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anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend get on fantastic. We are really in love, but then he goes out with his mates a lot and gets very drunk. He turns into a nasty person towards me when I confront him about drinking and he shouts abuse at me and tells me to "fuck off". This happens a few times a week! So many times I've packed and threatened to leave but by the looks of it he does not care, so it don't work! He drinks so much I fear he will become an alchoholic. It's really breaking my heart to see him like this but nothing I do ever makes it better. It's getting me down quite a lot and my feelings for him are changing. It makes me cry all the time and I feel like such a lose. Please give me some advice on what I should do!!! I'm desperate!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): i know exactly what you're going through. my boyfriend is the same way, infact i found this searching for a solution after tonight after he said he would spend tonight with me he decided to get wasted at a friends house and totally left me hanging.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): just leave him alone or try to work out since you realy love him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Hey, I'm going through something similar... how'd you get him to stop drinking so much? Both my boyfriend and I are 25 and he drinks 3 - 4 times a week. I really love him, actually thinking about marrying this guy, but I can't do it if he doesn't take care of his body. ....I want the man I marry to live as long as possible, not do crap out because of liver problems.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): me and my boyfriend have been together a year and i love him so much. he goes out aloads with his mates and i'm scared his got a problem. it upsets me because i'm scared to loose him, we argue about it all time. i cannot cope with it anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): Your not alone i would love to find out how this worked out i guess its been two years since you wrote this. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone else who is going through the same problem or has figured it out. I tried going to al-anon and it didn't help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Hey hun,
The way i see it..you deserve better...a guy shouldnt make you cry..and if ur threatenin to leave him and it seems he doesnt care..well thats enough for u to see..just leave...Staying with him will only make you feel worse and kill your self esteem...If he really loves you..he wont treat you how he does...thats not love hunny..
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 March 2005):
 I can hear from your letter how unhappy you are about the way your boyfriend seems to change when he drinks. But you also need to look seriously at your own feelings and behaviours.Going off your letter only, you start by saying that you and he get on "fantastic" and that you're "really in love", but within a sentence he's nasty and abusive and telling you to F--- off "a few times a week". I can't believe that being told off by a drunken boyfriend who makes you "cry all the time" is your definition of being in love! Re-read your letter. That doesn't sound like any loving relationship I've ever heard of.You also write that you've "packed and threatened to leave" him "many times". This is one of those Ultimatum Ploys that only works if you're willing to carry it through. You either leave him, or you don't. You don't threaten and then not do it, because he doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to work out that, if you didn't do it the last five times you said you would, you're probably not going to leave this time, either. In other words, it's an empty threat and he knows that.You also need to rein in the "confronting" him about his drinking. Confrontation is unnecessary. Did you think you had to point it out to him because he wasn't aware of it? He's drinks to excess and he knows it. He's nasty and abusive to you for several reasons, probably: 1) Alcohol tends to make edgy people edgier and agressive people want to fight. 2) He puts his own fun and the company of his drinking mates ahead of your relationship with him and 3) He may be unhappy about something he doesn't feel capable of handling and is drinking to blot out his feelings. However much you hate it - and whatever harm it is probably doing to his health - his drinking is his business, and you can't nag him into being the man you want him to be. You can either get used to the way he behaves, or recognise that he's selfish, destructive and abusive and get out of his life.FWIW, the definition of alcoholism is being dependant on alcohol in order to function. Whether that's a half-bottle of chardonnay after dinner or two dozen pints overnight is immaterial. Your boyfriend is exhibiting alcoholic tendencies right now, by making drinking the core of his social outings. You have to decide how much alcoholism you can live with.OK, I've pummelled you enough. Now it's your boyfriend's turn.He's definitely insensitive and apparently, not mature enough to hold together a relationship. He is clearly putting his mates and his drinking rituals ahead of you. There is absolutely NO reason that he should be telling you to "f--- off". That's not the behaviour of a loving or caring boyfriend, no matter how confrontational you are. He could easily walk away and choose not to say anything.In other words, if there's a loser in this relationship, I'd be putting my money on the egocentric, abusive drunk.Here is my suggestion. Talk to him, quietly, calmly, at a time when he's not drunk, drinking or about to start drinking. Don't judge. Don't accuse. Don't dredge up past arguments. Tell him how much you miss the times you used to enjoy together and ask him if he'd be willing to set aside a few nights a week just for the two of you.If he's willing to try that, make your time together special. Rather that just watching DVDs or something, go out and do something you can both enjoy, whether that's a dinner together, a trip to the library or the monster-truck pull! It doesn't matter where you go, it's showing that you can have fun together, without his drinking mates, that's the point.Give him a break from the confrontation and the nagging about his drunkenness, and try to get him to agree to having at least some of his time sober, with you.You may have to concede that he needs time doing silly male-bonding rituals with his mates from time to time. He's probably still young and men need to do that. It's fine and perfectly acceptable, if he's also willing to compromise with you. If not, if he cntinues to rate his drunken binges as more important than his girlfriend, then he's not the man for you. Don't threaten to leave. Just do it.Hope it works out, hon.
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