). if you're angry and upset at her for not changing, then you're in a way no longer supporting her and she may close herself off to you as a friend and then for sure your help and good intentions wont' be of use to her.
the person who's in a bad situation has to actively want to get out of it. they have to see the light for themselves. All you can do, as a concerned friend, is to give her information and emotional support, and if she asks for it, other kinds of support too. And you have already done that, you've already told her to get away from him. that's all you can do.
If she's not seen the light for herself yet, then making more forceful demands won't help her because she's not ready to accept your help. And, if you get emotionally invested in her doing or not doing what you tell her, then you get upset too and now this doesn't help anyone including her. Because then, she may sense that you're upset and angry and disappointed in her and now she feels she has lost your support and understanding. She may know intellectually that you're only caring about her well being but at the same time she feels that you just don't understand her and are blaming her or judging her so she may just stop being open with you any more and close off the channels of communication. And if that happens then for sure you wont' be of further help to her.
so I would suggest that you continue to tell her what you see and why this situation isn't good for her. But be careful of how you tell her - the words you choose, the tone of voice. Don't be pushy or bossy or demanding, don't be judgmental or scolding. instead try to be sympathetic or neutral in tone and choice of words, just be matter of fact in giving her information about what you see going on, without pressuring her to do what you advise, or making her feel that you're upset at her for not seeing things the way you do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): You can't don anything because she is content with things the way they are. It's her life. She will do something about it when it bothers her enough. Right now she isn't mature enough.
In the meantime don't keep being her emotional crutch. Then you are just enabling her. The sooner she "just can't take it anymore" the sooner she will grow up and respect herself. So stop helping her cope with it. Just tell her that if she doesn't like it then she could stop it any time she wants.
If the guy threatens to tell everyone else what has been going on - so what? Let him tell everyone. Her actions are her responsibility to deal with. If she does not like the consequences to her reputation then she shouldn't have done it.
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