A
female
age
30-35,
*rincess166
writes:This is a long story so I'll try my best to shorten it. I have been in a relationship with a guy for nearly a year now. He won't call me his girlfriend ( I can't sleep over his house or go on trips with him and the fact he was in a 5 yr relationship prior is his reason.. He says he doesn't want to be locked Down) but he says he is commited to me and says he loves me etc. He says i'm pretty much his girlfriend but he never says it. We see each other nearly everyday and the whole weekends. The thing is, I don't drink and he does drugs and smokes. And lately he doesn't see me at night as much as we used to, he says he hasn't seen his friends in a while. This weekend he is going out on both fri and sat to parties and he hasn't even invited me! I always invite him whenever I go out and he always comes. He asked to see me on sat mornig so we could see each oter. I know he doesn't invite me sometimes because he is a real mess when he is drunk and doesn't want me to see it. But I also know for a fact he told me he cheated on his ex twice. And he is a flirt and is in a popular band. This worries when he goes out without me, he says he like me too much to cheat on me but I still have my doubts. Would it be childish to jokingly ask why he doesn't invite me out? I know his housemates and his main friends and his sister but he has made every excuse not to introduce me to his mum or dad. He says because I can be shy he thinks it will be awkward and that he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. I love him very much but Iam starting to feel he doesn't value me as much as I do with him. How can I cope with my insecurities about him? I don't want to lose him at the same time.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 No, it wouldn't be childish to ask why you aren't included on his nights out. The thing that strikes me is that you are willing to tolerate this kind of non-relationship. You're friends with benefits, not boyfriend/girlfriend here, and you might be investing a great deal of time and energy in a relationship that keeps you from meeting other available, suitable, non-drinking, reliable men.
He may be charming, and lovely, and scrumptious, but he won't introduce you to his parents, he leaves you home on the weekends; that's rude. He does drugs, he has a drinking problem, he's a flirt, he's in a band; that's a combination that will almost certainly end up with him being "unfaithful." Though technically, since you aren't his official girlfriend, he can't be considered a "cheater." Perhaps that's why he's so insistent on keeping that label off your relationship. He gets some of the benefits of being with you, presumably sex and a guaranteed date when he cares to be with you, but none of the burdens, which would be nurturing you emotionally, spending time with you on the weekends, taking you out and introducing you to his parents.
Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this. But he doesn't value you as much as you do him. You're a convenience to him. You are living in a fantasy world if you think this is a healthy, balanced relationship. If you can tolerate being treated this way, I do worry for your self-esteem. I, for one, would be out the door. "Sorry, I deserve better than this. It's been fun and I enjoy your company. But I am worth your entire attention, and after a year, you've had time to fix it. Oh and you drink too much and doing drugs is such a loser thing to do. If you can get a grip and shape up your life, I might be available in the future. But until then, I'm off. There are other great guys out there, and I'm going to meet and date them. Buh-bye."
Take care of yourself, because he's not going to. It's not in his current job description.
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